Body, Social and Mind dysphoria ~Sevan

Chart by @Cassiebebop

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at a picture and instantly felt sad or dysphoric about how you perceive yourself? If you're trans*, of course you have!

I recently discovered this graphic online, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE! However, I believe that some things can't be so easily categorized, and that makes those things so much more powerful because of the potential for it to have an effect on the physical, social and mental self. For example, if you look in the mirror and are hit with negative feelings about yourself. You're seeing how you look physically, which may not line up with what you'd like to see. You may feel social pressure to present or appear differently and mentally because our minds can warp what we see in the mirror and focus on aspects of ourselves that don't give us the full picture.

To illustrate this point, I think back to early in Cyndi's transition. She would come out of the bedroom in the morning and look forlorn. I would ask her what was wrong and she would express feeling as though she looked very masculine, or as if "she was never going to pass". This very rarely lined up with what I saw in my wife, and it left me unsure which of us wasn't seeing the full truth. I suspect both of us honestly. She was seeing all her traits that she didn't like, and I generally focus on far more positive traits because I love her. My responses rarely helped her to feel less dysphoric though, as her feelings were reflecting her inner beliefs.

I know that I can get this way too. Though for me it's more about pictures than mirrors. (likely because I tend to avoid mirrors, mostly because of their dysphoria risk.) I try very hard to look at a picture of myself without judgement. Depending on the day and my mood at the time, I have varying success at being non-judgmental with myself.

So what can be done about this? How does one deal with this issue? I believe that everyone has their own way, and their own coping mechanisms that work for them. One thing that's worked for me is taking the focus off visual cues and focusing more on other senses. I like the way I smell, so I focus on that. I feel validated when I run my fingers across my facial hair stubble, or through my hair. When I am faced with a picture or myself in the mirror, I try to focus on things I do like so that I'm not focusing on negatives. For me that's my ears, shoulders, smile/lips and freckles.

What do you do when you're faced with dysphoria from the mirror or pictures?

Gendered language ~Sevan

We will get back to our discussion on coming out soon, but I just created this graphic and I wanted to share:

Coming out trans* pt 1. It's personal ~Sevan

This is a tough topic for me to cover because of how vast and individual and unique each person, and each coming out is. It's going to vary depending on what state (with what rights) you're in. How old you when you start coming out you are; will play a role. Plus many other things will come into play when we talk about coming out. 

I think I’ll be splitting this up into a few different entries because otherwise this large topic will be either far too long, or not properly covered. So I want to start first with my personal experience with coming out.

I was asked once which was easier; coming out as lesbian or coming out as trans*. (I've done both, and that had come up in this conversation.) For *me* it was easier coming out as trans*, and while difficult, I feel that there are many things that helped my coming out to be successful when I compare the two experiences. 

When I came out as lesbian I was in church, all my friends, all my music...were church. All my social events were through the church. So when i came out as lesbian (back in 2000) and was given the choice to "apologize to the whole of the church for your sins against the church, and move out of the apartment I lived in with my spouse to save me from "sin" and "temptation. Or, I could leave. I chose to leave. I felt, and still feel; that I had committed no sin. Especially against the church. Once I left, all of my Christian music brought pain of being kicked out of the church. All of my friends who were part of the church immediately stopped being friends with me. All my social events were gone. I was alone. I had not sought LGBT support because I didn't expect to need it...and once I did need it, I didn't know where to turn. 

Shortly after, I lost my job because of the stress of being proselytized at work by my co-workers, being shunned by co-workers. My father once showed up at work screaming at me about my "fruity life". My partner showed up at my work suicidal a few times, and needed me. 

My anxiety was through the roof.

At only 18 years old and in my first apartment; having a strained relationship with my parents, not able to see my sisters, friendless and jobless...yea; that was REALLY tough. 

After coming out lesbian to my parents our relationship was severed. For many years after  I had no contact with them. Almost never saw them. We patched things up after I left my partner of three years but under the patches were some scars left behind. I have had a very difficult time being open about most personal issues and pieces of my life.

When I came out as trans* I chose carefully who I would tell. How I would tell them. I had the support of my local LGBT center, and trans* support group. I had online support and read how others had come out, what had worked, what hadn't. 

As 28 I had a much better idea of how people might possibly respond. I knew myself much better; I knew what I needed in order to give voice to what was going on in my life. Has it gone well? Not really. My parents haven’t accepted my gender variance and don’t recognize my new name. I didn’t have that many friends, but those that I did have I was very very close and honest with, and it was easy to tell them. Luckily for me, they took it in stride and it wasn’t that big of a deal.

With my parents I sent them an email. That may not work for everyone, but I was fearful that if I tried to tell them over the phone, or in person, that I would stutter, or stumble over my words, or not say the hard things and not tell my full truth. Writing an email allowed me to do all that. I was able to save it, edit it, think about it, re-word things and include links that might help them to understand from sources outside myself.

When a person comes out (as anything, trans*, lesbian, bi, or gay) they often are exposing something they’ve kept secret. Something so integral about themselves, something they’ve buried and hidden; sometimes for many many years. To expose that piece of themselves, to bring it into the light when it has been buried for so long is to show you – the person we’re coming out to; a core part of ourselves that has no protection around it anymore. We had to tear that protection away in order to bring it to light. It’s altogether freeing, scary, amazing, and terrifying.

At the start of coming out, this piece of ourselves (at least, for me it was this way) it was as a new born baby. It is naked, exposed, and without much defense. Something that is so important, but has remained a carefully kept secret.

When someone close to me rejects this about me, they have struck out at that new born baby who is lacking any defense. That hurts in a huge way.

In the next few blog entries Cyndi and I will be talking more about coming out. More personal stories, more information for the trans* person who wishes to come out, and some information for those who might have someone come out to them. How to behave in that moment, what things you might consider saying, and how to follow up with that. This is a huge topic as I said at the top. Hope you’ll stay tuned. 

Pronouns (yes...again.) ~Sevan

Let me first say....that yes, even *I* have gotten rather tired of thinking about/talking about pronouns. However...the more I express myself, the more I speak about transgender issues and genderqueer life...the more people have started to ask me "so then...what pronouns do you use?"

And I've been grateful, happy, thankful, and frustrated all simultaneously. Grateful, happy and thankful because "wow! You're asking me, and that's so respectful and awesome that you thought to ask!" and frustrated because..."Wow...I don't like the words I've got available to me."

So humor me, if you might...and let's walk through my process and it's gone thus far.

My line of thinking started with "Well, men and woman don't get to decide; Hey! I hate the pronoun he or she! I refuse to use those!!" That's never happened. (I don't think...maybe it has. That'd be interesting..) and as such, I decided that maybe ze/hir just felt weird because it was new, and that maybe instead of reinventing the wheel...I'd just stick it out, and surely I'd get used to their use and all would be well!

Yea...hasn't happened. In fact, I've grown increasingly unhappy with them. Particularly hir. I hate that every time I say "hir" I feel the need to follow that with "and it's spelled h-i-r." or if I write it down, I feel the need to follow it with "and it's pronounced hear".

I don't like the way it feels in my mouth. I don't like the way it feels in my ears. I thought I'd like it. I thought I'd come around with use and normalcy. I've not. Ze is ok...I don't struggle with that, though it's odd to me as infrequently as we use the letter "z" in words...it almost feels like "Z's a weird letter that we never use...let's assign it to those weird people over there! How fitting"

And yea...likely that's just my mind. But that's what we're talking about right now isn't it? *My mind*, my process.

A non-binary acquaintance of mine has created the pronoun set "jhe/jher" but to my mind it sound...french. Or...something. I know it doesn't sound like it fits in English. I don't begrudge jher, and have no problem using jher set in reference to jher. I just don't like it for me. (though I would very much prefer ONE set that is for everyone...I have very little hope that's likely to actually happen...too many "hands in the pot"...as it were.)

In addition to this thinking process, and dislike of the words I've chosen to go with thus far...I'm rather unhappy to go back to all those people who have asked me what pronouns to use, and have done their best to use them, to please...switch.

That's what needs done though. That's what exploration is all about, isn't it? Going down a path to try it on, see if it fits, finding it doesn't, and trying something else.

So what do I propose instead? Why, I'm so glad you asked!

He	She	Ze/Ne
Him	Her	Per
His	Hers	Pers

As I said, to some extent; Ze doesn't bother me. The "Per/Pers" set does have "phe" that goes with it in place of He/She, but I can't really work with that so much. There was a time that I went by Phoenix, and Phe was the short "nickname" for that...and so in my mind it just hearkens back to that, rather than being a proper pronoun.

Ne is a set I just recently came across and it fits nicely and easily into English, plus it doesn't have words that sound like it already in existence, (such as hir, hear, here) however oddly...when I read it: ne went to the store. My mind tries to make an "h" out of that "n". The mind is a tricky thing!! Also I'm a geek and I keep hearing in my mind "We are the knights that say NEIH!" Yea yea...I know. I've warned you, my mind is strange! Strange I tell you!! *hem*

Per/Pers has it's base in Person. Which I love! I'm always saying that I'd like to be seen as a person, rather than a gender...and bottom line, this set fits perfectly into that ideal. That base structure of the word also puzzles me as to where "Phe" then comes in...that has no base in Person. Hmmm. Then again...who wants to be refered to as Pe....No I. 

So..to those who have walked with me, and used Ze/Hir in reference to me...thank you so much for that!! If you would work with me as I experiment, and walk down this new path that's barely worn, where few have walked before; I thank you for your understanding, and respect as I find what works best.

Gender expression examined ~Sevan

We've talked about many things about gender here on our blog. I think it's widely understood and accepted that gender identity center's in your brain. (as seen in the genderbread person)

Property of www.itspronouncedmetrosexual.com 

What I don't see discussed much is gender expression. In the picture it shows expression as being what's on the outside; clothes, piercings or no, make up or no, etc.

I've been thinking about expression alot lately and rolling it over in my mind. It's a tougher thing to tackle I think. In part because the way we express ourselves, how we present ourselves isn't just about gender. It's about you like clothes to fit. What types of materials you like, what colors you like, how modest you are, or aren't.
There are many things that go into how we express ourselves.
Not just gender. 

I have heard or seen folks judge trans* people based on the way they dress or look and deem them "not trans* enough" but that's wholly unfair. A. There's no such thing as "trans* enough" and B. How can you judge someone's innate sense of gender by the way they express themselves? Expression is rarely a full complete picture of a person! Ever heard "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? 

Let's step entirely outside of trans* people for a moment and look at the broad spectrum that is gender in general. 

Everything from women who enjoy skirts, dresses, make up and all things "girly" expression; to women who prefer men's clothing and more masculine pursuits. Then of course, everyone between those two points, and the many who like all of these things depending on mood and day. 

A "butch woman" is no more trans-man than a trans-man is a butch woman. Her butch expression has nothing to do with her gender, and everything to do with other parts of herself. I can't attempt to describe what this would be...as I'm not her, and I'm not trying to paint anyone's identities. (which is pretty hard to do, and still use examples!) 

If we look at the broad spectrum of men's expression; from muscular "jock" expression, to t-shirt and jeans, white collar/suit expression, and drag queens. All of these men identify as *men* in their gender. I have heard a number of drag queens bristle and become upset that it's assumed that they are or, want to be women. 

So if we turn back to trans* people and the vast vast identities and expressions of those identities...any, and all expressions that you might see in cis-gendered people; you would also see in trans* people. 

Let me paint a picture for you. A trans* woman, who is also butch. I've met such people. I've also heard it said of such a person that "what's the point of transitioning?" This is an old way of thinking! The point of transitioning...is that in this person's mind, soul and heart of hearts...she's a woman. The expression...is secondary. We don't transition for presentation or clothes!! 

I have seen trans* men who enjoy being drag queens after they've transitioned. 

Expression is also not just a way of expressing gender. Many express their religion through their clothes and jewelry or tattoos. Many people use their clothes and other expression to represent their tastes in music, political affiliations, causes that are important, veganism. The list goes on and on. Many androgyn/non-binary/genderqueer identified people don't always enjoy the androgynous style of dress. I know I don't care for it. 

I'm not sure I can properly explain all of the layers that go into an individuals expression. Their gender is only a fraction of what you're seeing when you look at any person. While gender and transition is pretty important to most trans* people I know, it's still not the whole of them. They are more than the sum of their parts. Just as any other person would be. 

I've heard Cyndi say that even though she loves skirts, and prefers them, but worries how her expression of self will be received. I know I've worried more than once about how I'll be viewed. Especially when I dress up in a skirt along with a men's button up shirt and tie. 

It's really difficult sometimes to allow yourself to bring your expression in alignment with your gender identity, when those identities and expression doesn't match with social expectation. It's a tight rope walk sometimes.
I used WeeMee app to create my male and female expression...as an example of how I can vary from day to day. (though obviously...regardless of my expression, my favorite color is still blue. lol)