Burn out is real, and it's not a sign of weakness ~Sevan

Social media is a powerful tool for the social justice advocate. Trans people can connect with one another, share issues, band together and get things done. For some of us, maybe even all of us (whether we recognize it or not) it becomes a horrible space where the work never ends, and friends, fun, family and social justice work all blend together. 

It sends the message that you should never stop working. This is a dangerous message. People need to be able to have safe places to relax and recharge. Often wonderful wise people face burn out and the movement loses those people, all their skills, knowledge and cooperation. We have to rebuild, train, connect and build new relationships. We constantly start over, but push and push for people work, attend events, research, read every article that gets shared by every single friend who shares all your same beliefs and advocates along side you.

An example. I created a Twitter account to follow musicians that I liked. The whole purpose was fun and relaxation. Twitter told all my Facebook friends that I had created a Twitter. Of course they wanted to add me, they *are* my friends, so I wanted to add them too! Quickly my twitter feed was so covered in angry trans issues, fights and encouragement to help remove trolls from Twitter to the point that I no longer go to Twitter at all. That is not to say that this issues that I was presented with on Twitter weren't important, but one only has so much time and so much energy.

We need to protect ourselves but also support others in our community. If we encourage one another to take care of themselves, our community becomes stronger and healthier. My request to those trans advocates is to consider who you're going to reach. Who reads you? Do they likely follow the same pages you follow? If so, they've probably already seen the article you're considering sharing. Not only can this be frustrating but depending on what the information is, it can be triggering and painful.

I know for myself, seeing article after article about trans people who have committed suicide hurts me deeply. I am experiencing secondary trauma, and I am not alone.

Here are some things that you can do to help build up the community, but still participate in sharing important information.

#1 Use trigger warnings, and consider not including the preview image. Pictures are bigger than words, so often a trigger image of a person who's passed away, or a person who appears grief stricken can be the first thing someone sees even if you use trigger warnings.

#2 Share your thoughts about the article, and then link the article in a comment, rather than in the body of your status or post.

#3 Pay attention when someone says they're down or struggling. Ask how you can help. Share things with them that helps you cope. Often times, people don't realize the level of stress they're under. We've gotten very good at ignoring our internal signals. Good friends can remind us to check in with that internal signal.

#4 Learn more about self care and what makes you tick. Share articles and images that lift your community up, in equal part to negative articles that are intended as a call to action.

#5 If you've seen an article more than two times, chances are, your friends have seen it too. Consider not sharing it.

Body, Social and Mind dysphoria ~Sevan

Chart by @Cassiebebop

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at a picture and instantly felt sad or dysphoric about how you perceive yourself? If you're trans*, of course you have!

I recently discovered this graphic online, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE! However, I believe that some things can't be so easily categorized, and that makes those things so much more powerful because of the potential for it to have an effect on the physical, social and mental self. For example, if you look in the mirror and are hit with negative feelings about yourself. You're seeing how you look physically, which may not line up with what you'd like to see. You may feel social pressure to present or appear differently and mentally because our minds can warp what we see in the mirror and focus on aspects of ourselves that don't give us the full picture.

To illustrate this point, I think back to early in Cyndi's transition. She would come out of the bedroom in the morning and look forlorn. I would ask her what was wrong and she would express feeling as though she looked very masculine, or as if "she was never going to pass". This very rarely lined up with what I saw in my wife, and it left me unsure which of us wasn't seeing the full truth. I suspect both of us honestly. She was seeing all her traits that she didn't like, and I generally focus on far more positive traits because I love her. My responses rarely helped her to feel less dysphoric though, as her feelings were reflecting her inner beliefs.

I know that I can get this way too. Though for me it's more about pictures than mirrors. (likely because I tend to avoid mirrors, mostly because of their dysphoria risk.) I try very hard to look at a picture of myself without judgement. Depending on the day and my mood at the time, I have varying success at being non-judgmental with myself.

So what can be done about this? How does one deal with this issue? I believe that everyone has their own way, and their own coping mechanisms that work for them. One thing that's worked for me is taking the focus off visual cues and focusing more on other senses. I like the way I smell, so I focus on that. I feel validated when I run my fingers across my facial hair stubble, or through my hair. When I am faced with a picture or myself in the mirror, I try to focus on things I do like so that I'm not focusing on negatives. For me that's my ears, shoulders, smile/lips and freckles.

What do you do when you're faced with dysphoria from the mirror or pictures?

You can not have a perfect society if you walk away from it.

Sometimes hurt people lash out.

Recently we had a kerfuffle in the TS community. A prominent TS woman and another semi prominent TS woman had a go at each other.
This devolved into a camps forming matter.

But this is not what I wanted to talk about. A comment I saw in one of the posts about this fight prompted this post.

I want to talk about the people who decide that because the TS community is fractured and doesn’t get along that they will not help anymore.

Well excuse me!

This is a community that is in allot of pain, and has suffered trauma after trauma. We are incapable of functioning as a cohesive unit. I saw one TS person make the comment this morning “I too have left the trans community to wither and die on its own ... the community is a creature that will surely consume itself, tail first.”

This last sentiment was the most privileged and bullshit thing I have read in a month of Sundays!
If you want to fix a community you do not do it by blowing it off; the idea that only functional people deserve respect and to be worked with is anathema to the cause of equal rights. The idea that you are only willing to work with people who get along perfectly is a self defeating idea that is more poisonous than the evil the perpetrator of inequality gives out.

You take the community as is. If it is not up to your personal standards you do not walk away shaking your head and decrying how they will never get it. Of course they won’t! The people who could help walk away out of some idea that life needs to be perfect.

You do not get a perfect world. You do not get perfect people. You get to work with the same bag of dysfunction as the rest of us. I am sorry we are not perfect and up to the standards some of you may hold as dear.

 

We are a dysfunctional lot. There is no way in hell that yelling at us how ‘screwed up we are’ is going to fix it. You fix it by rolling up your sleeves and accepting that your work is cut out for you. If you truly want to heal the community you accept that there are some seriously hurt and dysfunctional people in the community and you trudge on.  

World AIDS day

Me.

And my love. And a few of my dear friends.

AIDS is not everything I am. It does not consume me, it is not *me* entirely, but it is part of this whole. There are many many times that I feel overwhelmed, sick and sad....

But then again...my life is also filled with hope, peace and much love. There is still so much stigma and misinformation surrounding AIDS/HIV. Please, educate yourself. Learn more, open your mind.... You don't know how I got it. You don't. You don't know what I've been through to get to this point of advocacy and hope. It touches anyone indescriminatly. If we cover our eyes and pretend we can't see AIDS...we miss out on some powerful opportunities.

Please...please don't put HIV in your bag of denial:

World AIDS day. What a thing to "celebrate". Please go get tested, and then read some about what AIDS REALLY is.

HIV+ women having HIV- babys

HIV stigma and women

No viral load=No transmittion!!

AIDS AIDS AIDS a poem

The end of AIDS: Hope for a cure!!

Please read any or all of these articles. None of them are written by me. All studies are by professionals. This is not a matter of opinion. This is fact now. Thank you for your time. Your own education is a blessing to me. I love that poem "AIDS AIDS AIDS". I met the author. She's amazing.

The thing I want to really discuss today...is something Bono said last night on the Daily Show while discussing his (amazing) work in the field of AIDS advocacy and fundraising. He said that circumsision in males would lead to lower infection rates in men.

When I heard him say that....my mouth hit the floor. I can't believe that someone as knowledable as him would say such a thing!! This is NOT TRUE. So many people watch the daily show, so many people are going to believe him because of who he is...and it's WRONG!!

A study was done (poorly...imo) in Africa back in 2006 (round about then..) and it "showed" that circumsision in men led to less infection. This has since been proven false. There was a slight protection in straight men, but none in gay or bisexual men. This...in Africa...where many still believe that if they have sex with a virgin (read: Rape a young girl!!) that they will be protected from ever contracting AIDS. This is dangerous and false information.

There are great strides being made toward a cure and I can't believe Bono would throw out information about circ instead of talking about gene therapy, or blood cleansing protocols that are coming out. (discussed in the "End of AIDS" article I linked to above) Ugh!! Pisses me off.

If anyone with better google-fu than me can find a (current, recent) article talking about the myth of this circ connection...please share it and I'll link it here. I couldn't find one in the few moments I had to do a search.

Above all...be careful with yourself. Respect yourself enough to demand safety. HIV is easily avoided. Condoms work. Don't touch blood. Have compassion for those who do have this disease. Here's to the end of AIDS. I hope I can see it in my lifetime and...I believe I will.