Spokane TALL is on the scene

First, I'm sorry for abandoning this blog. (again....) So many people rage, or write, or express themselves in some fashion when they're hurt or angry. I find that when the world gets nasty, I shut down. It's not particularly helpful, but it is what happens. The heightened publicity of trans murders and suicides just hurts me so deeply. Not so say that it DOESN'T hurt others, I have no doubt that it does. I just don't know what to do with that, I suppose.

Anyway, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. There's a project I've been part of since May. Spokane TALL. Tall stands for Transgender Advocacy, Learning and Leadership. In my view, it's a much needed project locally. For the last year we've been working slowly on by-laws, organization and getting our ducks in a row. Thinking about "who are we" and making sure we have our feet firmly under us. The project is made up (so far) of people who are very involved in other things, so progress is slow, but that's been ok.

We burst on the scene this Transgender Day of Visibility. We ended up with three events during the week! Monday we received a proclamation from the Mayor, proclaiming Spokane's first TDOV. Then Tuesday we showed Kumu Hina followed by a panel discussion. We had sixty four people in attendance!! I can't tell you how big that is. Just believe me, it is. Events are rarely that large in this city.

Saturday we wrapped things up with a transgender health care forum, presented by Danni of Gender Justice League. I wasn't sure what the turn out would be, but I hoped it would be positive and that there would be a large enough crowd to make it worth Danni's trip over from Seattle (a six hour drive!) I set a goal for 20 people, and would have been blown away and so excited with 30 people. Twenty showed up which was fantastic.

We've got more coming up too. This project is just getting started, and I'm so excited!

Body, Social and Mind dysphoria ~Sevan

Chart by @Cassiebebop

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at a picture and instantly felt sad or dysphoric about how you perceive yourself? If you're trans*, of course you have!

I recently discovered this graphic online, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE! However, I believe that some things can't be so easily categorized, and that makes those things so much more powerful because of the potential for it to have an effect on the physical, social and mental self. For example, if you look in the mirror and are hit with negative feelings about yourself. You're seeing how you look physically, which may not line up with what you'd like to see. You may feel social pressure to present or appear differently and mentally because our minds can warp what we see in the mirror and focus on aspects of ourselves that don't give us the full picture.

To illustrate this point, I think back to early in Cyndi's transition. She would come out of the bedroom in the morning and look forlorn. I would ask her what was wrong and she would express feeling as though she looked very masculine, or as if "she was never going to pass". This very rarely lined up with what I saw in my wife, and it left me unsure which of us wasn't seeing the full truth. I suspect both of us honestly. She was seeing all her traits that she didn't like, and I generally focus on far more positive traits because I love her. My responses rarely helped her to feel less dysphoric though, as her feelings were reflecting her inner beliefs.

I know that I can get this way too. Though for me it's more about pictures than mirrors. (likely because I tend to avoid mirrors, mostly because of their dysphoria risk.) I try very hard to look at a picture of myself without judgement. Depending on the day and my mood at the time, I have varying success at being non-judgmental with myself.

So what can be done about this? How does one deal with this issue? I believe that everyone has their own way, and their own coping mechanisms that work for them. One thing that's worked for me is taking the focus off visual cues and focusing more on other senses. I like the way I smell, so I focus on that. I feel validated when I run my fingers across my facial hair stubble, or through my hair. When I am faced with a picture or myself in the mirror, I try to focus on things I do like so that I'm not focusing on negatives. For me that's my ears, shoulders, smile/lips and freckles.

What do you do when you're faced with dysphoria from the mirror or pictures?

Choosing testosterone ~Sevan

The bigender girl by Anibunny

This post comes with all the normal warnings about this being my experience and only my experience and of course, I don't speak for anyone but myself.

In today's episode, I attempt to explain what motivated me to start HRT testosterone. We'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense to anyone but me.

Around October of 2009 I discovered the language surrounding non-binary identities. Before that, I didn't even know that anything outside of male/female binary existed at all. Cyndi had come out just a month before as trans feminine and I was looking for spouse support online. What I found instead was a section for "androgynes". That was such a HUGE "ah-ha moment" for me. Then came the few months of trying to figure out what to do with that information. I struggled with concerns about being accepted, being seen as a "freak" should I choose any transition action.

I was (and still am) adamant that I am not male and had huge concerns about being perceived male. Due to that, I was quite sure that testosterone wasn't going to be for me. I looked for transitional paths to follow, what worked for other genderqueer/non-binary people but struggled to find much information at all. I didn't know what I needed, but I was pretty sure that what I was doing wasn't working. I had a very hour glass shape and large breasts and ass. These features made it near impossible to dress androgynously. I also didn't like many of the styles that were considered androgynous. It just wasn't me. I like skirts and tshirts, and I'm still genderqueer when dressing that way. I tried to bind but found it extremely uncomfortable and unsuccessful. Binding seemed to make me more aware of my chest, not less. As a result, I rarely if ever wore a binder.

I planned to have a breast reduction and knew that it was gender based for me. I thought I'd be able to bind more once I had a smaller chest, which may well have been true but I found I just didn't need to bind. I was ok with my breasts after surgery. (That was a whole process, it wasn't just waking up from anesthesia and being ok. But I don't want to get into that tangent.)

My main support network was a group of transsexual women online. There was a great deal of talk about hormones and how people felt on them. The great sense of peace they experienced sounded wonderful. I started to think that maybe testosterone might be what I needed in order to find that mental peace. My mental state was unraveling from dysphoria. Knowing what was wrong, but not being able to do anything about it was a pain that was terrible. I looked everywhere for information about what testosterone might do. I found a few genderqueer people who had gone on T for short time and had success with it to get a more masculine appearance, but that wasn't what I wanted or needed. My search was wholly mental. I didn't hear anyone talk about that aspect of their transition with T.

Prior to Cyndi starting to transition medically she was prescribed T. The doctors said she had low T (go figure...) and could do well and have more energy on testosterone. She had some left over when she went off T and started estrogen therapy. It was so tempting, just sitting there on the shelf.

Finally, one day in early February I'd had enough. I was forming suicide plans and they made too much sense. Testosterone, with potential side effects were far better than suicide. I went and got the gel and started T. I thought perhaps it would prove silly, and not be worth it. All that hype, surly for nothing.

I looked through my journal and found this quote from when I first started T:

"Finally got dress and out the door headed for work. In the car I felt....almost hyper. Actually rather happy. I'm rarely happy on my way to work. Time to think means time to be depressed. But today I just bounced down the road singing along with my Ipod....having a very peppy drive. Huh.

Does this mean I'm a confirmed FtM now? I don't think so. Still me. Same person I was yesterday. Though it does seem that my body responds well to testosterone. So far. And that's all that means."

I had convinced myself that with a low dose of T I wouldn't see any physical changes, but would only experience the mental peace that I needed. That, was not true at all! I absolutely experienced physical changes. My voice lowered quickly, my emotions shifted, my dysphoria lessened significantly. My face structure shifted in ways I can't really express.

Here is a link to an article that does a wonderful job of talking about low dose T in more general ways: Click here to see Neutrois Nonsense

Harm reduction modeling ~Sevan

TW for (casual, not in depth) mention of drug use/abuse, self harm, sexual activity, abortion.

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Hey blog world! Long time no see. (My bad...) I've been very very busy with entering school, crafting and working. So I haven't been writing much. I'm sorry about that.
Something that I've become passionate about recently is harm reduction. So I wanted to talk to you, the reader, about what it is and where it can be applied.
First, just what is Harm reduction? According to Wikipedia it can be classified as:
"Harm reduction (or harm minimization) is a range of public health policies designed to reduce the harmful consequences associated with various, sometimes illegal, human behaviors. Harm reduction policies are used to manage behaviors such as recreational drug use and sexual activity in numerous settings that range from services through to geographical regions."

So this can have a broad scope and can be applied to work surround sexual activity risk, illegal drug use, alcohol use/abuse, self harm behavior, and many other public health concerns.

As some of you may know, I work in a queer youth center. This week, my college class intersected with my passion for youth. The class is for social workers and the discussion was about abortion access for minors. I felt as though we started at the wrong end of the discussion really. There was no lead up, or talk of other public policies that effect youth prior to them getting pregnant. I was shocked that we were just going to start at the abortion side of the issue.

I see safe, legal abortion as part of an overall harm reduction strategy. Though first we have to back WAY up and talk about access that youth have to research based, accurate information about their bodied and sex. As someone who works with youth, I hear what they learn about in class. I live in the liberal state of Washington (though not a particularly liberal side of the state...) and even still, the information youth have access to either has holes in it (no pun intended. Well, kinda intended.) is outright wrong, or was misheard. When I look at maps of the US that show what access youth have to medically accurate information about sex I'm appalled.

If information is incorrect or shame based are we really shocked that our next step in harm reduction, which is contraception and barrier (condoms, dams, etc.) access either isn't used, or isn't used correctly? If the only information you have about a condom is that it doesn't really work anyway, would you bother to use it? Research* shows that young people who have access to condoms and other barriers are NOT more likely to become sexually active, but those who are already sexually active are more likely to be safe about it. The logic that educating young people about sex will make them want to have sex also doesn't hold up. When people are treated with autonomy and respect to make decisions about their own bodies they are more likely to think through and make healthier choices.

So most states don't have good information in their schools about safer sex, they don't provide access to barriers or birth control (or if they do, we know there is limited information about those choices) and then we're going to be really disappointed when they become pregnant, become infected with STIs (at very high rates right now^) and/or are considering or having abortions.

If we want to lower pregnancies and abortion rates then we MUST provide lowest harm reduction strategies such as education. You can't provide NO harm reduction and expect no harm to come! It doesn't work that way.

I could tackle any harm reduction policy but that would end up with a very very long blog post. It all follows the same structure.

*Sources: Sally Guttmacher, et al., “Condom Availability in New York City Public High Schools: Relationships to Condom Use and Sexual Behavior,” American Journal of Public Health 87 (September 1997): 1427-1433; and Susan Blake, PhD et al., “Condom Availability Programs in Massachusetts High Schools: Relationships with Condom Use and Sexual Behavior,” American Journal of Public Health 93.6 (June 2003): 955-961.

^The CDC estimates that half of new STD infections occur among young people. Americans ages 15 to 24 contract chlamydia and gonorrhea at four times the rate of the general population, and those in their early 20s have the highest reported cases of syphilis and HIV. Young men and women are more likely than older people to report having no sex in the past year, yet those who are having sex are more likely to have multiple partners, which increases the risk of STDs.

Trans* flag ~Sevan

I know I mentioned how our trans* group had been working on a new flag to represent our community. Well we worked on it further and finally came to a solid conclusion for a design. I'd love to see it spread! So frequently I"ve heard complaints about the most well known trans* flag:


The complaint about that flag is the colors. They're "baby colors". I think the creator of the flag was trying to express that most trans* people were born in the wrong body. I can't know that...as I don't know the flag's creator. What I can do though, is make my own version of a trans* flag that might resonate with people more. I enlisted the help of my local trans* support/social group and we came up with this:


The top two stripes represent male (blue) to female (pink). The purple represents non-binary and genderqueer people (as the genderqueer flag colors are green, white and purple) the thin white stripe represents all people as well as the "line" trans* folks cross during their transition. Then the female (pink) to male (blue) along the bottom.

We've made a banner to march with for Pride and we've got small 5x7 flags that we'll wave as we march.


If you like this flag, if you feel that it represents you; then please share it widely! I'd love to see this flag gain ground and take off!!

Spokane Trans* People documents ~Sevan

Hey all!
So I'm the facilitator of my local trans* support/social group. I think I've mentioned that a time or four. ;) So in prep for Pride we've been creating many documents for us to share, as well as our own version of the Trans* flag! I'd love to see our hard work shared and used to educate and bring people together.

Here is a PDF brochure that's aimed at educating allies.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to MtF identity.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to FtM identity.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to Genderqueer/Non-binary identities.
Here is a PDF hand out that's a glossary of terms for transgender concepts.

Last but most certainly not least...here's our version of the trans* flag.

From top to bottom the colors represent MtF (Blue, to pink) Non binary identities represented by the purple and white stripe, and FtM (pink to blue)

Finally a new transition update! ~Sevan

:) Enjoy! Sorry it took so long for me to get back to videos...eesh!

Bigender dysphoria ~Sevan

I'm going to go against my desire to continue on in hibernation and quiet and attempt to write something. (It would appear I haven't written on this blog since Nov!! And Sept before that. Hmm. For someone who journals daily you'd think I'd blog more often. Eh.)

First. What is bigender? (in my personal experience. These terms are still new[ish] and up for interpretation and sculpting) I experience it as being something akin to a yin yang.

There's my male side (Evan) who has that little spot of my female side,(Sara) there's my Sara who has that little spot of Evan; and there's the whole of me: Sevan. An attempt at incorporating them both into the whole...most the time that works, that's a happy space, it's fine and shared...and Sara and Evan bicker and disagree, they love each other and agree...it's all in my head...mostly. None of that spills out and is expressed for fear of appearing crazy. For fear of appearing like someone with multiple personalities, for stigma...there's many reasons to just keep this to myself. Cyndi knows of the identities. She knows there's still division of self...that rift never was healed. But it's not bad or painful for me most the time. It's just the way my mind works. It's split in two. That's ok. We work together...most the time. It's when we don't work together that dysphoria kicks in and is nasty.

There seems to be a misconception that non-binary people don't experience dysphoria. While that may be true for some, I know many who do experience dysphoria and depression stemming from their gender identity. I struggle with the idea of "speaking for all non-binary people" because it's a wide expanse of people and experiences and identities. I can only speak for myself, and perhaps some will identify with me and not feel alone.

So my dysphoria seems to come out when one of my two sides feels unseen or "closeted"...(for lack of better term.) Since I live in a world that is binary I have to present in a binary fashion. As such I always present female at work. Working 40hrs a week and having an hour commute per day...this leaves very few hours for any male expression, hobbies or just time. This can lead some pain.

Being on T I do have facial hair now. Still not a whole lot, but enough to need to shave every other day. Due to my work schedule I nearly never get to experience my beard. That can cause alot of dysphoria. Living in a binary world where I can't be me, I can't be flexible, I can't express both sides of myself.

Dysphoria can spring up on me. I can think that I'm doing well, balancing fine and then suddenly there's some issue over clothing for the day, or someone hyper gendering me female (oddly this happens alot. I'm not just assumed to be female..but I'm assumed to be REALLY female. Just because I like unbifurcated clothing? Hmf.)

I don't have an answer for this. The world isn't likely to STOP being binary anytime soon. Understanding is power though. In sharing our experiences we can see our similarities.

Too high...too low...~Sevan

Oh my my my. Ok...so a TON has happened since I last wrote here...however I kinda want to ignore all that and focus on one thing in particular. Getting my hormone levels right.

I first started testosterone via gel applied to my shoulders every morning. The gel had to be applied at the same time every morning or I would start to feel the dip in my hormones and become cranky and lethargic. Putting the gel on required me to shower first and scrub my skin well...and I needed to work out before my shower so I didn't end up sweating my gel off later in the day. I found it to be a pain in the rump...and talked to my doctor about switching to injectables. I'd heard that was a better way to go...and I felt it would free up my mornings and give me more freedom. Well..it did that..but I was SO TIRED!!! Omg so tired. I stayed with it for a little over a month and then I just couldn't take the fatigue. I suppose it's up for debate if the injectable testosterone was to blame for my fatigue or if it was environmental....and my Dr did try to argue that point but I just wasn't liking it. My shots were weekly but I still felt like I'd get a big dip in energy and mood a few days before the shot and I wanted to go back to the energy and steady moods I had on the gel. (Turns out...grass isn't actually greener on the other side! Who knew.)

When I was on injectable T my blood work came back in the 620 range. My doctor was very happy with that level but I felt it was a bit too low for me.
Let me back up and say that a frustrating part of hormones is that there is no *right* for everyone. There is only right for each individual person. That "right" is found based on how you feel and how your body reacts. There's nothing else in medicine like it! You have to listen closely to your body and your mind to find your "sweet spot" as it were. For me...620ish wasn't it.

We put me back on the gel and I felt good. My voice kept dropping, my energy returned and I started feeling pretty good. I was happy, I felt balanced, I started gaining a bit of muscle, my appetite was balanced...I was good. When we checked my T levels I was up in the 800s! Holy cow!! I didn't think that was possible with the gel...but there I was. That was a fine place to be for a person in hir 20's and I had no issue with that. My Dr did however. He thought it was WAY too high and accused me of taking too much T! Oh heck no. I was taking it as prescribed. I had an appt with him to discuss this and I brought three different articles which all said that 800's was a fine place for a person of my age to be at. He apparently had done a bit of research himself and was fine with me being in that level.

A few months went by and last week I went in for my normal three month check up. We drew blood to check my hormones and I just got the results back yesterday. Now my T is up in the low 1,000s! Now THAT...is too high. That may be just right for some people, but for me...after I checked in with myself about that, and looked at my moods, my behavior, ect..nope. This is too high. Well crap. Now I've got to go back in to discuss this with my doctor. Again. The odd part is...I'm doing as I've always done. The correct amount of T I've been prescribed. The gel is measured out in daily dose sachets so I can't screw it up. I've never ever heard of anyone having such high T on the dose I'm on. I've been feeling very...aggressive, anxious, jumpy, I've not been sleeping well and my appetite has been nil.

I'm not sure what we're going to do about that as I felt it was too low on the injectable and the trough (the time when T is low before the next shot) was difficult for me...but clearly my T keeps rising on gel. I seem to really be holding onto it!! You'd think my body really really likes it or something ;) lol.

I wish there was an easier way to find just the right hormone level...but it appears that's not to be. Here's hoping my Dr. feels like being creative!

Growing into my own

Anyone that's known me for more than five mins knows I'm a bit of a control freak. Like..."Hi...my name is Sevan...and I'm a control freak" kinda thing. It's like that. Or at least...it was.

I don't know if it's transition related, Saturn return related, or just plain growing up. (perhaps a mix of all three?) I just really feel like I'm settling into my stride.

Last weekend was my birthday. I turned 28. I don't feel 28. Heck, sometimes I feel down right in my 70's. Due to only being five months into testosterone I also often feel like a fumbling bumbling teenager. Awkward and unsure.

It's amazing what will happen when you let your true self shine. We keep it in, bottle it up, just sure that no one will accept us. Refuse to come out of the closet, maybe just dress on occasion...hiding in our own shame. For me, I came out of the closet kicking and screaming!! I did. not. want. to. do. this!! Not one bit! I was sure I would be even more ostracized that I already was! I'd have even less friends!!! (which...is pretty difficult to do when certain you have no friends..) Yet the opposite has really been true. As I've been authentic and honest...it's allowed those around me to meet me as their authentic and honest self. And my goodness what a BLESSING!!

This past weekend we did something we never do. (because I never allow it) we took a trip and flew by the seat of our pants. I don't know what stopped me from trying to control the heck out of everything...maybe I was just too darn tired from the culmination of health, work, stress, money, blah, blah, blah...that I just didn't have it in me to control this trip. And THANK GOODNESS I didn't!! We'd planned on leaving home on Saturday morning...but decided last min to leave Friday and spend the night in Seattle. (which is where we were headed)

We packed up, grabbed the dogs and everything they needed and headed off. I text a friend to see if she was available to get together. She was! She even had some floor space we could occupy that night! How awesome!! Previously I would have had a hotel all booked and already paid for...and I would have kicked myself and stewed that someone would offer but I wouldn't have taken it because of money already spent. Not this time though! Cynthia and I hung out and just soaked up the good conversation. Really wonderful. Hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in over a year is just good for the soul.

Cynthia wanted to know what time breakfast would be and when we would leave in the morning to meet up with the person we'd planned this whole trip to see. I blissfully replied that breakfast would be had when everyone was awake, and we'd leave when it was time to leave. How freeing!!

That's exactly what we did too. Lovely. We had lunch with a dear dear friend whom I've never met in person and Cynthia hadn't seen in 12 years! Far too long. We headed back home from there and the energy has just carried me.

There are plenty of things I could stew on, stress about, chew my nails over...but those things will work themselves out whether I stew or not. The funny thing is...I feel more in control than ever! I'm in control of *me*. How I act, and how I react! It wasn't particularly easy to get to this point...and I'm not saying I won't slip back into the "control monster" again...but for now I'm happy to go with the flow and follow bliss.

Looking back

Hi all, it's me...Sevan. You remember me right? lol...I know it's been a while since posting. I'm sorry about that. Life kinda...flipped the fruit basket...if ya know what I mean.

Anyway...something that's been stewing in the back of my mind that I've really wanted to get down on "paper" is my thoughts now about transition and what it's really *been* vs. what i *thought* it would be for me. I talked this out in therapy and I figured it'd be good here too.

Before I ever started T I thought mostly about my identity as an androgyn and what transition might look like to bring the body into alignment with my mind/identity.

My only experience with testosterone was when Cyndi was prescribed a T gel for "chronically low T" (yea...go figure.) She'd not come out to our doctor yet, so our doctor did not know that he was prescribing testosterone to a trans woman. He didn't know the harm that could cause...because we didn't quite tell him the whole story. Honestly...we didn't know what harm adding MORE T to a trans woman's brain would do either. So Cyndi was on this gel for over a year I'd say. She applied it on schedule ever day. The doctor couldn't quite understand why she wasn't getting into the male range. I came to believe that perhaps the drug just wasn't strong enough. Obviously once Cyndi needed to start transitioning she stopped the testosterone.

Taking that into account; when I was considering taking T I thought (wrongly..) that this "low dose" gel drug would be perfect for me! After all, if a natal male can't get into "male range" on the blood work with this drug, surely *I* wouldn't be able to either! It would be perfect. My identity was somewhere in-between male and female, so my hormones should be too. Right? In my mind I thought this would be the perfect balance.

Thankfully I did have the knowledge of YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary) So I talked myself through a bunch of "what-ifs" before embarking on my transition via hormones. I decided that while I was SURE those "what-ifs" were unlikely and even if they were to come to pass...I NEEDED this.

I thought that what was most likely to happen would be that I wouldn't really change on the outside at all! Putting my hormones in an intersexed ranged (not fully female, not fully male) wouldn't change my voice...if it did...then maybe just slightly. Surely not noticeably. I didn't think I'd get a beard or much body hair, I just thought that perhaps it would bring some mental peace.

Now that I'm four and a half months into my testosterone use I can say....BOY was I ever WRONG! Turns out that "peace" only comes for me when my hormones are in FULLY male range. Not even particularly low within that range! Nope. So my voice has dropped quite a bit, my body hair has increased, my beard is growing in and I'm already shaving twice a week, my mind feels rewired, I respond to emotions differently and I FEEL emotions differently. Basically; everything that could change...did.

We can never know how the body will respond to stimulus. My thoughts about what I needed were totally off. Thankfully I was able to listen to what my body needed, rather than force myself to adhere to the "numbers" of the labs. The few times I lowered my dose of T to try to keep it "low dose" it didn't work so well. I was cranky and surely and so tired! It clearly wasn't what my body or mind needed.

This did lead to a crisis of identity for a little while. It's very easy to jump to the conclusion that "fully male hormone levels=male identified" but that's just really simplifying an issue that isn't that simple. I can no more fit myself into a fully male identity than I can a fully female identity.

I was looking for my hormones to be in between, and be in balance. What I found instead is a female body, with male hormones. For me, right now, that's the balance. It's precarious...to be sure. There's is still a TON of processing yet to do....but I'm in a good place. For the most part. If I shut out all the stimulus of the world and life and just tune into my body and mind...I finally feel much more at home. It's not perfect; nothing is...but it's much much better in this body than it's ever been. There's something to be said for that.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me friends. Till next time, Sevan.