Targeted by TERFs

This morning when I tried to log into Facebook I found that I was banned from posting or liking Facebook posts for 24 hours. I am only able to like comments people make on posts.


So what did I do that warranted being put in 'Facebook Jail' for 24 hours?


Well it turns out that a certain TERF did not like what I had said in a comment I made to a thread about 6 months ago.
What was it I said? Something to the effect that the TERF in question is in my opinion unstable and dangerous. I also said something to the effect that I worry that someday I will read in the news that she has killed a trans* woman.


I stand by that. TERFs scare the hell out of me. They are so blindly focused on their rage fetish (transsexual and transgender women) that they seem willing to go to any lengths to harm us. When one of us stands up to them we get doxxed, dead-named and often cyber stalked and bullied. If these activities send a trans* woman into a suicidal spin, and the girl checks out, then those TERFs have killed a person. You do not need to be wielding a gun or a knife to murder. TERFs know that trans* women are particularly vulnerable to suicidal ideation, yet they continue to be a thorn in our collective sides.
Would I be surprised to hear a TERF had killed a trans* woman first hand via murder? Unfortunately no. They have shown they are capable of hatred of trans* women. Why should I doubt they are capable of violence against trans* women?


I will not hold my tongue when the topic turns to Radfem TERFs. They are dangerous for trans* women. They have shown repeatedly how much they hate us, so if they come up in casual conversation I will warn my trans* sisters about them every time.


Cathy Brennan, you got me put in Facebook jail for a whooping 24 hours, over a comment that was about 6 months old. You are a petty bitch.


Well I certainly will take this opportunity to tell it like it is about you one more time.

The End of Prohibition in the Marijuana Era

First off I want to dedicate this article to the memory of my father A. Kent Bussell. For better or worse, for right or for wrong my father gave me my taste for marijuana and a sense of being a weed aficionado.
Now my father did not smoke me out my first time. The name of that person shall sit with me in secret as that person really should have not been smoking out a 7 year old. But it is what it is.
At about 10 or 11 years of age my dad gave up on fighting with me over the weed I was swiping from him and he gave me some rules of use and we slowly over the years became stoner buddies. See dad was a weed dealer and the stuff was always around. Weed put me through school, put clothes on my back and food on the table pretty much the entire time I lived with my father as a kid. For years I was his protégé, his mini me partner in crime; we would scale up more pot in a month than most people will see in a life time. Early on I developed a delicate palate for marijuana and I would grade the weed for dad. I probably shouldn’t go into to many details of these felonies my father committed, but he has long passed on and I am pretty sure the D.E.A. already has a much larger file on my father than I do, it is no big deal. Everyone who knew Kent, knew he was a drug dealer. This is no big revelation.

Dad was of two minds on the entire idea of marijuana prohibition repeal. On the one hand he wanted to be able to go into a store and be able to buy it without any worries about getting busted. Before being a weed dealer Kent was a weed smoker. He might sell you all the pot in the world, but he would never sell his last bag. On the other hand he knew that weed prohibition repeal would put guys like him out of work and it would take away the single best tool in his tool box for selling coke. (Yeah, dad sold coke, and some other heavy drugs.)
See the best way to build a coke or meth empire is to already have access to the local black market. You can show up 'Johnny Come Lately' in just about any town or city and start selling weed in one day and very few eyebrows are raised. But if you are new to a town and you try to start selling coke or meth you raise eyebrows, you step on toes and it gets a person busted fast or in a grave.
But with a weed empire in place it is much easier to ferret out whom is into the harder stuff.
I won’t go into the details of how to do it as I don’t want to give ideas to people, just trust me on this. You NEED marijuana to safely set up a hard drug empire. Weed is the key.

Daddy also used to say many times “the day someone figures out how to get the government to accept tax money on a weed sale, is the day weed becomes legal and I am out of a job.”

Personally I never thought I would see the day. I am not the only one who knows the dirty ins and outs of the drug trade. I am not the only one who knows the prominence and importance of marijuana to the black market. Big players, scary people who would kill for profit, who have pull and power know this stuff and make money from weed and from the black market that was created on the back of weed.
So I was rather surprised that Washington and Colorado have turned a new leaf in this department and they are now allowing the sale of marijuana in proper stores.

This morning Sevan and I were driving in Spokane to see a friend and on the way we spotted a marijuana store. I noticed there was an open sign and people were going in and out.
Well we did a u-turn after talking about it for a few seconds and we scrounged together our dollars. As I walked into the store and saw the meager over priced offerings I remembered my father and how we would talk about this day and if it would ever come or not.
I remembered the stress of so many back alleys and in the park weed deals over the years. Memories of going to the bad part of town and entering a building I knew for a fact was a front for a well known gang with international name recognition just to get some weed ran through my mind. The worry if I may get robbed, sold bunk weed, or laced weed was ever present when making a new connection. But there were none of those elements of danger. As it dawned on me just how momentous this moment really was I started to feel wonder and awe. The emotions started to whelm up in me. Until the last election when we legalized I never thought I would see this day. Even though we had passed the referendum part of me still doubted I would ever see this day.
Eventually it came up to my turn. The young man asked me what I wanted in the friendly manner one is accustomed to in other stores. It took a monumental effort to not burst into tears as I stood ready to make my request. I made my selection and paid my money then made my way out of the store quickly because I could feel the tears coming.
By the time I got to my car I was a blubbery, snotty, tear stained mess. Years and years of waiting for this day culminated in a small purchase of only a gram of mid grade marijuana that I paid more for than it was worth. Honestly I really didn’t even need the marijuana as I have a little bit of my medical grade crispy treats left over from last year’s harvest. But that gram of weed wasn’t about need; it was solely so I could do it. I bought that marijuana wishing my father was standing next to me, imagining how he would be joyful to be in that store. I bought it because this day has been so long overdue. I bought it because I want desperately to see the end of black market marijuana. No one knows better than me the price the drug wars have exacted on this society. I grew up at the knee of a drug lord seeing first hand how brutal it got over the years. I want the illegal trade to end.

As we drove off and I was composing myself I found myself wondering if back when alcohol prohibition was repealed if some woman had a tearful moment as she bought her first legal bottle of gin or whiskey. The feeling that a long hard righteous battle had been won is a feeling of anti-climax in a way. Since the day I bought my first bag of pot I have been part of the drug wars. Many times in the past I got involved in the marijuana trade simply out of a sense of duty and honor. The idea that the government was trying to eradicate this plant set wrong with me. That people were going to prison for a substance with so much potential while holding so few side effects was an injustice. I knew prohibition was wrong and I did my part to make sure that when prohibition was repealed we would have marijuana available.

What didn’t happen as I bought my marijuana is the most important part and the message society really needs to hear:
As I walked into the store I didn’t need to worry the marijuana dealer might have a gun, it didn’t even cross my mind. As I said hello to the store tenders I was greeted with a smile and in a professional manner and I was not intimidated. No body guard of questionable repute was guarding the dealer and weed. As I handed over my money for my package I was not offered a line of coke, a puff of meth or a dose of acid. There was no chance of that as no reasonable business would risk such idiocy. I was not pressured into buying more marijuana than I could afford. I was not invited to participate in any form of felonious activities. And that is the most important thing! No crime was involved, and no one conspired to commit a crime. It was a simple government sanctioned and TAXED transaction. It was just like going to any other store selling a specialty product.

Now at the exorbitant price of $25 a gram there is no way you can put a dent in the black market. The price is too high. If the local businesses can get the price down to $12.50 then the black market will start to slowly diminish. The reason why I say $12.50 is the magic number is because the average street price of a gram of high quality marijuana is $10.00. At $12.50 that is only two and a half bucks higher than the street price. This is two and a half bucks spent to not get busted buying black market weed. I am pretty sure the majority of pot smokers would gladly pay a $2.50 fee to not get busted. As it stands at $25.00 a gram for moderate grade weed it is a no brainer for the pot head already accustomed to breaking the law. It is a no brainer, the stoner is going to go to the black market dealer who will sell the pot head 2 grams for $20.00 and the criminal marijuana buyer has 5 bucks left over for Cheetos, Pepsi and Funyuns. The legal sellers are not going to be able to compete with the criminal sellers at these prices. Now sure you will see legal store sales to plenty of novelty buyers, marijuana tourists and people who do not smoke regularly as they do not have a dealer, but the heavy marijuana user is not going to be your customer. The person who is used to paying $10.00 is not going to be willing to pay $25.00; it is just simple economics here.
My advice to the powers that be in Washington State and the providers is if you are serious about putting an end to black market marijuana is to lower the price and open a bunch more stores. For the first 5 years completely undercut the black market. Drop the local price and you will squeeze out the black market dealer. As it stands, with folks having legal right to smoke, the black market will only get larger. I can tell you that a grower can make a enough money to make it worthwhile by selling as low as $5 a gram, at $10 a gram they are comfortable. Now that the prices are so high in the legal stores the black market dealer can safely push his product price up to $15.00 a gram and cut out the legal store from the loop and live very well.

But let us not bury the lead with negativity.

Today I walked into a professional marijuana store and bought marijuana. It has finally happened daddy. I wish you were here to see this day.
So as I spark this next doobie I dedicate it to the memory of my father who would have been just tickled pink to smoke a joint that has been taxed.

An open letter to the Spokane Trans* Comunity

An open letter to the Spokane trans* community:


I am asking everyone to re-unify and put aside differences.

Consider the troubles that have drove us apart over the last year. Every one of them is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. Not a single one of the issues has been of the magnitude of a really serious issue. We never needed law enforcement to interfere and we haven't gone to blows. Nothing like those things has happened. Mainly we have had personality conflict that was informed by misunderstandings and hurt egos.

We can fix this. The rifts are repairable as they are not based in any major betrayals. Sure there has been some petty infighting, gossiping and back biting, but that is minor stuff.

I want to point out that it has been said many times (and it seems very obvious): You don’t go through life trans* and not come out with some amount of PTSD. Just the trauma of living in the wrong body, or in a society that does not accept us will result in PTSD. You don’t have to even transition to have this problem.
A large amount of us have issues with boundaries. A large amount of us have issues socializing in groups.

Every one of these things that we have issues with can cause friction. We are all dealing with varying levels of personal issues. We are a fragile community and as such we can break. But when you have something beautiful that breaks, you try and glue it back together and treat it better.

Also, we have to take into consideration that people tend to have trouble dealing with others who have the same flaws they perceive they have themselves. 

These things do make for a tough battle and have for us. But we can prevail and stay a strong force for the community.

 ~~~~~~~
Proposal:
We come back together and get back to the mission of supporting each other and saving lives, which I can assure you, we have saved lives.
We work with the understanding that most of us are flawed. There will be disagreements and issues in the future. But we have to work past those issues. Lives are literally on the line.
 ~~~~~~

I own my part in the troubles. I am not perfect and I do not fight fair at all. It is one of my flaws.
But nothing happens in a vacuum. I had my own reasons and I felt pretty passionate about them and my feelings were hurt also a few times down the road this last year.

I am totally committed to letting that go and moving forward for the community. My precious and tender ego will just have to get over it as I move on. I do not have time to let my hurt feelings take over my mission. Not over small shit. I can't stay mad over small shit. Can I talk you into letting bygones be bygones so we can move forward?

Now that Pride week is over we have a simple easy summer ahead of us. Due to Pride we will see a number of new people trickle in over the next couple of months. With visibility we attract more of our own.


In two weeks we will have our standard issue get together. I hope to see you there.

Have a great day and a better tomorrow,
Cynthia Lee

Cathy Brennan a conversation

Cathy Brennan sent me a facebook message this morning. To be honest I was rather surprised that I would even be on this womans radar.
So here is the conversation we had this morning. I tried to keep it civil and respectful as I do not like to blow up. (granted I do on occassion, one of the flaws of humanity)

about an hour ago Cathy Brennan hope you are well! http://iblamecathybrennan.wordpress.com/2012/03/27/the-sisterhood-%e2%98%85-blames-cathy-brennan-for-cotton-ceiling-cock-blocking/


The Sisterhood ★ Blames Cathy Brennan For Cotton Ceiling Cock Blocking

iblamecathybrennan.wordpress.com

Alexandra Goodman http://leftytgirl.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/cathy-brennan-vs-the-cotton-ceiling/ I don’t know if any of you have been following the cotten ce.....Share..

about an hour ago Cyndi Bussell

Greetings and salutations.

I hope the day finds you in good spirits and having a good day.



I see that you have taken an interest in our group.

I stand behind my statement that anyone who answers a question with "blah blah blah" can be discounted and ignored.



When topics get so heated and passions run deep it is incumbant for all parties to try and remain calm and focused so that they may present a deep and thought proveking response when challenged.



Anyways,

May your week be awesome,



Cynthia Lee

..

about an hour ago Cathy Brennan Asking the same question repeatedly and ignoring the answer deserves a blah blah blah. I am not responsible for answering the same bullshit repeatedly.

..

about an hour ago Cyndi Bussell

OK.

I just started reading up on these issues.

I am certainly not an opinion leader or any form of leader in the trans* comunity. I am just a gal who is in a few groups.



When I read the entire cotton ceiling thing I was rather put off by the arguments on both sides to be honest.

I do not care to present my opinions or views to you. It would all just be transplaining.



But I will say this to you,

My mother is a lesbian, out and pround since the late 70's, she is a great mom, a feminist, a writer and part time philosopher and she has no issues with trans lesbians.

..

about an hour ago Cathy BrennanNeither do I, as it turns out. I have a huge problem though with rapey assholes.

..

32 minutes ago Cyndi Bussell

So do I.

When I get rapey, by all means get in my buisness. As it is...I have been castrated so there is not much worry about that now is there?

Also I do not violate lesbian spaces, I know better to go where I am not invited. The only involvement with lesbians I have is through my local LGBT center, and when I visit my mom.

..

31 minutes agoCathy Brennan I'm sorry, but i don't know who you are - do you think I have been talking to *you* specifically?

..

28 minutes ago Cyndi Bussell

considering how you contacted me out of the blue and we have never had a conversation previously...

yeah kinda



I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Sorry.

..

28 minutes ago Cathy Brennan Cyndi - I sent you that blog link since you enjoy talking out of your ass. WRT to cotton ceiling discussions, i don't know you.

..

24 minutes ago Cyndi Bussell

OK

Yeah I do have a tendancy to talk allot. I admit it. But I did read like 3 articles that covered this topic and I was surprised to see you respond to comments like you did. You articulate rather well but when you resorted to blah blah blah, I was lost. I couldn't believe you went there and yes I dismissed you out of hand bassed on a juvinile response.



Have you considered teaming up with Lynn Baker? The two of you have similar goals and opinions.

..

19 minutes agoCathy Brennan OMG you read 3 articles! Aren't you a wonder!

..

16 minutes ago Cyndi Bussell

Yeah only 3 articles in my entire life....

hehe

Yeah once I got 3 articles into the cotton ceiling thing I was done with it to be honest.

Seemed like no one could be rational after the coments started flying. So I droped it and moved on to working. This home will not tend to itself it seems.

..
__________________________________________
 
So. I am suddenly in the middle of a conversation that had nothing to do with me.
 
I stand behind the comment I made in the Sisterhood.
 
If all ya got is "blah blah blah" you have no real argument.

Will return soon...

Sorry I haven't been making posts lately.

I will return to blogging soon.

Date with a straight.

Tonight OutSpokane is putting on its 3rd annual Date with a Straight. The idea is to auction off 12 volunteers for a valentines ball being held on Saturday the 11th. The proceeds will go to OutSpokane's efforts to put on the Pride parade and continue their mission of education.

http://www.outspokane.org/


http://www.outspokane.org/straight_date.html

Sevan will be one of those auctioned off for charity. I hope to win the date with Sevan but if I do not it is OK. It is for a good cause!

So if you are in the Spokane area stop by Irv's tonight, have a few drinks and pitch a few bucks to the Pride cause!!!

hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Life is normal now.

It would seem that 2 years into transition, life has settled into a new normal.

My book Saga: the Game has come a long way but it needs some more work.
The play test version is available from lulu.com

This is the download.
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/saga-the-game/17345439?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/3

Here is the actual book.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/saga-the-game/17273982?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1

If any one out there gets either...I am aware of the gramatical errors and I really do not need input on that issue. I am working on those issues.
What I really need is a review of the mechanix and usser friendly aspects.

Anyways.
I would like to get this book in a finished format with art work and perhaps a hard cover but my artists have been kinda slow getting me art.

Thank you for reading.

Sorry I have been away...

Sorry I have not posted in so long.

Sevan had a breast reduction last week. Ze is still in rough shape but on the mend.

Things are at a borring normal. This was the goal of my transition. Normal and ho hum. I am not looking for much excitement in life.
I am much happier staying at home and just goofing off.

Hopefully my game group can get back togather and start playing again. It has been too long.

Anyways.
Can't promise a post any time soon but I will try.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Stealth? No thank you!

Had I transitioned at 22 when I first tried, I would have gone deep stealth. It was my plan. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible.


Anyways I did not transition at 22. I crossed paths with the wrong head shrink and I was not mature enough to see past his bullshit and transition in spite of what he said.

However, had I transitioned then, I very well might have never seen my family again. Neither my family nor I would have been mature enough to handle me transitioning. I can see that clearly now.



Now I am too old to properly pull off stealth, so it is not much of an issue for me actually.

But I am happy in a way.

As I matured so did my family.



When I first came out to my loud and proud lesbian mom we discussed allot of things that are part of many trans peoples lives.

One of the topics that came up was stealth. I had to explain to her what it meant. When I explained to her what stealth was she got a concerned look on her face and said 'that's the closet, please tell me that's not what you want?'

I agreed that that was indeed a form of closeting and that I would not be looking to go stealth. I knew right at that moment that my mother would never respect my choice to go stealth if I decided to go that path.

My mother's respect and admiration mean allot to me. When I came out as Trans, I actually regained my mother's respect and admiration. Before I came out there was a wall between us, put up by me; specifically because of this damn GID issue, I was hiding from the world. I hurt allot of my family to put that wall up, it is rather surprising to me that I was able to reconcile with my family to be honest.

My sister in law, who I feared turning on me the worst, has become a sister to me in many ways since I came out.

Everywhere I turn, the people in my life have treated me rather well since my transition. They finally know what was eating me all those years and see that I have done something to fix it. They see I am indeed much happier, and the fact that I had to transition to find that happiness is not lost on them it seems.

They respect me now.

Go figure.



I however have no doubt if I were to have gone stealth I would have lost the respect of my mother and the rest of my family. They would see any attempts at living stealth as a form of closeting.

To keep my families respect all I have to do is be honest and not bullshit. That's easy enough for me.



I am out and open. There is no façade left in me. My entire world has rewarded me in small esoteric ways for being out and open.

My family respects me and I feel like I am living as real as I can.

Yes, I am trans. I am also a woman. Trans is just a qualifier to me. It is no different from white woman, HIV+ woman, or married woman, they are all just qualifiers.

My first go at transition.

I tried to transition at 22. However, I ran into a very bad psychiatrist who told me I was trying to live out a sexual fetish and I was only going to ruin my life. He told me I was sick and that the only way to cure myself was to stop dressing en femme and to get married and have children.


I was 22. I believed every word he told me. After all he was the doctor and there were transsexual women out there who had to go to doctors to transition. Obviously, he could tell the difference between a transsexual and a pervert. He said I was a pervert.

I did not know that not all doctors where not on the same page. I did not know that there are different schools of thought and differing medical opinions on Trans people.

It failed of course.

I eventually transitioned at 41.

Turns out, the doctor was wrong. I was not a pervert or a deviant. I was just a young woman who crossed paths with a very bad doctor.

That doctor ruined my life. I was so young and impressionable. I took what he said to heart.

I am happy to be were I am today, but I can not help to wonder what my life would have been like if I had been able to transition as a young woman.

Working on a project.

The one thing I have wanted other than transition was to write a game system and try and market it.
Currently I am working on a Role Playing Game.
I will post updates soon.

A month and a day.

It has been a month and a day since I had my breast augmentation.
I am thrilled and tickled pink.
Having them has helped with my self confidance and comfort.

If you are a trans girl and you are looking for a good surgeon to do a breast augmentation look no further than Dr. Nguyen in Lake Oswego, Oregon.
He is a nice guy and very personable. His work is good and I could not be happier.


I have been on hormone therapy for 2 years, I have been castrated and I have had breast augmentation. I don't know that I will ever be able to get my genitals repaired, but if I am unable to do so... I have gotten to a place where looking at myself nakid no longer freaks me out or turns my stomach.

I might not be 100% female, but I am accepted as a female by my peers and most of society.

I'd call that a win.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Soon

On the 8th of July I will get a breast augmentation surgery.
I am very anxious and somewhat scared.
I am not looking forward to the pain, but I know that I will be very happy once the healing process is finished.
:)

So I am a bad person.

Seems that a certain someone won't let it go. She has taken to lieing about me on her blog. Posting things that sound really off the wall and atributing them to me. I know I say wierd shit and I often put my foot in my mouth but damn...Just wait. You don't need to make things up about me to make me look bad. I will invariably step in a pile of shit soon enough. Just sit back and wait. It'll happen.

Had a couple more surgeries.

On March 2nd I had a bifemoral aortic bypass. This was a major surgery that very well could have killed me. I have mostly recovered from the surgery and I am well on my way to healing.

On April 25th I had a bilateral orchidectomy. For those who don't know what that is it is a simple castration. Both of my testicles were removed leaving the penis and scrotum intact for future SRS, should I opt to get it.

I am very happy to be free of them. Now I no longer need to worry about taking anti androgens and I can cut my estrogen intake down. Also I might be one of the lucky girls and get a secondary round of feminization.

Anyways ...
I know I should post more often but I get side tracked alot.

Hello again.

I know I havent posted in a while...Sorry.

So I had a surgery on my arm recently. I had an ulnar translocation I think it was called. Any ways I went in to see the doc the other day. She removed about 1/3 of the stitches in my arm. She wants to remove the rest of them next week. One nice thing that has come of this.... I have plenty of extra opiates saved back. (what can I say....I hoard drugs.)


My body has changed enough over the last 16 months that except for a certain body part it looks like a girls body.

It really struck me the last few days. I have just recently been able to be naked (with underwear on) and I am ok. That's big for me. I haven't been able to stand being naked longer than the time it takes to have sex or to sleep since I was about 13 and the body hair and male muscles started showing up. Now that I have neither and have added the trace of some curve I don't have that problem so much.
If I am awake, I have clothes on. However, I spent a good 2 hours without a shirt or bra on yesterday. I probably would have gone longer but I had a health care worker over yesterday so I had to get properly dressed.

Can't wait for a boob job....

Anyways.
That is where I am with my transition now.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Mirrors and truth

Recently I walked by a mirror and I was so stunned and happy to see how female I am starting to look that I went into tears.
Joy, and sorrow.
Joy that I am finally here and a deep and abiding sorrow that I had not adressed this issue a long time ago.

Before I started to transition when I looked in the mirror every male trait I had stood out like a beacon. I didn't see the less than masculine dude others saw. I saw a face very much ravaged by T poisoning. I saw ubber male, even though that was not the reality of the matter.

Now I hope I am seeing a little more clearly. Honestly I can not know, my eyes have lied to me before and I believed it.
Sad when you can not even trust your own testimony to yourself.
When I look in the mirror now I am seeing a girl most the time. Sometimes I see a guy but nowhere near as often as before.
It is mind blowing how a simple hormone can change everything.

When I see Cynthia in the mirror instead of Pete I see myself as I always should have been. But when I see myself in the mirror I am also reminded of how long it took me to come to terms with being me and that hurts.

One year HRT.

One year HRT. Wow.
I defiantly should have done this 25 years ago. …hindsight 20/20
No sense crying over spilt milk. Yet I do just that plenty often enough.
I have grown more in the last year as a spiritual and social creature than all the past years before it combined. Great and small insights into the condition of human life have seemed like a daily occurrence. Every day seemingly offering a chance at deep insight…..
HRT has been nice to me. Lately most folks see the girl when they see me. That man is becoming more and more the figment of my imagination. I know I am that person that was Peter but it almost seems it is a practice in role playing to summons that man. I didn’t think I would be so disassociated with the male incarnation a year ago. I seem to have played the part of the man I like. But I am not the mask known as Peter I am a woman known as Cynthia Lee.
My brain has rewired 4 or 5 times due to the HRT over the last year. Each time the changes are deeper and more complete. Each time I have thought I couldn’t change anymore only to have more changes become apparent. I find myself anxiously looking forward to the next change with a taste of fear of the unknown.
My body is only recently shifting fat to where it should be, but not fast enough damn it. lol But I do have small boobs and a feminine face.
So anyways I am defiantly a woman. Regardless of my body config I am female. I always was, it just took me some time to be sure of it 100%. (The HRT pretty much removed all doubt on the 2nd week. :) )
To this day I am giddy when I get my HRT. I get silly happy when I get my shot ready every time. So I am pretty sure I am on the right path. 
The next year of HRT is what I am really looking forward to. I should be able to get an orchi within the 3-6 months if my cardiogist will take me off plavix…. **fingers crossed**
Anyways I have rambled on enough.
Have a wonderful day,
Cynthia Lee

Poly people~ Cynthia Lee

My wife and I are polyamourous. Problem is we are living in a monogamous relationship. We would be 1000% willing and ready to accept another lover but alas it is not to be it would seem. (there are some serious complications involved)
Last night I received wonderful news that is somewhat of a bitter pill.
One of the couples my wife and I hold very close and dear have entered into a poly relationship. The wonderful part is that they are in a poly relationship the bitter part is that the woman in this relationship has spent years denigrating and casting doubt on the validity and stability of polyamoury. Suddenly she has what I have always wanted and what she has always talked poorly of. In a way I feel like I am owed an apology for all the times poly was down talked and dismissed, I highly doubt I will get it. For all her wonderfulness I have never seen this woman say sorry or admit she was wrong for any reason.

So I am sad and bummed out. I see friends having poly relationships and I want that also but it will never happen.

I am so bitter I could just die.

Sorry for not writing more often.- Cynthia

I know it has been a long time since I wrote here. Mostly nothing had changed until the last 2 weeks.
Recently I had a pair of heart attacks and as a result my doctor has substantialy reduced my E.
I feel like I am at a stand still in my transition although this is not true in reality. I am still on spiro and I am still on estrogen just not a high enough dose to maintain my sanity. I am emotionaly a wreck.
As a result of lowered E I am becoming depressed.
I have been trying to talk my doc into an orchidectomy. That would solve some of my medication issues and assit in my transition big time.

Have a good day folks.
Cynthia Lee