Gender variant acceptance ~Sevan

As an androgyn/gender variant/non-binary type person; I’m used to having people “not believe” in my identity. What I am often shocked by, is when I hear people’s identity come into question even in trans* spaces. I’m shocked to hear someone else; who has been fighting for recognition of their own identity turn around and do the same thing to someone else.

I thought that gender identity was in our minds? That’s what I teach at my presentations and that’s what I talk about here.

I have had people tell me that they accept gender variant identities…but clearly I’m male, and should come out as such. I've had people tell me that they accept my gender variant identity….but that other person over there…not so much.

I think the whole thing comes down to perception, and expression.

I can’t speak for other gender variant folks (though I’d REALLY love to hear from them on this topic!!!) but for me; expression of my gender is a funny thing. It’s HARD! It takes far too much work and forethought. Since there is no “gender variant” section in the clothing store…I have to make it up as I go along. I can’t ever take for granted that my presentation and my intention will be read correctly or as I meant for it to come across.

If I dress in men’s clothes without binding, it doesn't usually read as “gender variant” it reads as “dyke”. If I dress in men’s clothes and bind…I may be read as cis-male. (this never ever happens. I usually still get read as “dyke” but it’s within the realm of possibility…)

If I dress in woman’s clothes then I’m read as cis-female. (even though such attire is sometimes just as uncomfortable and unfitting of my gender identity as male clothes)

You see!? I can’t win!!! How can I possibly dress in a way that would express to you, the general public…that I’m androgyn? When I dress in skirts and men’s shirts with a nice tie I’m viewed as just…somewhat strange. It still doesn't read as what I’m going for.

As such… I've given up trying to be “read correctly” because this identity…it isn't about you. It’s all about me. Being comfortable with myself, being my best self, being comfortable in MY skin.

On the flip side of that…personally I don’t want to be a “gender warrior” every. Single. Day. Of my life. It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. I can’t do it. I just can’t. I commend those who are able, those amazing people. So you may come across me on a day where I’m wearing one of my other passions on my sleeve. Love, Equality, Bi rights, HIV advocacy…when my gender is on the front; I often can’t talk about anything else. Just like the rest of you; I AM more than my gender.

Sometimes going out to a restaurant or new space with new people I’m not familiar with; I dress “female” because I may not want to come out via my dress and attire. It might not be safe, it might not be appropriate. (ie: Work. Mainly.) Most often; it’s not understood without me explaining.

I have searched myself, gone through hours and hours of therapy, I have TRIED to fit within the binary. Don’t you think it would be easier for me to do so? I sure do!! I've tried. Believe me I've tried. I've thought ever awful thing possible about my own identity. Then I came to terms with myself, and did what I needed to do to express myself, feel comfortable within myself and present to the world as much “me” as I can.

This was not an identity I came to lightly. Transition; especially at a time when gender variant transition wasn't even written about…was not easy. My gender identity is no more about clothes and style than any other. That’s only what you can see. There’s FAR more to me than what’s on my skin, or how I interact with people, or what my energy might express.

Since I can’t wear my entire wardrobe every day; you’re not seeing the whole of my self expression on any given day. Same goes for any other gender variant person. Step back and look at everything you know about the person. Then; take them at their word. We do the same for the rest of our community. 

Why we use the asterisk ~Sevan

So, if transgender is an "umbrella term"...what's the need for "trans*"? 

Simply put; there shouldn't be a need for it. However; there is. Transgender is often shortened to trans and can be interpreted as trans-male or trans-female, and many gender variant/non-cis identified people feel left out or unsure if their identity is included and being thought about. 

When I see a blog post, article or other written materials that don’t have the asterisk I wonder if they are including me and those like me. If I see a support group, brochure about transgender identities or an advertisement about a presentation that doesn’t use the asterisk I wonder if I’m welcome in that space.

My understanding is that the asterisk came from internet search structure. When you add an asterisk to the end of a search term, you’re telling your computer to search for whatever you typed, plus any characters after. Such as: trans*-gender, -queer, -sexual, etc. No idea if that’s the truth of the matter…but that’s the general “mythos” behind where the asterisk came from.

So if you, or your organizations is trying to be open and accessible by all trans* people; make sure to use the asterisk to verify to all people that you have taken the time, and intention to invite and welcome all trans* people.

Even within my local trans* support group; our name has “trans*” in it; Spokane Trans* People. All of our educational materials and presentations have trans* in it. We are committed to being open to all in the umbrella. 

Sam over at itspronouncedmetrosexual.com posted about this, and created this awesome graphic.  Click it to see his take on it.

Gendered language ~Sevan

We will get back to our discussion on coming out soon, but I just created this graphic and I wanted to share:

Visit to the ER ~Sevan

Monday was a rough night. :( I'm really out of shape; so Monday afternoon I went for a long bike ride. Much longer than I guess I should have...and I was breathing really hard and really fast. Five  miles of hills. I was pretty proud to have done it, and all without getting off my bike! 

We went to the awards that evening; and so when we got home from the awards my chest was  hurting. I figured it was heart burn from those spicy meatballs. So I took some tums and went to bed. The night was so awesome that I  literally fell asleep with a smile on my face. 

I was up and down all  night and the pain got worse and worse and started going into my back,  my jaw and down my right arm. I started to panic and freak out  some...so I woke Cyndi up and told her what I was feeling. We were  both afraid I was having a heart attack (no matter how unlikely that  was...) I actually knew about pleurisy and kinda thought that might be what was going on...so we headed to the ER. I was so afraid I was going to just be told it was indigestion and sent home and I'd be so embarrassed for wasting everyone's time! (not to mention the cost of an ER visit...I JUST finally got all paid off on my last visit. Dang it!)

When the doctor came in they checked me out, checked on my heart, breathing and tapped around on my tummy. After he did that he looked at me and asked "are you a sex change patient?" 

Um...what?! o.O I was tired, in pain and confused...I have never heard anyone put it that way. My first thought was "no. I'm an androgyn. I don't plan on having sex change operations..." but I just literally didn't know how to answer his question! He must have seen the confusion on my face and asked a follow up question, "Are you genetically male?" 

To which I responded "Oh!...no." he explained about estrogen having cardiac risk. So...ok. Makes sense...I guess. 

This doctor has treated Cyndi before, and Cyndi was there with me (and he knew Cyndi's trans*. She's open about that.) I was wearing jammies, a tshirt and have been growing out my facial hair. I never bind my breasts...and most certainly don't bind to go to the ER when I'm feeling so crappy! 

We hung out, and watched videos on Cyndi's kindle. They brought in this numbing liquid to see if the pain was indigestion, but it didn't help. 

So they assumed it must be pleurisy and gave me an anti inflammatory shot and that totally worked. My hands have never tingled that bad ever. It was really horrible. We came back home around 4:30am and went back to bed. I slept until noon  and then just relaxed on the couch. 

The doctor didn't explain  pleurisy very well...so I googled it and the first thing I saw was  it's connection to RA and Lupus. Hmmm. So I called my GP's nurse to  tell her about the night's events and she said that my bike ride totally could have caused it...and that people can get it from having  colds where they cough too much, or pneumonia where they cough and  wheeze too much and that it's not just RA and Lupus related. *whew*  She told me I've got to take it easy for the rest of the week and to  be sure to take deep breaths even if it hurts so that I don't get a I'm not sure where this leaves me for Pride parade...we'll see. One  day at a time I guess.

The doctor's question "are you a sex change patient" will be with me for quite a while!! What a way to ask if someone's transgender...

Spokane Trans* People documents ~Sevan

Hey all!
So I'm the facilitator of my local trans* support/social group. I think I've mentioned that a time or four. ;) So in prep for Pride we've been creating many documents for us to share, as well as our own version of the Trans* flag! I'd love to see our hard work shared and used to educate and bring people together.

Here is a PDF brochure that's aimed at educating allies.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to MtF identity.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to FtM identity.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to Genderqueer/Non-binary identities.
Here is a PDF hand out that's a glossary of terms for transgender concepts.

Last but most certainly not least...here's our version of the trans* flag.

From top to bottom the colors represent MtF (Blue, to pink) Non binary identities represented by the purple and white stripe, and FtM (pink to blue)

Finally a new transition update! ~Sevan

:) Enjoy! Sorry it took so long for me to get back to videos...eesh!

Gender neutral pronouns ~Sevan

A person who identifies outside of the male/female binary wants to be identified just as women and men want to be identified. They want to be seen and heard as they are, for the gender they are. There are options out there that are "neutral" (They, One, Person, etc) but for the words I've provided I've never heard of options that are specifically for those outside the binary. I suppose the title "gender neutral" is misleading. Now that I think about it. What I was/am looking to provide is words for those who identify outside the male/female binary. Which actually isn't neutral at all.

A while back...a few years ago I believe...I talked about gender neutral terms. I was only able to tell you about another option in place of he/she which is "ze" (I should mention...there are many sets. There are also a number of folks who don't dig any of the pronouns sets...and that's ok.) and the replacement for his/hers which is "hir" (pronounced "hear")

That's it. That's all we could say. That's all there was. However...looking at language there are so many other gendered words that only having these two words...left MUCH to be desired. Anywhere I've looked I've never seen anyone discuss any words beyond he/she and his/hers. There are SO many more gendered words that we need in order to flesh out our language. Thankfully English is pretty flexible...slang is always coming into "vogue" (and often right back out of vogue....) I feel like...when words can come in, and flow, and click...they can find they're way into our natural speak.

Cyndi and I have set about to find, or create words to open up the language so that it's more function, usable and accessible. So I present the current list to you. After all...it's not really me who uses these words...as I don't talk about myself in third person. It's for others. For you...perhaps. This list is not complete, and as I said...we actually created some of these words...so it's no professional linguist bringing this to you. :)

In searching I found Per which is short for person. It would go in place of he/she. So you could say "Oh yea, that's Sevan. Per's cool." (if you were to use that set. Cyndi and I have been playing with it...it's an option.)

I think the reasons people have strong feeling about it is because it's new. No one ever questions he/she because we learned t at such a young age we didn't question it, or any other words we learned. That's just the words. That's just what those words mean. It just is, and we accept that. These new words are for scrutiny because they're new.

I have no real illusions of changing the world. I've seen blogs, forum posts and many many people trying to discourage me for a number of reasons from creating or seeking words to support and represent those outside male/female binary. I get it. There are MANY reasons these words may never ever take off. I'm ok with that. I just want to add to the conversation. I want to be able to express myself, and have those around me express and talk about me in ways that are supportive and positive...and correct. Labeling me female is not right. That's not what/who I am. I am an androgyn and the language should support that. While I'd love for our language to just not be gender based but....THAT'S not gonna happen. So...even if my circle of peers is the only people who use these words I'm offering...fine. That's fine with me. However...if these words are found by someone else, and gives them language to express themselves in a positive way...that's AWESOME!

The first one I really like is boy/girl/nute. Nute being short for neutral. Cyndi came up with it, and the main reason why we found it important is to fit into boyfriend/girlfriend/nutefriend. Generally you don't find children expressing androgyn or third gender identity. Teens however and young adults in relationships who might desire a word for their significant other...there ya have it!

I've got a friend who really likes to call people Sir/Ma'am and I have stumped her. So we came up with Mir. It's a simple mash of Sir and Ma'am. Many of the words we've come up with are mashes of the male and female words.

Such as Hersband, in place of husband/wife. Hers-band. :)

Still don't have one for the Father/Mother...but I really like Mada in place of Mom/Dad.

Brother/Sister Bro-ster. This one actually came from Cyndi's brother who was struggling with the transition early on and just couldn't make the leap in his mind that Cyndi was now his sister. We hear that and immediately had a word for those in between.

One word I badly want is a word in place of Uncle/Aunt but...I don't have one. Niece/Nephew and Grandma/Grandpa replacements aren't as important to me personally...but I'd like to have them just to complete the set. I'm sure there are words I'm missing but this is the list as it stands so far. :)

Male	Female	Androgyn/3rd gender/Null
He	She	Ze/Per
His	Her(s)	Hir(s)/Pers
Boy	Girl	Nute
Sir	Ma'am	Mir
Mr.	Mrs.	Mir
Husband	Wife	Hersband
Boyfriend	Girlfriend	Nutefriend/Ladydudefriend
Father	Mother	?
Dad	Mom	Mada
Brother	Sister	Broster
Uncle	Aunt	?
Nephew	Niece	?
Grandpa	Grandma	?

Two year anniversary coming up! ~Sevan

Today I dressed in one of my normal black tops and green pants. My previous goal was to minimize my chest and highlight other areas of my body. Now that my breasts are so much smaller (thanks to reduction surgery) my attire continues minimize my chest which is really not helpful. I need some new tops and I need to figure out how to dress for my new body type. I was googling how to accentuate and dress for smaller chest. Now I just need the finances to go and get new attire! lol. I need to stop wearing black tops. That I do know. It's not helping. It makes me look like I have no breasts at all. Which is fine and awesome when I'm feeling more male but not so helpful at work and when I want to be more fem.

My transition really started around this time two years ago. While I didn't start testosterone until Feb...I found the term androgyn and discovered my name Sevan and really started exploring all things bi-gender and transition and gender in general. So coming up on that anniversary and having this surgery has turned me introspective. Especially now that my mind is cleared thanks to needing less (but not none...yet...) pain medication.

My facial hair has been coming in thicker and blacker...I want to say recently but apparently it's been like this for a little while and I'm only just noticing. *shrugs* either way...having noticed that and having just had surgery...I'm feeling very...settled. I'm feeling really *in my skin* and even as though I need less testosterone. I've been using half tube for many days now and I'm ok with it. Previously I've been using a mix of full daily doses and half doses in a confusing mix that I can't really describe without a calendar and a pointer. lol! Since surgery I've only needed just half dose every day. I think I've had one day in there where I used a full tube. (the tubes are tiny and meant as "daily dosing") I'm feeling...like I'm right where I need to be. For once!!! It's a really nice feeling. My mind hasn't worried at gender since surgery. It's just been...quiet. Any worry or concern has been financial or family or any other "normal" worry. I can't say that I will be able to stay in this mental comfortable place...that's the androgyn struggle...the marker for which to aim for seems to constantly be moving and adjusting but for now...I'm good. I wasn't sure that'd be possible!

It's really just bonkers to think I'm essentially...done transitioning. I'm done. I've done all the active things I want/need. I'm on testosterone, I've had my surgery...the only thing left is to legally change my name. That was a BIG push for me mentally when I found my middle name but logically it just can't really happen right now. I mourned that...and then got over it. It'll happen when it happens. Those that know the real me call me Sevan. Any new person into my life knows me only as Sevan. That's...good enough for now. It's ok. I made it. Cyndi made it. The whole house has just...quieted. When I read back entries from two years ago...all I was talking about was gender, gender, gender. I was in a mental race to learn all I could and dig in to end the dysphoria as fast as I could. Between Cyndi's transition and my own...there was just no real time for anything else. Cyndi has some electrolysis left but...eh. That's it. (In fairness it's probably easier for me to say that..lol!) It feels so good to have gotten here. I couldn't even really envision it before. I have no doubt that dysphoria will come back, rear up at some point in the future...but I've got the tools and knowledge to deal with it now.

I was looking around the room of our trans support meeting on Saturday and I was thinking back to when we started. I think there were...3 people? Somewhere in that range. Now we've got 13+. Not everyone comes every meeting, and that's absolutely ok. I'm just so proud to see it thriving, warm and inviting. (I hope that's how we come across anyway...)

We've come a long long way in two years. It just feels so good to have arrived.

Testosterone for androgyns/3rd gender/non-binary folk

While I am not some sort of...expert on the topic...I wanted some information to be out there. When I first started looking I did hear whispers about female bodied persons seeking transition to...not entirely male. I heard about people who knew someone who knew someone who one time was on "low dose T" for androgyns. But...that was about all the info I could find and looking back...most of that was wrong information.

I know we can't discuss dosages here, and that's fine. I won't be discussing that. Everyone is different, reacts differently and must seek professional advice from their prescribing doctor. Super duper important.

First thing I'd like to talk about in this is something I only just learned. (though once I learned it...it's kinda one of those..."oh duh." things.) Female born persons don't have testosterone blockers in their body. So...when we take testosterone, our levels appear much higher than those of male bodied persons. (as described to me by my doctor.) This is an ok thing. This actually makes it a little bit difficult to take something one might consider a "low dose".

When I started T (a little less than two years ago) I did so thinking I was taking a "lose dose". When I had my blood levels checked...I was shocked to find that based on my blood work, it was NOT a low dose for me. I was in fact, in full male/FtM range. However...I found the dosage to be very therapeutic. I freaked out about that and had a bit of a "what does this mean!? Am I actually FtM now that I'm in this range of T, and finding it therapeutic!?" and with thearpy and some time, therapy and thinking it through...no. That doesn't make me male. My identity is still as androgyn as ever.

There are many choices in dosage and prescriptions of testosterone. Many new ones have recently come out, which hopefully over time will make them cheaper. (as many are not cheap...) I have personally had experience with a few different types.

The first I was put on was Testim which is an alcohol based gel. It's applied to the chest (not breasts) and upper arms. You rub it in until you feel it's dry, let it set for a few mins and then get dressed as normal. It comes in small "daily application" tubes. The tubes are kind of nice because if you travel you can take just what you need, rather than a whole big bottle or what have you. I put "daily application" in quotes because really...it's between you and your doctor as to what is right for you. I've been given the freedom to play with proper dosage for me. We've experimented with half tube daily, and other combinations of full tube one day, half tube the next, so on and so forth. I did so under careful watch of my doctor.

Just to try the injectable version of T I did go on it for a short term. I thought it would be really nice to not have to think about it for two weeks, rather than daily application. I'm not a huge fan of shots, and my hormones were all over the place while on it so I really didn't like that. I prefer a more steady, even feeling...which the gel gives me. Daily application equals no trough. That's a pretty nice thing.

Recently my dr wanted me to try a new product that's come out. (he's pretty fond of whatever is new..."ooohhh shiny!" Axiron I tried it and...I *personally* don't like it. It's an odd application method. It comes in a large lotion type bottle and it comes with a rubber tipped cup that's shaped like deodorant. It goes in your under arms. You put your deodorant like normal, wait two mins and then pump this alcohol based liquid that's very watery into the cup. Then you apply the contents of the cup to your underarm(s). I couldn't quite get the hang of it somehow...and kept dripping it down my sides and onto the floor. I requested going back to Testim. (as that just works best for me. I'm sure the other types work wonderfully for some.)

The reason I feel that "low dose" is a sort of mirage is that even if you are able to keep your testosterone levels low...it just prolongs the changes that will be taking place. (as I understand it) though having low levels of testosterone limits what your body can do. (masculation wise)

My voice has dropped considerably. I am now a low bass singing voice. (I started at a low alto...for what that's worth.) I do have facial hair and need to shave, though it's still rather invisible...it's finally starting to darken up around my chin. I don't really have much for body hair though I'm starting to get some. My clit has grown as many transmen report. My sex drive amped up considerably. (oh lord did it..) My moods evened out, my GID lessened, my muscles bulk up easier, I seem more "vulcan" in my approach to thinks and insistence that all things should be logic focused (it's actually the running joke in this house) and I can't say that's testosterone based but it's so different from who I used to be (highly emotional to annoying levels...seriously. Annoying.) that I bring it up because changes in hormones can have unexpected consequences...positive or negative. I'm sure I've changed in ways I can't even see or notice about myself.

However...with all that...it's been one of the best things I've done for myself. I didn't hear any experiences from other androgyns (or the like) and so I wanted to put this here so others can hear my experience.

Growing into my own

Anyone that's known me for more than five mins knows I'm a bit of a control freak. Like..."Hi...my name is Sevan...and I'm a control freak" kinda thing. It's like that. Or at least...it was.

I don't know if it's transition related, Saturn return related, or just plain growing up. (perhaps a mix of all three?) I just really feel like I'm settling into my stride.

Last weekend was my birthday. I turned 28. I don't feel 28. Heck, sometimes I feel down right in my 70's. Due to only being five months into testosterone I also often feel like a fumbling bumbling teenager. Awkward and unsure.

It's amazing what will happen when you let your true self shine. We keep it in, bottle it up, just sure that no one will accept us. Refuse to come out of the closet, maybe just dress on occasion...hiding in our own shame. For me, I came out of the closet kicking and screaming!! I did. not. want. to. do. this!! Not one bit! I was sure I would be even more ostracized that I already was! I'd have even less friends!!! (which...is pretty difficult to do when certain you have no friends..) Yet the opposite has really been true. As I've been authentic and honest...it's allowed those around me to meet me as their authentic and honest self. And my goodness what a BLESSING!!

This past weekend we did something we never do. (because I never allow it) we took a trip and flew by the seat of our pants. I don't know what stopped me from trying to control the heck out of everything...maybe I was just too darn tired from the culmination of health, work, stress, money, blah, blah, blah...that I just didn't have it in me to control this trip. And THANK GOODNESS I didn't!! We'd planned on leaving home on Saturday morning...but decided last min to leave Friday and spend the night in Seattle. (which is where we were headed)

We packed up, grabbed the dogs and everything they needed and headed off. I text a friend to see if she was available to get together. She was! She even had some floor space we could occupy that night! How awesome!! Previously I would have had a hotel all booked and already paid for...and I would have kicked myself and stewed that someone would offer but I wouldn't have taken it because of money already spent. Not this time though! Cynthia and I hung out and just soaked up the good conversation. Really wonderful. Hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in over a year is just good for the soul.

Cynthia wanted to know what time breakfast would be and when we would leave in the morning to meet up with the person we'd planned this whole trip to see. I blissfully replied that breakfast would be had when everyone was awake, and we'd leave when it was time to leave. How freeing!!

That's exactly what we did too. Lovely. We had lunch with a dear dear friend whom I've never met in person and Cynthia hadn't seen in 12 years! Far too long. We headed back home from there and the energy has just carried me.

There are plenty of things I could stew on, stress about, chew my nails over...but those things will work themselves out whether I stew or not. The funny thing is...I feel more in control than ever! I'm in control of *me*. How I act, and how I react! It wasn't particularly easy to get to this point...and I'm not saying I won't slip back into the "control monster" again...but for now I'm happy to go with the flow and follow bliss.

Looking back

Hi all, it's me...Sevan. You remember me right? lol...I know it's been a while since posting. I'm sorry about that. Life kinda...flipped the fruit basket...if ya know what I mean.

Anyway...something that's been stewing in the back of my mind that I've really wanted to get down on "paper" is my thoughts now about transition and what it's really *been* vs. what i *thought* it would be for me. I talked this out in therapy and I figured it'd be good here too.

Before I ever started T I thought mostly about my identity as an androgyn and what transition might look like to bring the body into alignment with my mind/identity.

My only experience with testosterone was when Cyndi was prescribed a T gel for "chronically low T" (yea...go figure.) She'd not come out to our doctor yet, so our doctor did not know that he was prescribing testosterone to a trans woman. He didn't know the harm that could cause...because we didn't quite tell him the whole story. Honestly...we didn't know what harm adding MORE T to a trans woman's brain would do either. So Cyndi was on this gel for over a year I'd say. She applied it on schedule ever day. The doctor couldn't quite understand why she wasn't getting into the male range. I came to believe that perhaps the drug just wasn't strong enough. Obviously once Cyndi needed to start transitioning she stopped the testosterone.

Taking that into account; when I was considering taking T I thought (wrongly..) that this "low dose" gel drug would be perfect for me! After all, if a natal male can't get into "male range" on the blood work with this drug, surely *I* wouldn't be able to either! It would be perfect. My identity was somewhere in-between male and female, so my hormones should be too. Right? In my mind I thought this would be the perfect balance.

Thankfully I did have the knowledge of YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary) So I talked myself through a bunch of "what-ifs" before embarking on my transition via hormones. I decided that while I was SURE those "what-ifs" were unlikely and even if they were to come to pass...I NEEDED this.

I thought that what was most likely to happen would be that I wouldn't really change on the outside at all! Putting my hormones in an intersexed ranged (not fully female, not fully male) wouldn't change my voice...if it did...then maybe just slightly. Surely not noticeably. I didn't think I'd get a beard or much body hair, I just thought that perhaps it would bring some mental peace.

Now that I'm four and a half months into my testosterone use I can say....BOY was I ever WRONG! Turns out that "peace" only comes for me when my hormones are in FULLY male range. Not even particularly low within that range! Nope. So my voice has dropped quite a bit, my body hair has increased, my beard is growing in and I'm already shaving twice a week, my mind feels rewired, I respond to emotions differently and I FEEL emotions differently. Basically; everything that could change...did.

We can never know how the body will respond to stimulus. My thoughts about what I needed were totally off. Thankfully I was able to listen to what my body needed, rather than force myself to adhere to the "numbers" of the labs. The few times I lowered my dose of T to try to keep it "low dose" it didn't work so well. I was cranky and surely and so tired! It clearly wasn't what my body or mind needed.

This did lead to a crisis of identity for a little while. It's very easy to jump to the conclusion that "fully male hormone levels=male identified" but that's just really simplifying an issue that isn't that simple. I can no more fit myself into a fully male identity than I can a fully female identity.

I was looking for my hormones to be in between, and be in balance. What I found instead is a female body, with male hormones. For me, right now, that's the balance. It's precarious...to be sure. There's is still a TON of processing yet to do....but I'm in a good place. For the most part. If I shut out all the stimulus of the world and life and just tune into my body and mind...I finally feel much more at home. It's not perfect; nothing is...but it's much much better in this body than it's ever been. There's something to be said for that.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me friends. Till next time, Sevan.

3 months already!? Holy cow. ~Sevan

Oh my my my. How time flies. I have been on Testosterone for three months now. Wow. I've done a whole heck of alot of growing, thinking, musing, and looking back during these three months.

I've remembered times of strife that didn't make any sense in the moment, and I've been able to piece the puzzle together now that I understand my gender identity. I've remembered painful times of extreme dysphoria and angst, and I know now those times for what they were. Goodness I thought I was beyond bonkers...before I had the word "androgyn" that all important, very powerful word. To know that there are others who experience the world in a similar way as myself; through similar eyes!! It's brought me such a peace that I can't describe to you. Only that...it's like the sun streaming through a large window....bright, and warm...but not hot. That perfect day.

The body and the mind continue to astound me. I had in my logical mind a picture of what it would take to bring this peace. I thought it might take just a small dose of testosterone. Not enough to change my outside, only enough to bring the peace I was so desperate for. I was sure, utterly convinced that i could find it...in just a small, little dose of testosterone. I was in for the shock of my life when I found out....nope. *My* body needs more than just a little bit. A little dab, will NOT do. My doctor gave me the freedom to explore, armed with information and a limit so I didn't over do it, but within his guidelines I was free to find what worked for me. Seems that what works for me is a full on "transition" dose of testosterone. My voice is dropping weekly, my beard is already growing in (though patchy and pathetic...but still firm enough to need shaving weekly.) my mind has become far more logical and less emotional, my sense of smell has changed and become more acute, my sense of taste is sharper, my muscles are growing and are more ropey and firm.

I was talking to Cynthia about all of these changes. Musing...particularly on the point of smell. She'd mentioned that her sense of smell was more acute a few months ago. I wondered how could this be? How can she have a stronger sense of smell on estrogen, and I'm experiencing a stronger sense of smell on testosterone. She expressed that perhaps it wasn't the hormone itself that caused the shift; but the right hormone running the right body. The mind and body working together harmoniously, instead of being at odds.

This week I did the hardest thing I've yet done in all this transitional mess. I came out to my parents. I thought about...next to nothing BUT the email I was going to write them...for about a week straight. Finally on Friday I sat down and wrote it out. When I'm nervous I have a tendency to "over-share" so I wanted to make sure I said the right thing, the truthful thing and not too much blathering. It was by shear force of will that I was even able to hit the "send" button. I physically shook nervously thinking "what have I just done!?" I had done the right thing. That's what.

Last weekend they were up visiting (they live 8 hours away) and they noticed my voice. While I wasn't TRYING to hide it from them, I wasn't trying to lie about who I was...I just wasn't really ready to come out yet either. However...my voice gave me away. I didn't honestly expect my voice to shift that much...I already had a pretty low voice to begin with and naively I thought to myself "Well...it's not going to happen over night! I've got plenty of time to sort this out, and figure out a way to come out." I thought I had close to six months to a full year before any changes would be obvious! Not three months! Ah well. Three months it is.

I haven't gotten a response from them yet. That's ok though. I'd much rather they take their time, gather their thoughts and come to me level headed instead of going with their first thoughts. (whatever that might look like.)

After telling my parents I changed my name on facebook! Now that may not seem like such a huge deal....but seeing as nearly everyone who's online is also on facebook...I feel kind of like I've hung a flag outside my door!! (in a manner of speaking...) It was so freeing!

Bearded thoughts

So it's been a little while since I've done any kind of updating...been feeling very internal, pubescent and...awkward. lol.

Ok so...I'm on T, it's going well. I'm now doing injections instead of gel and there's something about having to do weekly injections vs. daily gel that just makes this process feel more natural. I don't think about how I'm "transitioning" I feel more like..."I am". However *I am* in puberty at the moment! lol. My voice is dropping and that's cool. My muscle mass is increasing which rocks…I'm starting to get some very faint body hair and increase hair on my arms and face. Now...I suppose I should back up and quantify my point...

My leg hair/body hair has always been very very faint and nearly invisibly blonde. Unless your staring at my arms you wouldn't think I have ANY arm hair. My legs never get shaved and most people can't tell. However my face has very light hair, but it's all across my whole face and under my chin. Not localized on just my upper lip as some women. Again, l nearly invisible...but totally there.

So now..just over two months on T..my cheeks still basically have peach fuzz and it's super soft, though a tad longer than it used to be and pretty noticeable (at least in the florescent lights in my bathroom!!) My lip, chin and under my chin however…the hair has shifted some. It’s courser. (though not by a whole heck of a lot..I am only 2 months in!) I’ve shaved it a few times (which I’m guessing is contributing to it’s coarseness) I’m finding I don’t want to shave. It’s still blonde though it’s got some actual color to it..it’s not invisibly blonde anymore. I find myself with my hand up on my chin A LOT. I like it.

The main “manly” attribute that I’ve always wanted is the beard. I used to dream about being bearded, I’ve lusted men’s beards in the past…So now that it’s growing in some…I’m rather elated. I find myself pouring over my face in the mirror…looking at every last little strand of hair, looking my face over for any color shift…(ya know..just like a teenage boy!)

It’s a little long and I was anxious that maybe it’s time to shave again for fear that people would see my “unsightly woman’s facial hair” but *I* don’t want to shave it! I want to see what it’ll do.

Thoughts about a beard and what sort of facial hair I might like to wear (goatee, full face, ect) drew my attention to my breasts. Every step I take toward androgyny and *my* ideal body brings my thoughts back to “what will *they* think?” I wish I didn’t care. I really really wish that. However I *live* in society. I go grocery shopping. I have to have a job. Thus, I worry. (that…and I’m just a worrier.)

So my thoughts went to “Well…if I wear a beard I’m going to have to bind…right?” and that frustrated me because I don’t see WHY the two have anything to do with each other. I very very much wish that I could fit into the “male or female” box. I do. I feel that this would be SO much easier. Having to blaze my own trail (as it were) is sometimes…well…a pretty darn scary place to be!

Do I need to come out as androgyn to every single person I come across? That may get exhausting. Do I need to just…keep my beard within the confines of my own home? Society expects us to be either male or female. If I present male to the broad society (what..with my beard…) then I feel like I will be forced to bind every day. Which…honestly…I don’t really have any desire to do. If I refuse to bind and present female…then the beard must be covered, and well shaved at all times. (not to mention covered in foundation to make sure the shadow is well covered…as it stands currently I never wear make up. Ever. However I do know how to cover a beard shadow. I often do Cynthia’s make up)

The answer seems easy enough. Lofty enough…”be yourself”. That’s what we tell the small children…right? In theory that sounds perfect! It doesn’t seem to alleviate my fears, and my frets and my concerns over society/work/life. *hmf* I guess I don’t really have answers for myself at the moment…this is a grey spot I’ve not yet figured out. I’m hoping I’ll get it figured out soon because the T keeps doing it’s job!

There is nothing stagnant about life. That’s for sure.

It's official.... ~Sevan

I am most definitly in my second go 'round of puberty. There's no denying it now. There's also no turning back!

My voice has been deepening for weeks now but the cracks are getting more difficult to control and gosh are they ever embarressing! I can't seem to sing without losing control of my voice, if I get excited, talk too fast or am really animated; my voice makes an ass of me. Every morning (or so it seems) it's dropped more. I had a low voice to start with so I was pretty sure it wouldn't go much further down. HA! Little did I know.

My face has always had hair on it. I used to wax my upper lip and chin but have switched out to shaving. So now my lower lip and chin constantly feel like sand paper. Very very fine grit sand paper...granted..but sand paper none the less! Cynthia keeps catching me running my fingers along my chin. As excited as I am...and for as long as I've wanted a beard...now that it's here it's kinda scary!

My muscles are getting ropier and I'm becoming stronger. I'm finding it easier to work out longer and harder. My stamina is definitly increased; which could be due to my focus on working out!

Some of the changes I'm feeling I can't even put into words. However it wasn't my desire to come here and just make a list of changes; let's just say...EVERYTHING has changed.

The sum of all the parts have left me feeling awkward and unsure of myself. For as much as I want people to notice that I look or sound different; I also dread that! I fear it as much as I want it. Oh how fun. Seems that's par for the course for a person going through puberty.

On the flip side of that awkwardness I'm finding new found confidence. Now if I could just remember to show it more often!

Video blogging and blood work

I try to do video blogging about once a week. I'd slipped a little and hadn't done a video this previous weekend. Lots of processing and frustration over being denied coverage for surgery by my insurance. Plus no real desire to discuss it. The reasons the insurance gave didn't leave any wiggle room for appealing. So...I won't be appealing.

In good news though....I just got the results back from my blood work to check on my hormone levels! They're perfectly in male range!! Woohoo!! (Male range being 350-1050) I'm sitting at 617. Nice. My doctor said he's never seen that high of results in someone who's having to supplement T. Hehehehe. I'm not surprised.

This brings me alot of peace because...people who go on cross sex hormones (meaning a man taking estrogen, or a woman taking testosterone) will usually have some sort of freak out, or not feel right, or become depressed, lethargic ect. Transgender people who truly SHOULD be taking these hormones...don't freak out. They instead feel peace, and a rightness. That's how I feel. I'm definitely not freaking out, I'm definitely not having adverse reactions....I just feel...like me. Nice.

Something else that's curiously cropping up....my desire to craft and sew!! I thought I'd lost that for good. Nope. I'm working on a skirt for Cyndi. (it used to be mine, I just have to shrink it) After that it's back to work on Cyndi's tu-tu...and I just got the fabric I need to make my kilt!! I've been thinking about making myself a more "messanger bag" style...ermm...bag. That way I don't have to carry a "purse"...I've also started thinking about a new style of patchwork skirt!!! ooooooo! Stay tuned ;)

It just feels so good to have transition under control to the point where I can start thinking about OTHER things! It feels really good.

Where'd ya get that name and how do I say it?

When I first became aware of transgender identity issues within myself I took on the name Kyle. I never imagined actually ever *using* the name....so I didn't put much thought or consideration into it. No one was ever going to know, because I was never going to come out, and never going to transition so there wasn't much need to put value or thought into the name.

A number of years later (Sept 2009-ish) I started thinking more and more about names in general, and how would I feel about the name Kyle. At the time I was operating under the belief that there were only two choices when it came to gender. "Man" or "Woman". I didn't really feel comfortable in my skin as a woman so I was thinking about transitioning. I wasn't so sure I would be comfortable as a man either....but I chalked that up to self doubt and fear. So I started looking at names. I fell in love with the name Evan. It just...it had such a sweet sound and warms my heart. I'd found my name. I even picked a middle name that I felt fit perfectly with it!

However...the fact still remains that I'm not a man. In my search I discovered androgyny and it fit! *Eureka!* I told Cynthia about the name "game" I was playing and was thinking about keeping Evan as an androgynous name. I've met women and men both named Evan...

I was kind of sad to give up my birth name entirely. It's served me well, I became a married person with that name, my mother cherished it and lovingly bestowed it upon me...Sara. If you look up the meaning of the name you'll find "Sara. A princess" and while the idea makes me blush a little to admit...it's me. I was named after the book "A little princess" and the character Sara is just like me when I was a child. Or rather... I was just like her. One thing that does bother me about the name Sara is just how common it is! All through out my childhood I was surrounded by at least one other Sara(h). In my circle of friends in high school there were two other Sara's. In my core classes Freshman year there were three other Sara's! That gets old...let me say.

One night Cynthia was playing with words as she's known to do and she combined Sara and Evan in a few different forms...one of those was Sevan. It stuck. It was perfect! I thought...it's unique, it's special, no one else is going to have this name!! YES! It's mine!! Oddly enough the number 7 has actually always been my favorite number. As a child playing sports 7 was my uniform number through out the years. I find that funny now.

On a lark I decided to google "Sevan"....little did I know..it IS a real name! It's of Armenian origin and it means "life giving sweet water". The name comes from Lake Sevan in Armenia. Humorously I am clearly NOT Armenian! I'm a blond haired, blue eyed, fair skinned European mutt.

So just how is it pronounced? I don't know how anyone else pronounces it. Seeing as I thought we'd made it up....I prefer for it to be pronounced like this. Say the name "Evan" now put an "S" in front of it. "Sevan". See..kind of sounds like the number 7, but it's got that slightly soft "a" in there.

It's not legally mine yet... which is growing frustrating for me, but I decided to change my name legally this summer when I switch jobs. That's not that far off. I can wait.

Pronouns...revisited

I know we've talked about pronouns before on this blog in the context of MtF. It gets a little messier when we start talking about androgyn's. Everything is gendered. All the time we refer to people by their gender. So much so that it's second nature.

In addition to being able to choose a new name for myself, I've also started to express myself in gender neutral terms. Most gender neutral pronouns are unknown by most people. However there is a great many to choose from! See here:



Chart taken from the Gender-neutral pronoun wikipedia. Great page. See full page here

As you can see, there's alot to choose from! For me...it's more about ease and comfort of the person speaking. If someone is talking to me and they're tripping all over pronouns and stuttering and correcting themselves to the point that we can't function in conversation...well...in my eyes...that's a fail. I'd rather you just call me "she" at that point because that's got the air of comfort for the speaker!

Of course this is all deeply personal. I know a number of people who feel very strongly about their need to be identified with the gender neutral pronoun set of their choosing. Pronouns are a huge trigger of pain for a number of people. I suppose I'm lucky that it's not THAT big of a deal for me verses other things. However when I'm out with my wife and we get the "hi ladies!" I do bristle some.

So what do *I* like? What would *I* prefer? Above all, I prefer to be a person. Not a lady, or guy, or woman or man...just a person. I can even be a "silly person" or what have you!

To my sisters I am their sibling. (or at least would like to be identified as such) My main nickname among my immediate family is "sis" (creative...I know.) and it's a small dagger to me every time it's used.

In the land of type I really like "s/he". However it doesn't translate well into speaking so that doesn't really work. I like "e" because it's already part of existing pronouns (She or he) so it flows in language easily I think. In the same way I use "hir".

The problem with pronouns is that...I never really use them myself! I can't model that to other people because I never refer to myself as "s/he". Of course not!

One hang up that has happened recently is the matter of "aunt". I don't have any children of my own, so we didn't have to come up with any new "mama/dada" lingo (though I put them together to create Mada and I love it...) however i do have one nephew and two nieces. They all call me "aunt [birth name]". So it's part title, and part...my name! It's who I am to them. That's a big deal. I was discussing the matter with my SIL recently and we didn't come to any solid options that felt like it REALLY fit. Aunt and uncle don't combine very easily to make a new word.

A friend suggested "andi" as a short/cute version of androgyn with the bonus of sounding like auntie. I like that. I think it's cute.

Whether intended or not, the pronoun set that you use toward someone shows who you think they are; how you view them. If I'm in the store, and I see a stranger from behind and refer to that person as a woman...but that person is actually a man; that man is libel to be upset with me! Because he's a man and wants to be addressed and seen as such! I completely understand.

My identity as an androgyn is just as valid and real as anyone else's identity as man or woman (this includes MtFs and FtMs as they still fit within the binary)

There is a learning curve, and I definitely understand that. When Cyndi started transition and I had to switch to the female set of pronouns when referring to her, that took time and practice. I do alot of journaling, so writing correct pronouns where I could easily edit myself if I messed up set it in my mind quickly and transferred to my speech patterns relatively quickly. I also made sure to correct myself mentally in any of my self talk. What we think...we may eventuall say. It takes practice, patience and understanding.

Chest? Breasts? what's an androgyn to do...

Plans...hmmm.

A few things about my body really bother me. I recognize this isn't all together that strange. Most people have issues with "this, that, or the other" about their body. For me, my weight is an issue. I've been exercising and getting stronger, building more stamina and trying to be conscious about what I put in my mouth.

The other issue for me is the size of my breasts. I have a 38DDD chest. There's no binder in the world that will flatten my chest. That makes it pretty darn difficult to ever hope to pass as male.

I've found a local plastic surgeon. I emailed a few different surgeons that are local and then planned consultations with two that I felt comfortable with. After both consultations I've chosen the surgeon I'm going to go with. She's confident that she can get me down to a B-C cup and that I'll heal well. If all goes well with the request that's being put into my insurance I should be under the knife in May sometime!

I've thought a great great deal on the issue of breasts. On the one hand...men don't have them! However I've thought on this issue alot. More than might be considered healthy (lmao...) and I really honestly do like my breasts. I remember liking them when they were smaller. I tried to imagine myself with a flat male chest and I just can't envision that. That feels wrong to me. I thought long and hard about how..."maybe I could learn to be ok with a chest?" Why would I want to do that though? Why would I remove something I ENJOY, and something that's healthy tissue that belongs on my body. The fact that I can not manage to bind them does cause me distress. The fact that I feel they're balloonish and draw all sorts of unwanted attention causes me distress. The fact that I *have breasts* does not cause me distress. If I were to decide to remove them in a "chest reconstruction surgery" it would be purely for societal reasons. That doesn't really fit with me. If I'm going to do things for society I might as well just stop taking T and stop transitioning! Last I checked...I was transitioning to feel MORE comfortable in my body and in my skin. Not less, or equally distressed; just in a different way.

So that is why I'm going with a reduction. I can keep my breasts, and I can (hopefully) bind safely and more easily. They do also pull on my back causing me very real pain that is unrelated to my gender identity. I'll be quite glad to get rid of that pain. I'll also fit into tops, and buy bras from the store rather than online!! Really quite excited about that. Sports bras will actually fit, and exercising won't be as uncomfortable! There are so many reasons to be really excited...and I just can't wait for the surgery to come and go, and let the healing really begin.

Speaking my truth

Cyndi has been trying to encourage me to write here more often as this is “our” family’s tale…I’ve just not really had anything to say from a “spouse” frame of mine.

I suppose that’s because there has been alot going on internally for me. There are many layers involved in what I want to say which makes it difficult. Its very hard to explain something that is 4D with depth and many angles; in a 1D plane. Which is…this typed out retelling.

For as long as I can remember…I’ve been “weird”. I was a shy awkward child. Lanky and tall, very curious, asked a great number of questions no one had the answer to and wasn’t particularly *good* or *great* at anything.

As I entered adulthood at age 18 I didn’t transition very well from living with my parents; to living on my own. I was vastly unprepared and quickly became depressed and anxious. I sought out mental health in order to find direction and relief.

I remember depression being explained to me as a “chemical imbalance” and I clung to that idea. It just had a ringing of truth for me. All I needed to do was figure out which chemical was out of balance…and fix it! Simple…right? Not so much.,

Fast forward a few years to about age 21. Life circumstances had changed quite a bit in a matter of three years. I went to the doctor complaining of fatigue and weight gain. The doctor wanted to check my thyroid. She explained the hormones that the thyroid controls and wondered if it might be off kilter. Hmmm…maybe THIS was the chemical imbalance I’d been wondering about.

It turned out there is nothing wrong with my thyroid though over the years I’ve had each of my doctors want to check it.

In another couple of years I decided I wanted to finally attempt college. I took many classes focused on the body and how it worked. Anatomy, physiology and pathology; each a few times over. I loved the classes. Especially when we’d discuss the chemical level of the body. It fascinated me in a way I couldn’t really understand, though I didn’t really try to understand it…simply thought I’d finally found something that interested me! One day in my physiology class we went over the hormones that control the female menstrual cycle. It was a very enlightening class. Shortly there after I went off my birth control to attempt a more natural “fertility charting” method.

It became clear rather quickly that my body wasn’t going to do anything that resembled a “cycle”. So back to the doctor to try and figure out this NEW hormonal imbalance. I was met with shrugging of shoulders mainly. No one seemed to understand why it was so important to me.

I’m a big believer in everything being interconnected. I just had this feeling that this “hormonal imbalance” that was somewhere within me was the snowball cause of EVERYTHING else. My energy, my on going depression…possible even more effects than I knew.

Last year I hit a really bad spot mentally. My depression increased to near debilitating levels. If I did have as flexible of a job as I had…I would have lost my position, to be sure. I re-entered therapy with the intention of doing some work on issues from childhood and early adulthood. My therapist urged me to go on medication; if only temporarily to alleviate my depression. I just couldn’t agree to that though. It didn’t feel right for me. Not to mention through out the years I’ve tried a great number of anti-depressants with little to no relief. I wasn’t particularly interested in doing that again.

Therapy was…frustrating for me. No matter how much I talked, was open, was honest and expressive I just couldn’t seem to get to the bottom of my depression. I couldn’t lessen the load.

Fast forward finally to this September (09). Cyndi could no longer continue to live life in the “man suit”. She needed to transition. I supported her fully in this endeavor. It was not new to me, we’d discussed *her* transitioning a great number of times through the years of our relationship. There was something holding me back from being fully present and supportive however. There was a frantic feeling and I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was all internal. All I could think about was my own gender. I questioned it. Alot. However after asking a simple question “do you feel like a guy?”

and answering that question “well..no. Not really…”

You would think such an answer to such a question would alleviate questions and fears over one’s gender! It didn’t however. My angst and discomfort in my own skin became unbearable.

I started searching for answers all over the web. I found the gender identity”Androgyn”. Upon finding it…just finding that word…arose such fear, panic, yet also…a rightness.

Androgyn as a gender identity should not be confused with androgynous dress and style. While many people who are androgyns will dress androgynously (stands to reason..lol) not all person’s who dress androgynously have a gender identity of androgyn.

I started dressing in a more androgynous manner and found short lived relief from that. My clothes did not make nor break my inner feeling of self. After more back and forth than I care to recount here…I made the choice to start testosterone.

Finally I feel I have found the piece of the puzzle that’s been missing this whole time. I have found where my “chemical imbalance” lied. I was missing testosterone in a body and mind that needed it.

So that’s why I’ve been so quiet. I’m not only the spouse of someone who’s transitioning. I’m also transitioning myself. My voice has started to drop from the testosterone. My body hasn’t changed otherwise. I feel that peace that I’ve been craving.

I speak more about my transition in this video: Click here

This has gotten quite long already…so I’ll leave it here.