Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mirrors and truth

Recently I walked by a mirror and I was so stunned and happy to see how female I am starting to look that I went into tears.
Joy, and sorrow.
Joy that I am finally here and a deep and abiding sorrow that I had not adressed this issue a long time ago.

Before I started to transition when I looked in the mirror every male trait I had stood out like a beacon. I didn't see the less than masculine dude others saw. I saw a face very much ravaged by T poisoning. I saw ubber male, even though that was not the reality of the matter.

Now I hope I am seeing a little more clearly. Honestly I can not know, my eyes have lied to me before and I believed it.
Sad when you can not even trust your own testimony to yourself.
When I look in the mirror now I am seeing a girl most the time. Sometimes I see a guy but nowhere near as often as before.
It is mind blowing how a simple hormone can change everything.

When I see Cynthia in the mirror instead of Pete I see myself as I always should have been. But when I see myself in the mirror I am also reminded of how long it took me to come to terms with being me and that hurts.

Friday, October 8, 2010

One year HRT.

One year HRT. Wow.
I defiantly should have done this 25 years ago. …hindsight 20/20
No sense crying over spilt milk. Yet I do just that plenty often enough.
I have grown more in the last year as a spiritual and social creature than all the past years before it combined. Great and small insights into the condition of human life have seemed like a daily occurrence. Every day seemingly offering a chance at deep insight…..
HRT has been nice to me. Lately most folks see the girl when they see me. That man is becoming more and more the figment of my imagination. I know I am that person that was Peter but it almost seems it is a practice in role playing to summons that man. I didn’t think I would be so disassociated with the male incarnation a year ago. I seem to have played the part of the man I like. But I am not the mask known as Peter I am a woman known as Cynthia Lee.
My brain has rewired 4 or 5 times due to the HRT over the last year. Each time the changes are deeper and more complete. Each time I have thought I couldn’t change anymore only to have more changes become apparent. I find myself anxiously looking forward to the next change with a taste of fear of the unknown.
My body is only recently shifting fat to where it should be, but not fast enough damn it. lol But I do have small boobs and a feminine face.
So anyways I am defiantly a woman. Regardless of my body config I am female. I always was, it just took me some time to be sure of it 100%. (The HRT pretty much removed all doubt on the 2nd week. :) )
To this day I am giddy when I get my HRT. I get silly happy when I get my shot ready every time. So I am pretty sure I am on the right path. 
The next year of HRT is what I am really looking forward to. I should be able to get an orchi within the 3-6 months if my cardiogist will take me off plavix…. **fingers crossed**
Anyways I have rambled on enough.
Have a wonderful day,
Cynthia Lee