Radical Honesty part 2 ~Cynthia

Radical honesty to me is kind of a complicated thing.
It means being open and honest 100% about anything that may impact your relationship. It does not mean that one has to volunteer information that is unasked for but also it does not allow for withholding information that may be germane to your relationship.
Let us go through some situations that have come up in my life and others I have known:
You have a mild interest in someone outside of your relationship. There is zero chance that you would act on these feelings and you know in your heart you would not accept advances from this person. Now we have an attraction outside the relationship and that could be very detrimental. Yet the interest is passing and of no consequence. Personally I would withhold said information. There is no need to unnecessarily worry a spouse with such a trivial matter. Unless of course: your spouse asks you outright if you have interest in said person. This is a brilliant opportunity to provide honesty. Just because you think that your BFF’s brother is hot as tamale this is no cause for alarm for your spouse. So what? It is what it is. Everyone has interests outside the relationship. That is natural human curiosity
You have a moderate interest in another person outside your relationship. You have no intention to move on this attraction but you might cave if they made a pass at you. This case it is time to come clean. You have an interest in someone that could potentially consummate. Your spouse needs to know this and as gently as possible. This is not an emergency that needs to be blown out of proportion. This calls for a calm and civil discussion of why there is an interest and how to deal with it maturely.
Any other situations involving interest in another person in a potentially romantic way should obviously be discussed.
Is it ok to lie about diner? No it is not. This small moment is an opportunity to display honesty in the relationship. Besides if you lie and say the lasagna is good when it is not you will be served the same dish sometime in the future.
Is it ok to lie if she asks if her dress makes her ass look fat? This depends on the woman. (he he got to have exceptions to every rule!)
Is it ok to lie about your mate’s friends and family? No, but, be wise and temper your statements with some tact and social grace. You do not want to start a fight and this is delicate territory. Maybe you do not need to bring up that the uncle who shows up every holiday is an ass. But say there is a friend that lives next door you simply cannot stand…Time to fess up, you need space and time away from this person.

Living in a relationship that practices radical honesty requires an agreement between parties to always approach a truth you do not like with dignity and respect. Be honest to a fault as a general rule. But do not go around making a point to talk about every thought or feeling. If there is no chance that something can impact your relationship, then just do not bring it up. If it might have an impact or it will you must communicate truthfully. But keep in mind a poorly spoken truth can get you into almost as much hot water as a devious lie.

I think the key to this is not asking each other questions we do not really want answered.

Radical honesty ~Sevan

There's something we practice in this house...and that is radical honesty. Let me first define what that means to me. It's never ever intended in any kind of malice or harmful intent. Radical honesty helps us to truly know and trust that what is said, is what is meant. It is a tool we use to get over rough spots or bumps in the road.

That's not to say it's a tool that should just be jumped into dear friends!!! Oh my no. Trust, real REAL trust must first be established between partners. You must KNOW without a doubt that your mate would not say what he/she/ze is saying if it were not meant and true.

Cyndi and I would have had a much rougher time getting through the initial pain of each other's transition without this level of honesty.

As a spouse of someone who is trans there are worries about other things that might be hiding in the closet. Trust is broken to some degree. Worries about what transition will look like, feel like, what changes will come first? Where will it stop? What about family, work? Ect. ect. ect. The "what-ifs" add up QUICKLY for the spouse of a trans person.

These are often not questions that the trans spouse can answer right off the bat. Often...they don't know either! Practicing radical honesty meant that I could trust Cyndi when she said "I don't know" and mean it. Not worry that there was something behind the words, not worry that she was hiding something from me.

Now..."I don't know" isn't that hard to get out. Some of the things that *I* had to say to *her* were far more painful. They were things I had to get out though. I NEEDED her to hear how much of a struggle this was at first, how much I REALLY don't like change. (yea...go figure) I can't think of any specifics to share with you here; but I do remember about a month into Cyndi's transition there were tears, near break ups, fears, hugs and ALOT of pain.

Yep. All that happened even though *I* am trans as well. Yep. All that happened even though I knew she was trans from the get go. I honestly can not imagine what non trans spouses (who never knew until well into their relationship) go through. I can however, understand that it must be very very difficult.

Radical honesty saved us and repaired trust. Yes, sometimes it really hurts to hear the truth. However...knowing that your mate is speaking their heart in hopes to connect with you further and repair any pains...it's worth it.

Which hurts worse? Ripping a band aid of quickly....or slowly? What does it feel like to wonder if your mate is telling you the truth vs. KNOWING that they're telling the truth, that they mean it and that they're saying what they're saying from a place of love and honesty.

Growing into my own

Anyone that's known me for more than five mins knows I'm a bit of a control freak. Like..."Hi...my name is Sevan...and I'm a control freak" kinda thing. It's like that. Or at least...it was.

I don't know if it's transition related, Saturn return related, or just plain growing up. (perhaps a mix of all three?) I just really feel like I'm settling into my stride.

Last weekend was my birthday. I turned 28. I don't feel 28. Heck, sometimes I feel down right in my 70's. Due to only being five months into testosterone I also often feel like a fumbling bumbling teenager. Awkward and unsure.

It's amazing what will happen when you let your true self shine. We keep it in, bottle it up, just sure that no one will accept us. Refuse to come out of the closet, maybe just dress on occasion...hiding in our own shame. For me, I came out of the closet kicking and screaming!! I did. not. want. to. do. this!! Not one bit! I was sure I would be even more ostracized that I already was! I'd have even less friends!!! (which...is pretty difficult to do when certain you have no friends..) Yet the opposite has really been true. As I've been authentic and honest...it's allowed those around me to meet me as their authentic and honest self. And my goodness what a BLESSING!!

This past weekend we did something we never do. (because I never allow it) we took a trip and flew by the seat of our pants. I don't know what stopped me from trying to control the heck out of everything...maybe I was just too darn tired from the culmination of health, work, stress, money, blah, blah, blah...that I just didn't have it in me to control this trip. And THANK GOODNESS I didn't!! We'd planned on leaving home on Saturday morning...but decided last min to leave Friday and spend the night in Seattle. (which is where we were headed)

We packed up, grabbed the dogs and everything they needed and headed off. I text a friend to see if she was available to get together. She was! She even had some floor space we could occupy that night! How awesome!! Previously I would have had a hotel all booked and already paid for...and I would have kicked myself and stewed that someone would offer but I wouldn't have taken it because of money already spent. Not this time though! Cynthia and I hung out and just soaked up the good conversation. Really wonderful. Hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in over a year is just good for the soul.

Cynthia wanted to know what time breakfast would be and when we would leave in the morning to meet up with the person we'd planned this whole trip to see. I blissfully replied that breakfast would be had when everyone was awake, and we'd leave when it was time to leave. How freeing!!

That's exactly what we did too. Lovely. We had lunch with a dear dear friend whom I've never met in person and Cynthia hadn't seen in 12 years! Far too long. We headed back home from there and the energy has just carried me.

There are plenty of things I could stew on, stress about, chew my nails over...but those things will work themselves out whether I stew or not. The funny thing is...I feel more in control than ever! I'm in control of *me*. How I act, and how I react! It wasn't particularly easy to get to this point...and I'm not saying I won't slip back into the "control monster" again...but for now I'm happy to go with the flow and follow bliss.

Two videos for the price of one! ~Sevan

Hey folks! It's Monday again. My dreaded enemy. It's no secret that I'm *not* a fan of Mondays. Ah well. Such is life.

Sunda (June 27th) was National HIV testing day. To get the word out, I made a little video:



As I've gone through my transition a number of people have asked me about pronouns. I think it comes up when the image of me changes in their mind...and it no longer feels quite right in a person's mouth to say "she" in reference to me. I know that I went through that with Cyndi. Something just clicked and it no longer felt right to say "he"....though sadly there are some people in our lifes that we're not out to, so birth pronouns are still in use and it feels foul in my mouth. I digress. Here's a video about gender neutral pronouns, and how i feel about them:




The pronouns I use in the video are spelled "ze" and "hir"

Looking back

Hi all, it's me...Sevan. You remember me right? lol...I know it's been a while since posting. I'm sorry about that. Life kinda...flipped the fruit basket...if ya know what I mean.

Anyway...something that's been stewing in the back of my mind that I've really wanted to get down on "paper" is my thoughts now about transition and what it's really *been* vs. what i *thought* it would be for me. I talked this out in therapy and I figured it'd be good here too.

Before I ever started T I thought mostly about my identity as an androgyn and what transition might look like to bring the body into alignment with my mind/identity.

My only experience with testosterone was when Cyndi was prescribed a T gel for "chronically low T" (yea...go figure.) She'd not come out to our doctor yet, so our doctor did not know that he was prescribing testosterone to a trans woman. He didn't know the harm that could cause...because we didn't quite tell him the whole story. Honestly...we didn't know what harm adding MORE T to a trans woman's brain would do either. So Cyndi was on this gel for over a year I'd say. She applied it on schedule ever day. The doctor couldn't quite understand why she wasn't getting into the male range. I came to believe that perhaps the drug just wasn't strong enough. Obviously once Cyndi needed to start transitioning she stopped the testosterone.

Taking that into account; when I was considering taking T I thought (wrongly..) that this "low dose" gel drug would be perfect for me! After all, if a natal male can't get into "male range" on the blood work with this drug, surely *I* wouldn't be able to either! It would be perfect. My identity was somewhere in-between male and female, so my hormones should be too. Right? In my mind I thought this would be the perfect balance.

Thankfully I did have the knowledge of YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary) So I talked myself through a bunch of "what-ifs" before embarking on my transition via hormones. I decided that while I was SURE those "what-ifs" were unlikely and even if they were to come to pass...I NEEDED this.

I thought that what was most likely to happen would be that I wouldn't really change on the outside at all! Putting my hormones in an intersexed ranged (not fully female, not fully male) wouldn't change my voice...if it did...then maybe just slightly. Surely not noticeably. I didn't think I'd get a beard or much body hair, I just thought that perhaps it would bring some mental peace.

Now that I'm four and a half months into my testosterone use I can say....BOY was I ever WRONG! Turns out that "peace" only comes for me when my hormones are in FULLY male range. Not even particularly low within that range! Nope. So my voice has dropped quite a bit, my body hair has increased, my beard is growing in and I'm already shaving twice a week, my mind feels rewired, I respond to emotions differently and I FEEL emotions differently. Basically; everything that could change...did.

We can never know how the body will respond to stimulus. My thoughts about what I needed were totally off. Thankfully I was able to listen to what my body needed, rather than force myself to adhere to the "numbers" of the labs. The few times I lowered my dose of T to try to keep it "low dose" it didn't work so well. I was cranky and surely and so tired! It clearly wasn't what my body or mind needed.

This did lead to a crisis of identity for a little while. It's very easy to jump to the conclusion that "fully male hormone levels=male identified" but that's just really simplifying an issue that isn't that simple. I can no more fit myself into a fully male identity than I can a fully female identity.

I was looking for my hormones to be in between, and be in balance. What I found instead is a female body, with male hormones. For me, right now, that's the balance. It's precarious...to be sure. There's is still a TON of processing yet to do....but I'm in a good place. For the most part. If I shut out all the stimulus of the world and life and just tune into my body and mind...I finally feel much more at home. It's not perfect; nothing is...but it's much much better in this body than it's ever been. There's something to be said for that.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me friends. Till next time, Sevan.

PRIDE

Yesterday we marched in Spokane's PRIDE march. Well I got wheeled around in my wheel chair by a friend and Sevan. (I am disabled and need a wheelchair whenever I will be forced to be out for a long time.)
I had fun and from what I could tell Sevan did also.
We marched with our local trans suport group. Spokane Transpeople.

For all the fun I had I do have one issue that I am surprised I have.
Every other time I have been to a festival and the PRIDE I went to in Pheonix had ALOT of vendors. Our PRIDE did have some vendors but there were not enough vendors around. We only spoted 3 food kiosk. The funny thing is when I went to Pheonix pride they had too many vendors! Seems I can't have a happy medium.

We didn't stick around to watch the awards ceremony or any of the stuff they planed. We just went around the park and had fun.

Anyways...
I think if you are LGBT and have the time and are willing to be public, you should make your way to your local PRIDE this year. The more of us that show up the more we demonstrate our combined economical power. Individualy we may have varying levels of resourses, but combined we are an entity that spends enough money to draw attention.

Video blog 6-3-10