Targeted by TERFs

This morning when I tried to log into Facebook I found that I was banned from posting or liking Facebook posts for 24 hours. I am only able to like comments people make on posts.


So what did I do that warranted being put in 'Facebook Jail' for 24 hours?


Well it turns out that a certain TERF did not like what I had said in a comment I made to a thread about 6 months ago.
What was it I said? Something to the effect that the TERF in question is in my opinion unstable and dangerous. I also said something to the effect that I worry that someday I will read in the news that she has killed a trans* woman.


I stand by that. TERFs scare the hell out of me. They are so blindly focused on their rage fetish (transsexual and transgender women) that they seem willing to go to any lengths to harm us. When one of us stands up to them we get doxxed, dead-named and often cyber stalked and bullied. If these activities send a trans* woman into a suicidal spin, and the girl checks out, then those TERFs have killed a person. You do not need to be wielding a gun or a knife to murder. TERFs know that trans* women are particularly vulnerable to suicidal ideation, yet they continue to be a thorn in our collective sides.
Would I be surprised to hear a TERF had killed a trans* woman first hand via murder? Unfortunately no. They have shown they are capable of hatred of trans* women. Why should I doubt they are capable of violence against trans* women?


I will not hold my tongue when the topic turns to Radfem TERFs. They are dangerous for trans* women. They have shown repeatedly how much they hate us, so if they come up in casual conversation I will warn my trans* sisters about them every time.


Cathy Brennan, you got me put in Facebook jail for a whooping 24 hours, over a comment that was about 6 months old. You are a petty bitch.


Well I certainly will take this opportunity to tell it like it is about you one more time.

Burn out is real, and it's not a sign of weakness ~Sevan

Social media is a powerful tool for the social justice advocate. Trans people can connect with one another, share issues, band together and get things done. For some of us, maybe even all of us (whether we recognize it or not) it becomes a horrible space where the work never ends, and friends, fun, family and social justice work all blend together. 

It sends the message that you should never stop working. This is a dangerous message. People need to be able to have safe places to relax and recharge. Often wonderful wise people face burn out and the movement loses those people, all their skills, knowledge and cooperation. We have to rebuild, train, connect and build new relationships. We constantly start over, but push and push for people work, attend events, research, read every article that gets shared by every single friend who shares all your same beliefs and advocates along side you.

An example. I created a Twitter account to follow musicians that I liked. The whole purpose was fun and relaxation. Twitter told all my Facebook friends that I had created a Twitter. Of course they wanted to add me, they *are* my friends, so I wanted to add them too! Quickly my twitter feed was so covered in angry trans issues, fights and encouragement to help remove trolls from Twitter to the point that I no longer go to Twitter at all. That is not to say that this issues that I was presented with on Twitter weren't important, but one only has so much time and so much energy.

We need to protect ourselves but also support others in our community. If we encourage one another to take care of themselves, our community becomes stronger and healthier. My request to those trans advocates is to consider who you're going to reach. Who reads you? Do they likely follow the same pages you follow? If so, they've probably already seen the article you're considering sharing. Not only can this be frustrating but depending on what the information is, it can be triggering and painful.

I know for myself, seeing article after article about trans people who have committed suicide hurts me deeply. I am experiencing secondary trauma, and I am not alone.

Here are some things that you can do to help build up the community, but still participate in sharing important information.

#1 Use trigger warnings, and consider not including the preview image. Pictures are bigger than words, so often a trigger image of a person who's passed away, or a person who appears grief stricken can be the first thing someone sees even if you use trigger warnings.

#2 Share your thoughts about the article, and then link the article in a comment, rather than in the body of your status or post.

#3 Pay attention when someone says they're down or struggling. Ask how you can help. Share things with them that helps you cope. Often times, people don't realize the level of stress they're under. We've gotten very good at ignoring our internal signals. Good friends can remind us to check in with that internal signal.

#4 Learn more about self care and what makes you tick. Share articles and images that lift your community up, in equal part to negative articles that are intended as a call to action.

#5 If you've seen an article more than two times, chances are, your friends have seen it too. Consider not sharing it.

Body, Social and Mind dysphoria ~Sevan

Chart by @Cassiebebop

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at a picture and instantly felt sad or dysphoric about how you perceive yourself? If you're trans*, of course you have!

I recently discovered this graphic online, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE! However, I believe that some things can't be so easily categorized, and that makes those things so much more powerful because of the potential for it to have an effect on the physical, social and mental self. For example, if you look in the mirror and are hit with negative feelings about yourself. You're seeing how you look physically, which may not line up with what you'd like to see. You may feel social pressure to present or appear differently and mentally because our minds can warp what we see in the mirror and focus on aspects of ourselves that don't give us the full picture.

To illustrate this point, I think back to early in Cyndi's transition. She would come out of the bedroom in the morning and look forlorn. I would ask her what was wrong and she would express feeling as though she looked very masculine, or as if "she was never going to pass". This very rarely lined up with what I saw in my wife, and it left me unsure which of us wasn't seeing the full truth. I suspect both of us honestly. She was seeing all her traits that she didn't like, and I generally focus on far more positive traits because I love her. My responses rarely helped her to feel less dysphoric though, as her feelings were reflecting her inner beliefs.

I know that I can get this way too. Though for me it's more about pictures than mirrors. (likely because I tend to avoid mirrors, mostly because of their dysphoria risk.) I try very hard to look at a picture of myself without judgement. Depending on the day and my mood at the time, I have varying success at being non-judgmental with myself.

So what can be done about this? How does one deal with this issue? I believe that everyone has their own way, and their own coping mechanisms that work for them. One thing that's worked for me is taking the focus off visual cues and focusing more on other senses. I like the way I smell, so I focus on that. I feel validated when I run my fingers across my facial hair stubble, or through my hair. When I am faced with a picture or myself in the mirror, I try to focus on things I do like so that I'm not focusing on negatives. For me that's my ears, shoulders, smile/lips and freckles.

What do you do when you're faced with dysphoria from the mirror or pictures?

TDOR 2014

Today , November 20th is the annual Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I have no lengthy post or depressing statistics. Those are available in plenty of  other places.

Light a candle and say a prayer for our lost brothers and sisters.

 

The Public Scrutiny of Bruce Jenner’s Gender Identity

Bruce Jenner is changing. Yep we all know that. It does in fact even look like he might be in transition. Now as he is a ‘public figure’ people feel entitled to know more about him than he has released. He is mercilessly hounded by paparazzi and rumors are posited on TV shows about his changes. I hear this snooping into his business as justified as he is on TV. No. People are not entitled to all the information they can squeeze about their celebrity obsession. People are only entitled to watch the TV shows the Kardashians put on the tube, and only if they have paid for the cable or satellite, or they are viewing from a set that a friend has paid for the privilege of viewing said shows. That is it. He has a contract of some form with a production company to be part of a TV show. What they show you on the show is all you are entitled to know about this family. If Bruce is going through a private transition that he is not comfortable speaking on publicly, then it is a violation of his humanity to pry and speculate publicly about his private life.

I hope Wendy Williams and all the other gum flappers who have the audacity to speak on this personal private issue, feel like scum for how they are treating Bruce. He does not owe any of us any explanations. We are not entitled to gossip maliciously about him just because he is on our TV sets. It is not healthy and it is hurtful when we pry into people’s private lives. I know humans are prone to gossip but we need to strive to be better.
Sure go ahead and discuss all the stuff you see on the shows that Bruce is part of and have fun. But whatever is being kept private should not be violated.

If Bruce is in transition I feel for them with all my heart. I cannot imagine the personal hell it must be to go through something so personal and intrinsically private as transition, and then to have the gossip sharks circling all around the issue. Transition is not a public mater. Transition is a personal issue and it is not your business to pry into another person’s privacy.

My advice to Bruce Jenner if they are in transition: Just jump in and get it over fast. Come out with a statement from your publicist and move away for awhile; transition in a country where you will not be hounded by the paparazzi and gossips. When you are ready for public life again, come out with a fabulous splash and a new reality show. {Hey you gotta pay bills like the rest of us right? And a reality show is easy money for you and your family.}

 

An Analogy

When one first starts their transition in some fashion it seems to be like being a shipwreck survivor.
At first the story starts with a woman floating unseen on a tiny lifeboat at sea. {The life boat is the man suit, the sea is life in general.}
She is unseen, drifting along however the currents take her. Eventually she sees a chance at life. Perhaps it is a civilized island, a pocket of humanity, or she sees a ship.
For the TS person the island is the body of knowledge available to humanity regarding transsexuals. The ship is the visible transgender community. Some are on the ship as fellow castaway; others are on the boat looking for castaways.
If she spots land and heads for it, or spots the ship and hails it, she can make her way out of the life raft and to a safer situation.
The ship is headed to the island she needs to get to, so there is something of a bonus for our castaway.

Now the island is full of savages who mean well but have odd customs and rituals. {The savages are the doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, society at large and various other gatekeepers and lore keepers.}
The only thing our castaway wants is to join the islands culture. But to join the culture and become a productive member of society she must follow the protocols and rituals of the gatekeepers. Once she becomes part of society she becomes much more functional as a person and is no longer drifting out to sea.

Sheila Jeffreys Strikes Again: or, How a Cisgender person decided Trans* lives are her property to evaluate.

Ms. Jeffreys' a long time denouncer of trans* women has struck again with her newest book, "Gender Hurts: A Feminist Analysis of the Politics of Transgenderism".

My first feelings on this matter are: How the hell does she feel entitled to critically analyze the politics of “transgenderism”, why does she keep railing against transsexual women, why does she feel she has any currency in the topic? {Transgenderism?!! WTF is that?}

She has forced her way into the discussion of trans* lives and bodies for a long time. Trans* women have been dealing with her telling the world we are vile for a long time. It is getting to the point with her that she is making her money on the backs of transgender lives and this is unjust. She rails against us and says vile things, then writes a book and makes money from our suffering?! NO!! If she was any sort of decent human she would donate every cent of the proceeds from that book to charity. Preferably a trans* one, but we all know that isn’t going to happen.
When she isn’t writing about “transgenderism” and instead is focusing in on real women’s/womyn’s issues she is smart and articulate. She proposes things to contemplate on that take some tough work. You will check your privilege at the door and think deep when you read her works. She is a true feminist and she is respected in many circles.
However that respect is then transferred to a topic she is not qualified to speak on and many feminists take her every word as gospel. This really harms TS women when such a prominent figure in the feminist world takes such a hard and vile stance on them. Transgender people of all stripes are a marginalized community and we really do not need prominent public figures making our lives more difficult.  

To get a little idea of the Ms. Jeffreys’ opinion on the matter let us turn to a wiki section on her views on trans* people:

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheila_Jeffreys

{Jeffreys has received attention for her views on transgenderism, transsexualism and gender reassignment. In an interview, Bindel explains that Jeffreys believes transsexual surgery "is an extension of the beauty industry offering cosmetic solutions to deeper rooted problems" and that in a society without gender this would be unnecessary.[5] Jeffreys has presented these views in various forums. In a 1997 article in the Journal of Lesbian Studies, for example, Jeffreys contended that "transsexualism should be seen as a violation of human rights." Jeffreys also argued that "the vast majority of transsexuals still subscribe to the traditional stereotype of women" and that by transitioning medically and socially, trans women are "constructing a conservative fantasy of what women should be. They are inventing an essence of womanhood which is deeply insulting and restrictive."[

Jeffreys' opinions on these topics have been challenged by transgender activists. Roz Kaveney, a trans woman and critic of Jeffreys, wrote in The Guardian that Sheila Jeffreys and radical feminists who share her views are "acting like a cult." Kaveney compared Jeffreys' desire to ban transsexual surgery to the Catholic Church's desire to ban abortion, arguing that both proposals bear negative "implications for all women." Finally, Kaveney criticized Jeffreys' and her supporters for alleged "anti-intellectualism, emphasis on innate knowledge, fetishisation of tiny ideological differences, heresy hunting, conspiracy theories, rhetorical use of images of disgust, talk of stabs in the back and romantic apocalypticism."} 

Ms. Jeffreys has stood against the entire idea that gender in some ways may be innate. She clings to this notion like a religious fanatic clings to their outdated beliefs.
We need only look to the case of David Reimer to see that there is indeed something innate to gender.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Reimer
 Admitting that there may be something to the entire idea of gender being innate does not take away from humanity.

I think that the fear that some of the clingers on of outdated ideals is that, in admitting that there are innate gendered differences, this will in some way invalidate a century of hard work by feminists. That is not a realistic fear. The ideal that all people are entitled to equal treatment will not go away. The fact that patriarchy oppresses women will not become untrue if gender may be innate.  The need for legislation to protect women and give them a fair shake will not go away with such a truth.
All it is saying is that there is something special and unique to being male or female that we have not yet pinned down.
Ms. Jefferys’,
I know that you must know that there is something about women that men do not have. There is a special something that other women recognize in other women. When we see each other there is the knowing smile and beaming of eyes, recognition of one woman to another that says, ‘I recognize my sister’.  

There is nothing wrong with saying that the sexes are different in some ways. No difference justifies patriarchy or oppression.

Back to her book:
From the book description on Amazon
http://www.amazon.com/Gender-Hurts-Feminist-Analysis-Transgenderism/dp/0415539404
{It is only recently that transgenderism has been accepted as a disorder for which treatment is available. In the 1990s, a political movement of transgender activism coalesced to campaign for transgender rights. Considerable social, political and legal changes are occurring in response and there is increasing acceptance by governments and many other organisations and actors of the legitimacy of these rights.
This provocative and controversial book explores the consequences of these changes and offers a feminist perspective on the ideology and practice of transgenderism, which the author sees as harmful. It explores the effects of transgenderism on the lesbian and gay community, the partners of people who transgender, children who are identified as transgender and the people who transgender themselves, and argues that these are negative. In doing so the book contends that the phenomenon is based upon sex stereotyping, referred to as 'gender' – a conservative ideology that forms the foundation for women's subordination. Gender Hurts argues for the abolition of ‘gender’, which would remove the rationale for transgenderism.


This book will be of interest to scholars and students of political science, feminism and feminist theory and gender studies.}

Ms. Jeffreys seeks to some way abolish gender and “transgenderism” which she calls a human rights violation.
Well that is very presumptuous of her. I am a transgender person and my human rights were not violated. I put the hormones in my body, not someone else. I begged the doctors to help me with my medical needs.
They agreed because they KNOW that transsexuals who do not transition kill themselves in high numbers. It has been reported that upwards of 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide. That is just the percentage of us who are still alive to report. The suicide rates of trans* people is sky high. No amount of criticism of policy will change the fact that trans* people who do not get treatment have a high mortality rate.
It has been shown that transition is the only cure for gender dysphoria. Until Ms. Jeffreys finds a cure for ‘transgender ideation’ that equals or exceeds the survival/success rate of current best practices, she should not be calling for the abolition of the treatment. If we did things her way then trans* people would never have the option to transition and we would wallow in misery.

Also, transgender people who live true to self report overwhelmingly that they are more content with life post transition. They go from depressed and unable to be productive in society, to productive members of society. That alone should be reason enough to just let us live in peace without feminist leaders labeling us as a sickness symptom of society.

So I have yet to read this book and the price tag associated with it is a little steep for my pocketbook. I will eventually get my hands on a second hand copy. I suspect that there will be nothing of new substance offered from her previous writings.

Have a great day,

Cynthia Lee

A good forum.

This is a great forum for transitioning transsexuals.
http://forum.beginninglifeforums.com/index.php

Outer boards are moderated, inner boards are not moderated but may only be accessed by members of the group. It is relatively small compared to most forums and has a homey atmosphere.

Respect for my elders.

 You gals who managed to transition before the internet have my total respect. I was incapable of doing it back in those days. I knew the path but there was no support. I couldn't do it. The internet made it much easier for us. Support is available in spades and we have actual support groups and networks in every large city.
My hat is off to you veterns of the pre internet days, you gals were the warriors who made it possible for the rest of us.
hugz

Trans* Support Groups

Sevan and I are members of a trans* support group.
Over the last few years Spokane Trans* People has gone from a small group of trans guys and me 3 years ago, too a larger group that served a total of 90 unique individuals. Our typical group meeting is about 12-20 people. 18 is the usual turn out.

When you serve this many people it is impossible to meet the needs of all of them. Yet some folks seem to forget that fact.

For Sevan and I Spokane Trans* People has been a labor of love. We have put in many hours to get it going. Neither of us has any professional experience forging peer focused support groups. We had to wing it the entire time. We sought out the wisdom of those who have gone before us and tried to do our best along the way.

The group has been rewarding for the most part and I have made some good friends. But I have also have gained the enmity of a few folks along the way.
Mainly it seems to be fueled by the group not meeting the needs of these individuals and as a somewhat leader of the group this is seen as our fault.
Going forward I have to remember that it is impossible for me to meet the needs of everyone. I simply can not do it.
I will continue being part of the group and continue to do things as I have, knowing I am affecting good change in many folks life, while understanding that I can not help everyone who comes to the group.

transition continues

So I seem to have entered a new phase of transition.

I was thinking back to my school days, specifically shop class. As I was remembering those days my first thought was "I was the only girl in many of those classes". When I think back I see a girl in boys space.
The guys always teased me and made my life misserable in those classes. Like they were trying to chase off an interloper. At the time I did not understand why but it becomes clearer to me now. They saw my effeminate manerisms that I was oblivious too.

It is odd but more and more of my memories seem to have been slightly rewritten.

hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Why we use the asterisk ~Sevan

So, if transgender is an "umbrella term"...what's the need for "trans*"? 

Simply put; there shouldn't be a need for it. However; there is. Transgender is often shortened to trans and can be interpreted as trans-male or trans-female, and many gender variant/non-cis identified people feel left out or unsure if their identity is included and being thought about. 

When I see a blog post, article or other written materials that don’t have the asterisk I wonder if they are including me and those like me. If I see a support group, brochure about transgender identities or an advertisement about a presentation that doesn’t use the asterisk I wonder if I’m welcome in that space.

My understanding is that the asterisk came from internet search structure. When you add an asterisk to the end of a search term, you’re telling your computer to search for whatever you typed, plus any characters after. Such as: trans*-gender, -queer, -sexual, etc. No idea if that’s the truth of the matter…but that’s the general “mythos” behind where the asterisk came from.

So if you, or your organizations is trying to be open and accessible by all trans* people; make sure to use the asterisk to verify to all people that you have taken the time, and intention to invite and welcome all trans* people.

Even within my local trans* support group; our name has “trans*” in it; Spokane Trans* People. All of our educational materials and presentations have trans* in it. We are committed to being open to all in the umbrella. 

Sam over at itspronouncedmetrosexual.com posted about this, and created this awesome graphic.  Click it to see his take on it.

Coming out pt 4 Hearing it ~Sevan

We've shared personal stories in part one and two; we've talked about steps involved in coming out in part three; now it's time to talk about how to handle someone coming out to you.

Similarly to our “part 3”, there’s no way I can speak to every individual circumstance. Though I’m hoping I can keep it broad enough to cover as many experiences as possible.

In no way is everyone who’s trans* like me. So they’re not necessarily going to respond how I would…keep that in mind as well.

When someone comes out as trans* to you, it may come as a complete shock. Many trans* people try very hard to fit within binary ideals. Being “big strong men, who don’t cry, might have military background, etc etc” or being “very feminine, girly, home-maker, etc” (though this is less likely thanks to the wide acceptance of “what is feminine”)

If you take one thing from this blog post; please hear this: They did not do this to hurt you. In fact, this isn’t about you at all. They love you, might look up to you, respect you and genuinely want to keep a relationship with you. Otherwise, they wouldn't come out at all; they’d just leave your life.

They may have already come out as gay or lesbian, or may be married and/or have children. You may have long history with this person; might be their spouse or parent! Everything you already know about this person could be in direct opposition to what they’re now telling you about themselves. You may want to argue with them, and try to tell them how you see them. Try to avoid this, if possible.

For transsexual adults; they have usually done everything in their power to keep from transitioning. So asking if there’s something more that could be done to keep from transitioning will only be met with the answer “no” So keep from asking that, if you can.

Hopefully, the person who is coming out to you has read my last post, or similar information about coming out. They've thought long and hard about how you might react. Fear of you reacting poorly could have had a hand in them not coming out much sooner. Parents, friends, family and spouses are very important to trans* people. As much so as anyone else.

I don’t want to put too much emphasis on “what not to do”; because I don’t prefer to be negative. Whether your friend or loved one sits you down for a face to face, a phone conversation or sends you a letter/email; they have thought through this; and chose the method that made them most comfortable, and hopefully thought through the method you would respond best to.

When I came out to my parents; I did so via email. I feared this wouldn't be the method they’d respond best to; but it was what I needed to fully express myself, explain myself, and include some links that I thought might be helpful. I wanted to be able to express myself fully and correctly. I thought they would likely respond best to a face to face, but when I thought over that at great length…I felt there was no way I’d be able to hold my own in that conversation and get all of my thoughts out. As my anxiety rises, my ability to express clearly dwindles. This was a situation where I needed to be perfectly clear. That’s why I chose email.

For my sisters, I did find a way to sit down face to face. There was far less anxiety for me in talking to my sisters than talking to my parents. So each person in my life was unique, and the way I approached them was unique.

What you say first will set the tone for the future. Watch your words carefully. If you can’t think of a kind response; it is ok to say “This is a lot to take it. I need some time to process before I talk about this again.”

That might be rough for your friend or loved one to take in, but it’ll go far better than what could quickly escalate. Emotions run high when coming out. Of course if you’re supportive and happy for your friend or loved one, share that information right away!

Learn all that you can about what it is to be transgender. Find support for yourself if you need it through PFLAG meetings or transgender support groups that might be open to SOFFAs (Significant Others, Friends, Families, and Allies) Find books on the topic, documentaries or local educational presentations. Seek out a therapist to talk to about your feelings if you need support. Your trans* loved one is dealing with quite a bit, and it would be a huge stress relief to have you educate yourself and not rely on them solely for your education about all things trans*.

Be honest about your boundaries. If your friend or loved one is talking about nothing but transgender topics or transition; you may need to gently say,

“I need some space from that topic. Can we have a “transition free day/group of days?”

Those around the trans* person often go through a process of transition themselves. New name, new pronoun, new look. It can be a lot to take in. Be honest about your needs, but if it’s support you need, find online venues; such as susan.org or Trans Family Spouses yahoo group. Both are in the side bar. There is also SOFFA* Support online: http://soffa.transmentors.org/

Or local support groups or therapists; sometimes it’s good just to be able to talk to someone openly. Try to avoid going to your trans* loved one to provide you support.

If you are unable or unwilling to be there for your loved one through their transition, it is best to be honest about that. While I hope that relationships can always be maintained, that’s not always possible. I believe its best not to drag such things out. It just elongates pain. That’s not to say that you should throw your relationship away at the first sign of difficulty; but sometimes it really is best for all people involved to just, walk away. Only you can know if you’re at that point.

Above all, be honest about your feelings and your process. Let your friend or loved one know where you’re at. There’s nothing worse than being in the dark about where we stand. Fearing that we’re going to lose someone from our lives; when really that person just needs some support and some space; is a pretty terrible feeling. They've been honest with you about who they are, and where they’re at. 

Coming out trans* pt 3 Saying it ~Sevan

Cyndi and I have both told our personal stories around coming out. Now comes the most difficult post in our four part series. Suggestions and thoughts about the process of coming out. 

Let me first say that there is no possible way I can account for every unique situation...so I'm going to do my best to keep this broad. There's no one right way for every person to come out. There just isn't. Since my experience is primarily with transsexuals/transitioning…I think my focus will be there. Not because I’m trying to ignore the rest of the umbrella, but because I want my advice to be sound, and based on personal experience/ knowledge.

The first thing I would suggest...is to understand what transgender identity is for you. Those who you come out to will want to know if you intend to transition, what that might look like for you, what surgeries or hormones you might undergo, etc. While "I don't know" is a perfectly reasonable response, it tends to upset those you're coming out to. So either be prepared for an afterthought to your "I don't know" or prepare an alternative. 

*Nothing* is ever set in stone. Ever. Especially not transition! It's a path, it's a journey, and minds can change along the way. Prepping those around you for these potential changes is highly advisable. You may decide early on that SRS is required and very necessary, but along the way may decide that it's either not desired, needed or affordable. You may be against top surgery (especially trans woman, much more so than trans men) but find that hormones don't offer what you wanted/needed; and suddenly top surgery appears very likely. 

Some, (such as families) can have a very hard time with transition, and they may need support as well. Knowing where to direct them can help them to help you. Such as:

• Local support groups for spouses of trans* people, or groups that welcome in spouses. (our trans* support group is open to spouses as well, for example.) 
• Susan's significant others online forum (parents are also welcome)
• Laura's Playground Partners/SOs section of their online forum
• Find a local PFLAG chapter

There are also books on the topic, but I'm much more for personal conversation than reading myself. I'm sure you can find some books if the person you're coming out to is a reader. 

While many would say “Be prepared to lose everyone and everything” to transition…I prefer to be a little more hopeful. I think when we go into conversations with a defeatist attitude…we end up losing. We have already gone through the loss in our own heads and I do agree that one should be prepared for every eventuality; that includes success and support!! That *is* a very possible outcome!

I think that coming out takes some soul searching as preparation. Many don’t do this. I know I didn’t…I waited until I was backed into the wall, mid transition; with my voice already changing…that’s when I came out to my parents. It should come as no surprise that that didn’t go very well! I left them out. I expected them to be unhappy, and they met that expectation.

Take some time to remember what it was like when you *very first* discovered you were trans*. What did that feel like? What did you want to hear? What would help you through that? I know for many (if not most) that this is a painful discovery. Of course we want unconditional love and support. I know some people who have gotten that reaction; and what a blessing! For most though; just like for us trans* people, it’s a process. It will take some time for those you’ve come out to; to come around.

Boundaries are a difficult thing for majority of trans* people. (It’s even mentioned in the Standards of Care!) If you are working with a qualified gender therapist; coming out should definitely be a topic to go over with them. As you will likely be the only trans* person your friend/family will know…they are pretty likely to bring their feelings and process to you. (or if they’re like my parents, the exact opposite and bring nothing to you.) They need to find other places to express their feelings about your transition so that the process doesn’t damage the relationship. This is where strong boundaries come in. Being able to encourage them to take those feelings to a support group, or trans* mentor (if your area has such a program) online forum…somewhere. Especially if they’re having negative feelings they need to process.

With that, accept some boundaries that your friends/family needs to set. I know that early on (heck…often times; still!!) Cyndi and I talked about transition pretty much to the exclusion of all else. That’s taxing for many people. There might need to be some boundaries set around that. I think that compromise can be healthy and contribute to and strengthen relationships. Some compromises are unreasonable and would be harmful. Your therapist can help with these unique and important issues.

Transition can be lonely…but it doesn’t need to be. Support, friendship and family is important to anybody but definitely important for trans* people navigating in an often times cruel world.

Coming out Part 2 ~ Cynthia Lee

Coming out take 2 ~ Cynthia Lee


My coming out as Trans* to my friends and family was met with a collective ho-hum. I got many people who reacted in a way that indicated they were not surprised. One of my friends said to me “I knew this about you for years, I was afraid you didn’t know”. Another friend said, “That makes sense. This explains a lot.” Another friend asked, “What took you so long?”

I was rather stunned by these reactions. I thought I had done a fine and dandy job of being manly and macho. I really thought that I had been successfully portraying a man to the world. Now that I have had time to reflect on my life pre transition I see clear as can be that I was dropping hints to my true gender my entire life. All my life I was actually playing the part of a man and doing it very poorly it turns out. I had expected them to attempt to defend my ‘manhood’ and try to convince me I was nuts. I expected the same treatment that most transsexuals deal with. Rejection and transphobia were what I expected but I was given love instead.

In the end I have lost no one to my coming out. All of my family and friends accept me as Cynthia. This was anti-climatic. I had prepared for ultimate rejection and being challenged, or dissuaded from my transition. I had not prepared for being accepted and loved unconditionally. It was very wonderful and awesome that I have kept my friends and family, but I had not prepared myself for this outcome. Person after person that I came out to were ok with me transitioning. In a way, it was a tad aggravating. What do you mean my portrayal of ‘man’ was so lousy that no one was buying it!??! I was so sure of the excellent job of role-playing ‘man’ that when I discovered that it was not excellent it kinda miffed me a bit. Nevertheless, it should come as no surprise. Women are not men and they do a lousy job of being men full time. Sure, some women can play the part of a man for a while, but no woman can live as a man 24/7 and not let her guard down and let the woman inside out on occasion. Turns out that I was showing the inner woman, I was letting her out on a daily basis.

Therefore, my gentle reader I want to boil it down to this: You have no idea if your friends and family will accept you or reject you until the moment of truth. It is worth the chance you take and it just might end with acceptance.

Coming out trans* pt 1. It's personal ~Sevan

This is a tough topic for me to cover because of how vast and individual and unique each person, and each coming out is. It's going to vary depending on what state (with what rights) you're in. How old you when you start coming out you are; will play a role. Plus many other things will come into play when we talk about coming out. 

I think I’ll be splitting this up into a few different entries because otherwise this large topic will be either far too long, or not properly covered. So I want to start first with my personal experience with coming out.

I was asked once which was easier; coming out as lesbian or coming out as trans*. (I've done both, and that had come up in this conversation.) For *me* it was easier coming out as trans*, and while difficult, I feel that there are many things that helped my coming out to be successful when I compare the two experiences. 

When I came out as lesbian I was in church, all my friends, all my music...were church. All my social events were through the church. So when i came out as lesbian (back in 2000) and was given the choice to "apologize to the whole of the church for your sins against the church, and move out of the apartment I lived in with my spouse to save me from "sin" and "temptation. Or, I could leave. I chose to leave. I felt, and still feel; that I had committed no sin. Especially against the church. Once I left, all of my Christian music brought pain of being kicked out of the church. All of my friends who were part of the church immediately stopped being friends with me. All my social events were gone. I was alone. I had not sought LGBT support because I didn't expect to need it...and once I did need it, I didn't know where to turn. 

Shortly after, I lost my job because of the stress of being proselytized at work by my co-workers, being shunned by co-workers. My father once showed up at work screaming at me about my "fruity life". My partner showed up at my work suicidal a few times, and needed me. 

My anxiety was through the roof.

At only 18 years old and in my first apartment; having a strained relationship with my parents, not able to see my sisters, friendless and jobless...yea; that was REALLY tough. 

After coming out lesbian to my parents our relationship was severed. For many years after  I had no contact with them. Almost never saw them. We patched things up after I left my partner of three years but under the patches were some scars left behind. I have had a very difficult time being open about most personal issues and pieces of my life.

When I came out as trans* I chose carefully who I would tell. How I would tell them. I had the support of my local LGBT center, and trans* support group. I had online support and read how others had come out, what had worked, what hadn't. 

As 28 I had a much better idea of how people might possibly respond. I knew myself much better; I knew what I needed in order to give voice to what was going on in my life. Has it gone well? Not really. My parents haven’t accepted my gender variance and don’t recognize my new name. I didn’t have that many friends, but those that I did have I was very very close and honest with, and it was easy to tell them. Luckily for me, they took it in stride and it wasn’t that big of a deal.

With my parents I sent them an email. That may not work for everyone, but I was fearful that if I tried to tell them over the phone, or in person, that I would stutter, or stumble over my words, or not say the hard things and not tell my full truth. Writing an email allowed me to do all that. I was able to save it, edit it, think about it, re-word things and include links that might help them to understand from sources outside myself.

When a person comes out (as anything, trans*, lesbian, bi, or gay) they often are exposing something they’ve kept secret. Something so integral about themselves, something they’ve buried and hidden; sometimes for many many years. To expose that piece of themselves, to bring it into the light when it has been buried for so long is to show you – the person we’re coming out to; a core part of ourselves that has no protection around it anymore. We had to tear that protection away in order to bring it to light. It’s altogether freeing, scary, amazing, and terrifying.

At the start of coming out, this piece of ourselves (at least, for me it was this way) it was as a new born baby. It is naked, exposed, and without much defense. Something that is so important, but has remained a carefully kept secret.

When someone close to me rejects this about me, they have struck out at that new born baby who is lacking any defense. That hurts in a huge way.

In the next few blog entries Cyndi and I will be talking more about coming out. More personal stories, more information for the trans* person who wishes to come out, and some information for those who might have someone come out to them. How to behave in that moment, what things you might consider saying, and how to follow up with that. This is a huge topic as I said at the top. Hope you’ll stay tuned. 

Shaving done right!

To get a really close shave: before you shave do a hot moist towel pack over your face for about 3-5 minutes. If the towels are cooling down before you feel a distinctive tingle in the skin then have an extra hot towel ready. After the tingle starts (feels good doesn't it?) then apply your shaving cream/gel/oil or whatever you use and start shaving. Men's facial gel is meant to keep the pores open and "masculine" which certainly is not the look our ladies are going for. I like Aveno because it keeps the redness down and does not open the pores.


After the shave, use some witch hazel. Yes, there is a very mild sting on the places you have nicked yourself. (don't nick yourself, use a good razor)

5 minutes after you have used the witch hazel you should start to feel some dry tightening in the skin. This is the time to apply your moisturizer. Wait until the drying tightening before moisturizing, as this is your pores all closing up, which is good because you do not want to moisturize with the pores open as this leads to zits and black heads.

If you plan to use make up wait 10 minutes after moisturizing before you put on your face.

If you do all this, you will get the closest shave of your life.



Now let us talk your razor blade...it should be a man’s razor as women’s razors are crap, designed to be only good for a couple of shaves and they dull fast. It should be at least a 3 bladed razor. The Gillette Mach 3 is a good disposable that will last a number of times before you throw it away. The Gillette Fusion and the Shick Hydro are both good razors that will provide many uses before they crap out on you.

Facilitating ~Sevan

Let me first say...that I'm in no way posting this because this is the *only* way to do things. Some of these ideas are just things that are working for me as a facilitator...and I want to shed light on some of the "background" things that are involved for me, as a facilitator.

The first, and I think most important...is to cultivate relationships with the people you facilitate. Get to know what they like, what they're about. The larger the group...the more difficult this really becomes. However...one can always try.

Our local group has a facebook group that's attached, and I always make sure to "friend" everyone that's part of our facebook group so that I can see what they post about, and get to know them better. If I haven't seen them for a while at the meetings; I'll message them on facebook, or email and just check in with them and see how they're doing.

When you know the people in your group that you're facilitating then you know their strengths (or can try to..) and play to those strengths to get them more involved. When they're involved they can feel like they have partial ownership of the group and contribute to the outcome.
Who knows tumblr really well? Who enjoys photography and can create pictures of events? Who's good with Html and can help with any web presence? Who's warm and inviting and can act as greeters at meetings?

One thing that I try to do...and it may seem very small but I think it's important...and that's to show your own humanity. I never pretend to be perfect. I never even try. If I feel like I'm being put up on a pedestal...I try to take that with grace, but remind them all that I'm human. I fail. Plenty. I think that's important because if you're up high on a pedestal...it's a long hard fall when you do fall...and you will...because that's being human!!

Networking is very important. Getting to know other facilitators and leaders of other similar groups in your area is really important. As facilitator of a trans* group we've gotten to know the board of the LGBT center quite well, the board members of OutSpokane (the organization that puts on PRIDE, among other events) etc. We've also created relationships with other trans* groups around our state so that we know how they do things.

I've created a sign in sheet that includes birthdays. I make sure to remember when birthdays are coming up, and bring that to the attention of the group so that we can celebrate, or at least get a card and recognize their important day.

Look forward to events. Make sure to plan ahead with plenty of time. We started planning for our first Pride booth about four months ahead of time. That gave us time to create educational materials, posters, a banner etc without stress. It also gave us ample time to slowly accrue the cash for those things. Transitioning isn't cheap and I never want to add financial stress to group members (if I can help it..)
As not all trans* people are gay/lesbian/bi it's a good idea to look for events that aren't LGBT geared. There's a diversity celebration in Aug locally that we're planning on participating in.
We're also planning to invite other organizations to join with us in creating our own event for Transgender day of Remembrance. Our local community is supportive and accepting and welcoming them to help us create an event gives them the opportunity to show that support in a visible way. I think it will likely go very well. :)

I'm sure I'm missing a number of things but that's a good enough list for now.

Above all...be open, be present and be available to listen and encourage people to share. Giving people a chance to feel really heard is sadly rare...it's a gift.

2012 Rainbow awards ~Sevan

Every year Spokane holds the Rainbow awards. They're given out to an LGBT individual, an ally, a group, and the "over the rainbow award". (which I believe is akin to a life time achievement)

First there was a spaghetti dinner and we had so many people from the group show up that we had to steal seats and place settings from other tables. :) It was so wonderful to eat such a yummy dinner with my trans* family.
We moved from the dinner tables to the seating area to see the presentation of the awards. It came as a total surprise that those who were nominated also got certificates saying so! I was nominated for the individual award and especially after seeing who else was nominated I was so honored to be in such company. Here's me walking up to receive my certificate. I decided to go with a mens dress shirt and nice tie, paired with a long flowing skirt. One of my favorite :)

One of my friends was also nominated and got her certificate. Then it was the ally award. After that was the group award presentation. Once again, those who were nominated were really great groups and organizations that do AMAZING work locally. Hearing who was nominated it just stunned me that our little group won.


I went up and gave a speech telling the audience about our group, our achievements this year and how thankful I was (on behalf of the group) to receive such an honor. When I told the audience about how we'd grown from 3 people to 50 people in a matter of a year they all cheered and applauded! It was wonderful. :)


The "Over the Rainbow" award was handed out, and then they also recognized a wonderful volunteer who's really gone above and beyond the call.
After the awards were handed out, we stood around as a group and talked about how amazing it was to be recognized. I asked everyone what we wanted to do with the award. A few of my friends insisted that the award was for Cyndi and I. They recognized the work we do and that the award was for us. I was so touched!!
One of the women from the audience came up and congratulated us on the award. She also told me that she'd recommended *this* blog to her friend! I'm often amazed who reads this, or visits!!
A little while later I got a chance to chat with one of the LGBT therapists who used to lead a trans* support group. Cyndi and I had visited the group once but didn't really connect with the style. Nice people, just not a setting that suited me. Well as we caught up she told me that she didn't do her group anymore, and had been sending people our way. She also said that in all the time she's been coming to the Rainbow Awards...no trans* person or group had ever been honored. That we were the first. That she was so proud of what we're doing, and she trusts we're doing great. Wow. That was amazing to hear.
We left the awards smiling ear to ear. We took a few of our friends home so they didn't have to ride the bus. Conversation was good and more affirming about the work Cyndi and I do.

I literally fell asleep smiling.

Here's my certificate of recognition.


Here's our certificate of award for the Group. :) They even made sure to include the asterisk! :)


The award itself. So pretty! It's hanging at our house. I'm beyond happy and honored. Yea. Honored. That's the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling.

Cyndi and Sevan on the radio!

An hour video ended up fitting into five videos. Please excuse the crude edit job...I've never made videos before and we all talked so fast in the radio show there was nearly no breaks or pauses that would fit into editing nicely! Anyway. Here's the first video:

The second video:

Third:

Fourth:

And the final video: