Choosing testosterone ~Sevan

The bigender girl by Anibunny

This post comes with all the normal warnings about this being my experience and only my experience and of course, I don't speak for anyone but myself.

In today's episode, I attempt to explain what motivated me to start HRT testosterone. We'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense to anyone but me.

Around October of 2009 I discovered the language surrounding non-binary identities. Before that, I didn't even know that anything outside of male/female binary existed at all. Cyndi had come out just a month before as trans feminine and I was looking for spouse support online. What I found instead was a section for "androgynes". That was such a HUGE "ah-ha moment" for me. Then came the few months of trying to figure out what to do with that information. I struggled with concerns about being accepted, being seen as a "freak" should I choose any transition action.

I was (and still am) adamant that I am not male and had huge concerns about being perceived male. Due to that, I was quite sure that testosterone wasn't going to be for me. I looked for transitional paths to follow, what worked for other genderqueer/non-binary people but struggled to find much information at all. I didn't know what I needed, but I was pretty sure that what I was doing wasn't working. I had a very hour glass shape and large breasts and ass. These features made it near impossible to dress androgynously. I also didn't like many of the styles that were considered androgynous. It just wasn't me. I like skirts and tshirts, and I'm still genderqueer when dressing that way. I tried to bind but found it extremely uncomfortable and unsuccessful. Binding seemed to make me more aware of my chest, not less. As a result, I rarely if ever wore a binder.

I planned to have a breast reduction and knew that it was gender based for me. I thought I'd be able to bind more once I had a smaller chest, which may well have been true but I found I just didn't need to bind. I was ok with my breasts after surgery. (That was a whole process, it wasn't just waking up from anesthesia and being ok. But I don't want to get into that tangent.)

My main support network was a group of transsexual women online. There was a great deal of talk about hormones and how people felt on them. The great sense of peace they experienced sounded wonderful. I started to think that maybe testosterone might be what I needed in order to find that mental peace. My mental state was unraveling from dysphoria. Knowing what was wrong, but not being able to do anything about it was a pain that was terrible. I looked everywhere for information about what testosterone might do. I found a few genderqueer people who had gone on T for short time and had success with it to get a more masculine appearance, but that wasn't what I wanted or needed. My search was wholly mental. I didn't hear anyone talk about that aspect of their transition with T.

Prior to Cyndi starting to transition medically she was prescribed T. The doctors said she had low T (go figure...) and could do well and have more energy on testosterone. She had some left over when she went off T and started estrogen therapy. It was so tempting, just sitting there on the shelf.

Finally, one day in early February I'd had enough. I was forming suicide plans and they made too much sense. Testosterone, with potential side effects were far better than suicide. I went and got the gel and started T. I thought perhaps it would prove silly, and not be worth it. All that hype, surly for nothing.

I looked through my journal and found this quote from when I first started T:

"Finally got dress and out the door headed for work. In the car I felt....almost hyper. Actually rather happy. I'm rarely happy on my way to work. Time to think means time to be depressed. But today I just bounced down the road singing along with my Ipod....having a very peppy drive. Huh.

Does this mean I'm a confirmed FtM now? I don't think so. Still me. Same person I was yesterday. Though it does seem that my body responds well to testosterone. So far. And that's all that means."

I had convinced myself that with a low dose of T I wouldn't see any physical changes, but would only experience the mental peace that I needed. That, was not true at all! I absolutely experienced physical changes. My voice lowered quickly, my emotions shifted, my dysphoria lessened significantly. My face structure shifted in ways I can't really express.

Here is a link to an article that does a wonderful job of talking about low dose T in more general ways: Click here to see Neutrois Nonsense

Gendered language ~Sevan

We will get back to our discussion on coming out soon, but I just created this graphic and I wanted to share:

Coming out trans* pt 1. It's personal ~Sevan

This is a tough topic for me to cover because of how vast and individual and unique each person, and each coming out is. It's going to vary depending on what state (with what rights) you're in. How old you when you start coming out you are; will play a role. Plus many other things will come into play when we talk about coming out. 

I think I’ll be splitting this up into a few different entries because otherwise this large topic will be either far too long, or not properly covered. So I want to start first with my personal experience with coming out.

I was asked once which was easier; coming out as lesbian or coming out as trans*. (I've done both, and that had come up in this conversation.) For *me* it was easier coming out as trans*, and while difficult, I feel that there are many things that helped my coming out to be successful when I compare the two experiences. 

When I came out as lesbian I was in church, all my friends, all my music...were church. All my social events were through the church. So when i came out as lesbian (back in 2000) and was given the choice to "apologize to the whole of the church for your sins against the church, and move out of the apartment I lived in with my spouse to save me from "sin" and "temptation. Or, I could leave. I chose to leave. I felt, and still feel; that I had committed no sin. Especially against the church. Once I left, all of my Christian music brought pain of being kicked out of the church. All of my friends who were part of the church immediately stopped being friends with me. All my social events were gone. I was alone. I had not sought LGBT support because I didn't expect to need it...and once I did need it, I didn't know where to turn. 

Shortly after, I lost my job because of the stress of being proselytized at work by my co-workers, being shunned by co-workers. My father once showed up at work screaming at me about my "fruity life". My partner showed up at my work suicidal a few times, and needed me. 

My anxiety was through the roof.

At only 18 years old and in my first apartment; having a strained relationship with my parents, not able to see my sisters, friendless and jobless...yea; that was REALLY tough. 

After coming out lesbian to my parents our relationship was severed. For many years after  I had no contact with them. Almost never saw them. We patched things up after I left my partner of three years but under the patches were some scars left behind. I have had a very difficult time being open about most personal issues and pieces of my life.

When I came out as trans* I chose carefully who I would tell. How I would tell them. I had the support of my local LGBT center, and trans* support group. I had online support and read how others had come out, what had worked, what hadn't. 

As 28 I had a much better idea of how people might possibly respond. I knew myself much better; I knew what I needed in order to give voice to what was going on in my life. Has it gone well? Not really. My parents haven’t accepted my gender variance and don’t recognize my new name. I didn’t have that many friends, but those that I did have I was very very close and honest with, and it was easy to tell them. Luckily for me, they took it in stride and it wasn’t that big of a deal.

With my parents I sent them an email. That may not work for everyone, but I was fearful that if I tried to tell them over the phone, or in person, that I would stutter, or stumble over my words, or not say the hard things and not tell my full truth. Writing an email allowed me to do all that. I was able to save it, edit it, think about it, re-word things and include links that might help them to understand from sources outside myself.

When a person comes out (as anything, trans*, lesbian, bi, or gay) they often are exposing something they’ve kept secret. Something so integral about themselves, something they’ve buried and hidden; sometimes for many many years. To expose that piece of themselves, to bring it into the light when it has been buried for so long is to show you – the person we’re coming out to; a core part of ourselves that has no protection around it anymore. We had to tear that protection away in order to bring it to light. It’s altogether freeing, scary, amazing, and terrifying.

At the start of coming out, this piece of ourselves (at least, for me it was this way) it was as a new born baby. It is naked, exposed, and without much defense. Something that is so important, but has remained a carefully kept secret.

When someone close to me rejects this about me, they have struck out at that new born baby who is lacking any defense. That hurts in a huge way.

In the next few blog entries Cyndi and I will be talking more about coming out. More personal stories, more information for the trans* person who wishes to come out, and some information for those who might have someone come out to them. How to behave in that moment, what things you might consider saying, and how to follow up with that. This is a huge topic as I said at the top. Hope you’ll stay tuned. 

Gender expression examined ~Sevan

We've talked about many things about gender here on our blog. I think it's widely understood and accepted that gender identity center's in your brain. (as seen in the genderbread person)

Property of www.itspronouncedmetrosexual.com 

What I don't see discussed much is gender expression. In the picture it shows expression as being what's on the outside; clothes, piercings or no, make up or no, etc.

I've been thinking about expression alot lately and rolling it over in my mind. It's a tougher thing to tackle I think. In part because the way we express ourselves, how we present ourselves isn't just about gender. It's about you like clothes to fit. What types of materials you like, what colors you like, how modest you are, or aren't.
There are many things that go into how we express ourselves.
Not just gender. 

I have heard or seen folks judge trans* people based on the way they dress or look and deem them "not trans* enough" but that's wholly unfair. A. There's no such thing as "trans* enough" and B. How can you judge someone's innate sense of gender by the way they express themselves? Expression is rarely a full complete picture of a person! Ever heard "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? 

Let's step entirely outside of trans* people for a moment and look at the broad spectrum that is gender in general. 

Everything from women who enjoy skirts, dresses, make up and all things "girly" expression; to women who prefer men's clothing and more masculine pursuits. Then of course, everyone between those two points, and the many who like all of these things depending on mood and day. 

A "butch woman" is no more trans-man than a trans-man is a butch woman. Her butch expression has nothing to do with her gender, and everything to do with other parts of herself. I can't attempt to describe what this would be...as I'm not her, and I'm not trying to paint anyone's identities. (which is pretty hard to do, and still use examples!) 

If we look at the broad spectrum of men's expression; from muscular "jock" expression, to t-shirt and jeans, white collar/suit expression, and drag queens. All of these men identify as *men* in their gender. I have heard a number of drag queens bristle and become upset that it's assumed that they are or, want to be women. 

So if we turn back to trans* people and the vast vast identities and expressions of those identities...any, and all expressions that you might see in cis-gendered people; you would also see in trans* people. 

Let me paint a picture for you. A trans* woman, who is also butch. I've met such people. I've also heard it said of such a person that "what's the point of transitioning?" This is an old way of thinking! The point of transitioning...is that in this person's mind, soul and heart of hearts...she's a woman. The expression...is secondary. We don't transition for presentation or clothes!! 

I have seen trans* men who enjoy being drag queens after they've transitioned. 

Expression is also not just a way of expressing gender. Many express their religion through their clothes and jewelry or tattoos. Many people use their clothes and other expression to represent their tastes in music, political affiliations, causes that are important, veganism. The list goes on and on. Many androgyn/non-binary/genderqueer identified people don't always enjoy the androgynous style of dress. I know I don't care for it. 

I'm not sure I can properly explain all of the layers that go into an individuals expression. Their gender is only a fraction of what you're seeing when you look at any person. While gender and transition is pretty important to most trans* people I know, it's still not the whole of them. They are more than the sum of their parts. Just as any other person would be. 

I've heard Cyndi say that even though she loves skirts, and prefers them, but worries how her expression of self will be received. I know I've worried more than once about how I'll be viewed. Especially when I dress up in a skirt along with a men's button up shirt and tie. 

It's really difficult sometimes to allow yourself to bring your expression in alignment with your gender identity, when those identities and expression doesn't match with social expectation. It's a tight rope walk sometimes.
I used WeeMee app to create my male and female expression...as an example of how I can vary from day to day. (though obviously...regardless of my expression, my favorite color is still blue. lol) 

Gender Dysphoria ~Sevan

To my trans* readers...I'm sure you know exactly what Gender dyphoria is about, and you don't need me to tell you. However..in light of the new changes to the DSM 5 that is switching from "Gender identity disorder" to "Gender dysphoria" many people outside of the trans* community are starting to talk about it, think about it and come to me and my community; to ask about it.

That made me realize that while I go and do speaking engagements and tell people about being trans*; I never bring up dysphoria. In my attempts to normalize and express myself, I leave out the pain my gender incongruity brings me.

So...let's attempt to bring light to it. Shall we?

First...let's define gender:

• One's sense of self as masculine or feminine regardless of external genitalia. Gender is often conflated with sex. This is inaccurate because sex refers to bodies and gender refers to personality characteristics.
• A socially constructed system of classification that ascribes qualities of masculinity and femininity to people. Gender characteristics can change over time and are different between cultures. Words that refer to gender include: man, woman, transgender, masculine, feminine, and gender queer.

(as always with definitions...you are free to agree with these as stated, or disagree. This is my best attempt to define that which is pretty darn tough to define!) 

It's my feeling that dysphoria stems from being incongruent in both or either/or. So I'm going to attempt to tackle the first one. 

Gender dysphoria; simply put is the pain and discomfort/depression that comes from your body(sex) looking/feeling different than your brain (gender) tells you it should look/feel. For example many trans* people experience a "phantom" outline of their body as it "should" be. Cyndi (prior to breast augmentation) used to have phantom sensation of where her breasts should be. I have had phantom sensations in my genitals that don't match up with what's actually there. It's alarming, it's disarming and it's a reminder of what's not right...often in moments when you're not otherwise thinking about your gender. 

There is an inner sense of "wrong". I don't know that I can even fully express what goes on inside my mind and body when I'm in the worst of gender dysphoria. It comes and goes in waves. Often I don't see it coming. It sneaks up on me and pounces as if I am but a field mouse to be consumed. 

Thankfully transition and hormones have helped me escape the worst of my personal dysphoria, but this isn't enough for all people. Everyone is different, and experiences this pain differently. There are triggers, and they're like landmines that are nearly inescapable. If you are friends, or someone who's interacting with a trans* person, please don't blame yourself should you trigger a trans* person's dysphoria. Unless you knowingly did so, this isn't your fault. 

So if we take the knowledge of internal dysphoria; the incongruousness between mind and body and then layer on top of that the social constructs and ideas about gender/sex/stereotypes. 

Gender/sex is the base of the pyramid that informs almost all other things. What colors you "should" wear or like. What pronouns we use when referring to you. What familial terms we should use. (mom/dad, sister/brother, girlfriend/boyfriend etc) What bathroom you use. What toys you (as a child) are "allowed" to play with. Even our sexuality (terms) are informed by our gender/sex. A person who is "gay" is usually a man who likes other men. "Straight" is gender neutral enough, but pretty much all other terms are based on who you are first, then followed by who you like. There's a changing tide in those terms, which is fantastic...but they're not broadly used quite yet. (Gynophilic-someone who likes women, Androphilic- someone who likes men, Pansexual- someone who likes people regardless of gender. Etc) 

As a trans* person who goes through simple daily tasks gender comes into play. Going to the store and interacting with people; they will gender you. Often for a trans* person, the assumptions strangers make can be hurtful. Especially when piled on top of many other such mistakes through out one single day. It adds up. Then day after day...it adds up. It's small stabs in already delicate, raw skin. 

When a person takes the steps to correct the incongruencies, and tries really hard to change their body and transition...at first they likely will not pass. The public doesn't see, nor understand just how HARD many try. How many hoops we must jump through. When society shames trans* people, or continues to gender us incorrectly...on top of trying SO HARD...that really hurts. I can think of a day early on in transition where I scrutinized myself up and down. Hat, face, binder, shirt, pants, shoe choices, movements, walking style, speech patterns....feeling finally confident that I'd pass, that I could do it...and not a single person I interacted with that day saw me as male. Not. One. That hurt. That just added up into my pile of past pain. As a non-binary person who doesn't really lean all that male...that was painful, but not such a big deal. Ok, if I'm not going to pass male...I'm just not going to go into public as male. Simple (for me) but for those who ARE binary, and try their hardest to pass, to be included as the gender group they are, to be gendered correctly...when that doesn't happen they don't have the choice to just not present that way anymore. That's WHO they are! 

I think some of the worst pain is when you have internal doubts, fears and pains be "confirmed" by outside sources. This is the point at which internal gender incongruence meets up with societal and outside incongruence. When someone "confirms" your fears about yourself...it's sometimes very tough to recover that wound. 

Just the writing of this blog post dug into some of my old wounds and has left me a little raw. Though even in spite of that, I do hope that it brings some understanding of what dysphoria is about and maybe how we can all be a bit more sensitive, because we never know where someone is at in their internal process. 

2012 Rainbow awards ~Sevan

Every year Spokane holds the Rainbow awards. They're given out to an LGBT individual, an ally, a group, and the "over the rainbow award". (which I believe is akin to a life time achievement)

First there was a spaghetti dinner and we had so many people from the group show up that we had to steal seats and place settings from other tables. :) It was so wonderful to eat such a yummy dinner with my trans* family.
We moved from the dinner tables to the seating area to see the presentation of the awards. It came as a total surprise that those who were nominated also got certificates saying so! I was nominated for the individual award and especially after seeing who else was nominated I was so honored to be in such company. Here's me walking up to receive my certificate. I decided to go with a mens dress shirt and nice tie, paired with a long flowing skirt. One of my favorite :)

One of my friends was also nominated and got her certificate. Then it was the ally award. After that was the group award presentation. Once again, those who were nominated were really great groups and organizations that do AMAZING work locally. Hearing who was nominated it just stunned me that our little group won.


I went up and gave a speech telling the audience about our group, our achievements this year and how thankful I was (on behalf of the group) to receive such an honor. When I told the audience about how we'd grown from 3 people to 50 people in a matter of a year they all cheered and applauded! It was wonderful. :)


The "Over the Rainbow" award was handed out, and then they also recognized a wonderful volunteer who's really gone above and beyond the call.
After the awards were handed out, we stood around as a group and talked about how amazing it was to be recognized. I asked everyone what we wanted to do with the award. A few of my friends insisted that the award was for Cyndi and I. They recognized the work we do and that the award was for us. I was so touched!!
One of the women from the audience came up and congratulated us on the award. She also told me that she'd recommended *this* blog to her friend! I'm often amazed who reads this, or visits!!
A little while later I got a chance to chat with one of the LGBT therapists who used to lead a trans* support group. Cyndi and I had visited the group once but didn't really connect with the style. Nice people, just not a setting that suited me. Well as we caught up she told me that she didn't do her group anymore, and had been sending people our way. She also said that in all the time she's been coming to the Rainbow Awards...no trans* person or group had ever been honored. That we were the first. That she was so proud of what we're doing, and she trusts we're doing great. Wow. That was amazing to hear.
We left the awards smiling ear to ear. We took a few of our friends home so they didn't have to ride the bus. Conversation was good and more affirming about the work Cyndi and I do.

I literally fell asleep smiling.

Here's my certificate of recognition.


Here's our certificate of award for the Group. :) They even made sure to include the asterisk! :)


The award itself. So pretty! It's hanging at our house. I'm beyond happy and honored. Yea. Honored. That's the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling.

Gender Therapists

A good gender therapist will not put you through an inquisition to prove your gender to them. They will be helpful and knowledgeable about Trans issues and be able to provide referrals to services that will help you transition. They will screen you for co morbid psychiatric issues and determine that you demonstrate that you have a firm knowledge of the risks that come with transition.


If you get a gender therapist that tries to critique your wardrobe or deportment, or criticize you for not conforming to all their preconceived notions of femininity, fire that person and find a new therapist.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Pronouns...revisited

I know we've talked about pronouns before on this blog in the context of MtF. It gets a little messier when we start talking about androgyn's. Everything is gendered. All the time we refer to people by their gender. So much so that it's second nature.

In addition to being able to choose a new name for myself, I've also started to express myself in gender neutral terms. Most gender neutral pronouns are unknown by most people. However there is a great many to choose from! See here:



Chart taken from the Gender-neutral pronoun wikipedia. Great page. See full page here

As you can see, there's alot to choose from! For me...it's more about ease and comfort of the person speaking. If someone is talking to me and they're tripping all over pronouns and stuttering and correcting themselves to the point that we can't function in conversation...well...in my eyes...that's a fail. I'd rather you just call me "she" at that point because that's got the air of comfort for the speaker!

Of course this is all deeply personal. I know a number of people who feel very strongly about their need to be identified with the gender neutral pronoun set of their choosing. Pronouns are a huge trigger of pain for a number of people. I suppose I'm lucky that it's not THAT big of a deal for me verses other things. However when I'm out with my wife and we get the "hi ladies!" I do bristle some.

So what do *I* like? What would *I* prefer? Above all, I prefer to be a person. Not a lady, or guy, or woman or man...just a person. I can even be a "silly person" or what have you!

To my sisters I am their sibling. (or at least would like to be identified as such) My main nickname among my immediate family is "sis" (creative...I know.) and it's a small dagger to me every time it's used.

In the land of type I really like "s/he". However it doesn't translate well into speaking so that doesn't really work. I like "e" because it's already part of existing pronouns (She or he) so it flows in language easily I think. In the same way I use "hir".

The problem with pronouns is that...I never really use them myself! I can't model that to other people because I never refer to myself as "s/he". Of course not!

One hang up that has happened recently is the matter of "aunt". I don't have any children of my own, so we didn't have to come up with any new "mama/dada" lingo (though I put them together to create Mada and I love it...) however i do have one nephew and two nieces. They all call me "aunt [birth name]". So it's part title, and part...my name! It's who I am to them. That's a big deal. I was discussing the matter with my SIL recently and we didn't come to any solid options that felt like it REALLY fit. Aunt and uncle don't combine very easily to make a new word.

A friend suggested "andi" as a short/cute version of androgyn with the bonus of sounding like auntie. I like that. I think it's cute.

Whether intended or not, the pronoun set that you use toward someone shows who you think they are; how you view them. If I'm in the store, and I see a stranger from behind and refer to that person as a woman...but that person is actually a man; that man is libel to be upset with me! Because he's a man and wants to be addressed and seen as such! I completely understand.

My identity as an androgyn is just as valid and real as anyone else's identity as man or woman (this includes MtFs and FtMs as they still fit within the binary)

There is a learning curve, and I definitely understand that. When Cyndi started transition and I had to switch to the female set of pronouns when referring to her, that took time and practice. I do alot of journaling, so writing correct pronouns where I could easily edit myself if I messed up set it in my mind quickly and transferred to my speech patterns relatively quickly. I also made sure to correct myself mentally in any of my self talk. What we think...we may eventuall say. It takes practice, patience and understanding.

A transsexuals request to the cisgendered.

Hello,

My name is Cyndi, short for Cynthia. I was born in 1968 and was proclaimed a boy by the obvious male genitalia I had. However looks can be deceiving.

I will spare the lengthy story of how I came to ‘know’. That is a rather long story that truly sounds like a carbon copy of other transwomen who transition late in life. If you are not aware of trans issues trust me on this one. Most late in life transitioners have an almost identical life story. Maybe another time.

Today I want to inform the world that it is not ok to alienate of victimize one of your loved ones for being gender variant. Nothing another person does as a gender expression can justify abuse. Gender variant people are hard wired to be gender variant. This fact has been accepted since the days of Harry Benjamin by most members of the medical establishment. Yet even in light of the overwhelming scientific evidence that gender variant people are made that way in the womb, some people find it perfectly acceptable to abuse others for just being natural.

Imagine if you were constantly ridiculed and heckled for being your birth sex. That no matter what you did people were always getting on your case for being what you were born as.

That is what its like to be anything other than a ‘normal’ gender. We can not help the way we feel. We do not invent our issues. We are born with them. You can not yell us normal. You can’t force us to conform with shame or religion. Because we know that this is what god wants us to be. Just as I am sure that god doesn’t want you to be gender variant. We all have a unique path that we must follow.

So the next time you see a man in a dress or a woman with muscles and a beard don’t point it out and make a fuss. Just let us go in peace. We haven't brought harm to you and we would just like to live in peace without being ridiculed for being the person we are born to be. You wouldn’t tease someone who had a ‘normal’ birth defect.