Choosing testosterone ~Sevan

The bigender girl by Anibunny

This post comes with all the normal warnings about this being my experience and only my experience and of course, I don't speak for anyone but myself.

In today's episode, I attempt to explain what motivated me to start HRT testosterone. We'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense to anyone but me.

Around October of 2009 I discovered the language surrounding non-binary identities. Before that, I didn't even know that anything outside of male/female binary existed at all. Cyndi had come out just a month before as trans feminine and I was looking for spouse support online. What I found instead was a section for "androgynes". That was such a HUGE "ah-ha moment" for me. Then came the few months of trying to figure out what to do with that information. I struggled with concerns about being accepted, being seen as a "freak" should I choose any transition action.

I was (and still am) adamant that I am not male and had huge concerns about being perceived male. Due to that, I was quite sure that testosterone wasn't going to be for me. I looked for transitional paths to follow, what worked for other genderqueer/non-binary people but struggled to find much information at all. I didn't know what I needed, but I was pretty sure that what I was doing wasn't working. I had a very hour glass shape and large breasts and ass. These features made it near impossible to dress androgynously. I also didn't like many of the styles that were considered androgynous. It just wasn't me. I like skirts and tshirts, and I'm still genderqueer when dressing that way. I tried to bind but found it extremely uncomfortable and unsuccessful. Binding seemed to make me more aware of my chest, not less. As a result, I rarely if ever wore a binder.

I planned to have a breast reduction and knew that it was gender based for me. I thought I'd be able to bind more once I had a smaller chest, which may well have been true but I found I just didn't need to bind. I was ok with my breasts after surgery. (That was a whole process, it wasn't just waking up from anesthesia and being ok. But I don't want to get into that tangent.)

My main support network was a group of transsexual women online. There was a great deal of talk about hormones and how people felt on them. The great sense of peace they experienced sounded wonderful. I started to think that maybe testosterone might be what I needed in order to find that mental peace. My mental state was unraveling from dysphoria. Knowing what was wrong, but not being able to do anything about it was a pain that was terrible. I looked everywhere for information about what testosterone might do. I found a few genderqueer people who had gone on T for short time and had success with it to get a more masculine appearance, but that wasn't what I wanted or needed. My search was wholly mental. I didn't hear anyone talk about that aspect of their transition with T.

Prior to Cyndi starting to transition medically she was prescribed T. The doctors said she had low T (go figure...) and could do well and have more energy on testosterone. She had some left over when she went off T and started estrogen therapy. It was so tempting, just sitting there on the shelf.

Finally, one day in early February I'd had enough. I was forming suicide plans and they made too much sense. Testosterone, with potential side effects were far better than suicide. I went and got the gel and started T. I thought perhaps it would prove silly, and not be worth it. All that hype, surly for nothing.

I looked through my journal and found this quote from when I first started T:

"Finally got dress and out the door headed for work. In the car I felt....almost hyper. Actually rather happy. I'm rarely happy on my way to work. Time to think means time to be depressed. But today I just bounced down the road singing along with my Ipod....having a very peppy drive. Huh.

Does this mean I'm a confirmed FtM now? I don't think so. Still me. Same person I was yesterday. Though it does seem that my body responds well to testosterone. So far. And that's all that means."

I had convinced myself that with a low dose of T I wouldn't see any physical changes, but would only experience the mental peace that I needed. That, was not true at all! I absolutely experienced physical changes. My voice lowered quickly, my emotions shifted, my dysphoria lessened significantly. My face structure shifted in ways I can't really express.

Here is a link to an article that does a wonderful job of talking about low dose T in more general ways: Click here to see Neutrois Nonsense

Gender variant acceptance ~Sevan

As an androgyn/gender variant/non-binary type person; I’m used to having people “not believe” in my identity. What I am often shocked by, is when I hear people’s identity come into question even in trans* spaces. I’m shocked to hear someone else; who has been fighting for recognition of their own identity turn around and do the same thing to someone else.

I thought that gender identity was in our minds? That’s what I teach at my presentations and that’s what I talk about here.

I have had people tell me that they accept gender variant identities…but clearly I’m male, and should come out as such. I've had people tell me that they accept my gender variant identity….but that other person over there…not so much.

I think the whole thing comes down to perception, and expression.

I can’t speak for other gender variant folks (though I’d REALLY love to hear from them on this topic!!!) but for me; expression of my gender is a funny thing. It’s HARD! It takes far too much work and forethought. Since there is no “gender variant” section in the clothing store…I have to make it up as I go along. I can’t ever take for granted that my presentation and my intention will be read correctly or as I meant for it to come across.

If I dress in men’s clothes without binding, it doesn't usually read as “gender variant” it reads as “dyke”. If I dress in men’s clothes and bind…I may be read as cis-male. (this never ever happens. I usually still get read as “dyke” but it’s within the realm of possibility…)

If I dress in woman’s clothes then I’m read as cis-female. (even though such attire is sometimes just as uncomfortable and unfitting of my gender identity as male clothes)

You see!? I can’t win!!! How can I possibly dress in a way that would express to you, the general public…that I’m androgyn? When I dress in skirts and men’s shirts with a nice tie I’m viewed as just…somewhat strange. It still doesn't read as what I’m going for.

As such… I've given up trying to be “read correctly” because this identity…it isn't about you. It’s all about me. Being comfortable with myself, being my best self, being comfortable in MY skin.

On the flip side of that…personally I don’t want to be a “gender warrior” every. Single. Day. Of my life. It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. I can’t do it. I just can’t. I commend those who are able, those amazing people. So you may come across me on a day where I’m wearing one of my other passions on my sleeve. Love, Equality, Bi rights, HIV advocacy…when my gender is on the front; I often can’t talk about anything else. Just like the rest of you; I AM more than my gender.

Sometimes going out to a restaurant or new space with new people I’m not familiar with; I dress “female” because I may not want to come out via my dress and attire. It might not be safe, it might not be appropriate. (ie: Work. Mainly.) Most often; it’s not understood without me explaining.

I have searched myself, gone through hours and hours of therapy, I have TRIED to fit within the binary. Don’t you think it would be easier for me to do so? I sure do!! I've tried. Believe me I've tried. I've thought ever awful thing possible about my own identity. Then I came to terms with myself, and did what I needed to do to express myself, feel comfortable within myself and present to the world as much “me” as I can.

This was not an identity I came to lightly. Transition; especially at a time when gender variant transition wasn't even written about…was not easy. My gender identity is no more about clothes and style than any other. That’s only what you can see. There’s FAR more to me than what’s on my skin, or how I interact with people, or what my energy might express.

Since I can’t wear my entire wardrobe every day; you’re not seeing the whole of my self expression on any given day. Same goes for any other gender variant person. Step back and look at everything you know about the person. Then; take them at their word. We do the same for the rest of our community.