Gender neutral pronouns ~Sevan

A person who identifies outside of the male/female binary wants to be identified just as women and men want to be identified. They want to be seen and heard as they are, for the gender they are. There are options out there that are "neutral" (They, One, Person, etc) but for the words I've provided I've never heard of options that are specifically for those outside the binary. I suppose the title "gender neutral" is misleading. Now that I think about it. What I was/am looking to provide is words for those who identify outside the male/female binary. Which actually isn't neutral at all.

A while back...a few years ago I believe...I talked about gender neutral terms. I was only able to tell you about another option in place of he/she which is "ze" (I should mention...there are many sets. There are also a number of folks who don't dig any of the pronouns sets...and that's ok.) and the replacement for his/hers which is "hir" (pronounced "hear")

That's it. That's all we could say. That's all there was. However...looking at language there are so many other gendered words that only having these two words...left MUCH to be desired. Anywhere I've looked I've never seen anyone discuss any words beyond he/she and his/hers. There are SO many more gendered words that we need in order to flesh out our language. Thankfully English is pretty flexible...slang is always coming into "vogue" (and often right back out of vogue....) I feel like...when words can come in, and flow, and click...they can find they're way into our natural speak.

Cyndi and I have set about to find, or create words to open up the language so that it's more function, usable and accessible. So I present the current list to you. After all...it's not really me who uses these words...as I don't talk about myself in third person. It's for others. For you...perhaps. This list is not complete, and as I said...we actually created some of these words...so it's no professional linguist bringing this to you. :)

In searching I found Per which is short for person. It would go in place of he/she. So you could say "Oh yea, that's Sevan. Per's cool." (if you were to use that set. Cyndi and I have been playing with it...it's an option.)

I think the reasons people have strong feeling about it is because it's new. No one ever questions he/she because we learned t at such a young age we didn't question it, or any other words we learned. That's just the words. That's just what those words mean. It just is, and we accept that. These new words are for scrutiny because they're new.

I have no real illusions of changing the world. I've seen blogs, forum posts and many many people trying to discourage me for a number of reasons from creating or seeking words to support and represent those outside male/female binary. I get it. There are MANY reasons these words may never ever take off. I'm ok with that. I just want to add to the conversation. I want to be able to express myself, and have those around me express and talk about me in ways that are supportive and positive...and correct. Labeling me female is not right. That's not what/who I am. I am an androgyn and the language should support that. While I'd love for our language to just not be gender based but....THAT'S not gonna happen. So...even if my circle of peers is the only people who use these words I'm offering...fine. That's fine with me. However...if these words are found by someone else, and gives them language to express themselves in a positive way...that's AWESOME!

The first one I really like is boy/girl/nute. Nute being short for neutral. Cyndi came up with it, and the main reason why we found it important is to fit into boyfriend/girlfriend/nutefriend. Generally you don't find children expressing androgyn or third gender identity. Teens however and young adults in relationships who might desire a word for their significant other...there ya have it!

I've got a friend who really likes to call people Sir/Ma'am and I have stumped her. So we came up with Mir. It's a simple mash of Sir and Ma'am. Many of the words we've come up with are mashes of the male and female words.

Such as Hersband, in place of husband/wife. Hers-band. :)

Still don't have one for the Father/Mother...but I really like Mada in place of Mom/Dad.

Brother/Sister Bro-ster. This one actually came from Cyndi's brother who was struggling with the transition early on and just couldn't make the leap in his mind that Cyndi was now his sister. We hear that and immediately had a word for those in between.

One word I badly want is a word in place of Uncle/Aunt but...I don't have one. Niece/Nephew and Grandma/Grandpa replacements aren't as important to me personally...but I'd like to have them just to complete the set. I'm sure there are words I'm missing but this is the list as it stands so far. :)

Male	Female	Androgyn/3rd gender/Null
He	She	Ze/Per
His	Her(s)	Hir(s)/Pers
Boy	Girl	Nute
Sir	Ma'am	Mir
Mr.	Mrs.	Mir
Husband	Wife	Hersband
Boyfriend	Girlfriend	Nutefriend/Ladydudefriend
Father	Mother	?
Dad	Mom	Mada
Brother	Sister	Broster
Uncle	Aunt	?
Nephew	Niece	?
Grandpa	Grandma	?

Pronouns...revisited

I know we've talked about pronouns before on this blog in the context of MtF. It gets a little messier when we start talking about androgyn's. Everything is gendered. All the time we refer to people by their gender. So much so that it's second nature.

In addition to being able to choose a new name for myself, I've also started to express myself in gender neutral terms. Most gender neutral pronouns are unknown by most people. However there is a great many to choose from! See here:



Chart taken from the Gender-neutral pronoun wikipedia. Great page. See full page here

As you can see, there's alot to choose from! For me...it's more about ease and comfort of the person speaking. If someone is talking to me and they're tripping all over pronouns and stuttering and correcting themselves to the point that we can't function in conversation...well...in my eyes...that's a fail. I'd rather you just call me "she" at that point because that's got the air of comfort for the speaker!

Of course this is all deeply personal. I know a number of people who feel very strongly about their need to be identified with the gender neutral pronoun set of their choosing. Pronouns are a huge trigger of pain for a number of people. I suppose I'm lucky that it's not THAT big of a deal for me verses other things. However when I'm out with my wife and we get the "hi ladies!" I do bristle some.

So what do *I* like? What would *I* prefer? Above all, I prefer to be a person. Not a lady, or guy, or woman or man...just a person. I can even be a "silly person" or what have you!

To my sisters I am their sibling. (or at least would like to be identified as such) My main nickname among my immediate family is "sis" (creative...I know.) and it's a small dagger to me every time it's used.

In the land of type I really like "s/he". However it doesn't translate well into speaking so that doesn't really work. I like "e" because it's already part of existing pronouns (She or he) so it flows in language easily I think. In the same way I use "hir".

The problem with pronouns is that...I never really use them myself! I can't model that to other people because I never refer to myself as "s/he". Of course not!

One hang up that has happened recently is the matter of "aunt". I don't have any children of my own, so we didn't have to come up with any new "mama/dada" lingo (though I put them together to create Mada and I love it...) however i do have one nephew and two nieces. They all call me "aunt [birth name]". So it's part title, and part...my name! It's who I am to them. That's a big deal. I was discussing the matter with my SIL recently and we didn't come to any solid options that felt like it REALLY fit. Aunt and uncle don't combine very easily to make a new word.

A friend suggested "andi" as a short/cute version of androgyn with the bonus of sounding like auntie. I like that. I think it's cute.

Whether intended or not, the pronoun set that you use toward someone shows who you think they are; how you view them. If I'm in the store, and I see a stranger from behind and refer to that person as a woman...but that person is actually a man; that man is libel to be upset with me! Because he's a man and wants to be addressed and seen as such! I completely understand.

My identity as an androgyn is just as valid and real as anyone else's identity as man or woman (this includes MtFs and FtMs as they still fit within the binary)

There is a learning curve, and I definitely understand that. When Cyndi started transition and I had to switch to the female set of pronouns when referring to her, that took time and practice. I do alot of journaling, so writing correct pronouns where I could easily edit myself if I messed up set it in my mind quickly and transferred to my speech patterns relatively quickly. I also made sure to correct myself mentally in any of my self talk. What we think...we may eventuall say. It takes practice, patience and understanding.

Pronouns-a primer

A large struggle among friends and family of someone who is transitioning is changing the way we address the trans person. I’ve already discussed the matter of name change, but now let us talk about pronouns.

Gender has a huge role in how we speak. More so in other languages and cultures (such as those that are Hispanic) however everything from “Dude, bro, hon, and lady” on top of proper he/she, his/hers ect.

One of the most affirming things you can do when a person comes out as transgender/transsexual is use the pronouns of their true inner gender. However this can often be one of the most difficult steps for friends and family. Especially the spouse.

When Cynthia first stated the need to start transition, it was a multi step process. It is after all very very scary to admit! She first said that she only wanted to go part time, and felt herself androgynous. Which is often identified as somewhere between the two genders.

For me, when referring to someone who identified as androgynous; it didn’t feel right to use either female or male pronouns. (and a number of androgynous people prefer gender neutral pronouns) I started the process of taking gender out of my speech all together because it was quickly getting confusing! There are a large number of gender neutral pronouns. You can find most of the one’s I’ve heard of on this wiki. I like the Spivak set myself but even still it feels uncomfortable for me personally as it leaves many things out that I normally use.

I was never aware how gendered my love language was until Cynthia started transition. Around our house you can often hear “lover lady/lover man, silly man/silly woman” on and on. You get the picture. So I set about removing those from my language which left me feeling like something was missing.

The “stop” in androgyny didn’t last and Cynthia recognized herself to be transsexual. She wants/wanted to be fully respected as a woman. I found it much easier for me to pick up feminine pronouns! Almost joyous after I’d been letting so many things go unsaid because of their gender connotation.

Add on top of this that I am not out at my work about Cynthia’s transition. So at work I still talk about “my husband” and use “his” male name. If we’re out in public and Cynthia is dressed en homme (as a man) I need to use masculine pronoun set and name. If she’s out in public en femme (as a woman) then I need to use feminine pronoun set and name. It’s enough to make a person’s head spin! I do get it wrong. I am most definitely not perfect. It’s been a struggle, though the more I speak, type and think of her as female, the easier it becomes.

I think that was definitely the turning point for me. I started encouraging myself (not forcing myself.) to think feminine pronouns and name. Once it was comfortable in my own head it was much easier to flag her down across a store, “Cyndi!” convincingly and comfortably.

A number of spouses that I know report it being their biggest struggle. That they simply can not see their mate as woman (or man depending on which direction the trans spouse is going) and find creative ways to fully leave gender out of their speech. Everyone is different and comes to acceptance at different times, in different ways.

I stick to my original assertion though. The fastest way to show your true support is to use proper pronouns when talking to a trans person. I know that in this house there was a visible relaxation that took place when I started referring to Cynthia as she. The smile that followed was all I needed to know. After all, I wouldn’t want to tell someone I’m a woman, and have them insist I am a man. That would be beyond infuriating! What an insult that would be. No?