Mirrors and truth

Recently I walked by a mirror and I was so stunned and happy to see how female I am starting to look that I went into tears.
Joy, and sorrow.
Joy that I am finally here and a deep and abiding sorrow that I had not adressed this issue a long time ago.

Before I started to transition when I looked in the mirror every male trait I had stood out like a beacon. I didn't see the less than masculine dude others saw. I saw a face very much ravaged by T poisoning. I saw ubber male, even though that was not the reality of the matter.

Now I hope I am seeing a little more clearly. Honestly I can not know, my eyes have lied to me before and I believed it.
Sad when you can not even trust your own testimony to yourself.
When I look in the mirror now I am seeing a girl most the time. Sometimes I see a guy but nowhere near as often as before.
It is mind blowing how a simple hormone can change everything.

When I see Cynthia in the mirror instead of Pete I see myself as I always should have been. But when I see myself in the mirror I am also reminded of how long it took me to come to terms with being me and that hurts.

One year HRT.

One year HRT. Wow.
I defiantly should have done this 25 years ago. …hindsight 20/20
No sense crying over spilt milk. Yet I do just that plenty often enough.
I have grown more in the last year as a spiritual and social creature than all the past years before it combined. Great and small insights into the condition of human life have seemed like a daily occurrence. Every day seemingly offering a chance at deep insight…..
HRT has been nice to me. Lately most folks see the girl when they see me. That man is becoming more and more the figment of my imagination. I know I am that person that was Peter but it almost seems it is a practice in role playing to summons that man. I didn’t think I would be so disassociated with the male incarnation a year ago. I seem to have played the part of the man I like. But I am not the mask known as Peter I am a woman known as Cynthia Lee.
My brain has rewired 4 or 5 times due to the HRT over the last year. Each time the changes are deeper and more complete. Each time I have thought I couldn’t change anymore only to have more changes become apparent. I find myself anxiously looking forward to the next change with a taste of fear of the unknown.
My body is only recently shifting fat to where it should be, but not fast enough damn it. lol But I do have small boobs and a feminine face.
So anyways I am defiantly a woman. Regardless of my body config I am female. I always was, it just took me some time to be sure of it 100%. (The HRT pretty much removed all doubt on the 2nd week. :) )
To this day I am giddy when I get my HRT. I get silly happy when I get my shot ready every time. So I am pretty sure I am on the right path. 
The next year of HRT is what I am really looking forward to. I should be able to get an orchi within the 3-6 months if my cardiogist will take me off plavix…. **fingers crossed**
Anyways I have rambled on enough.
Have a wonderful day,
Cynthia Lee

Some personal buisness to tend to

Hi folks!! I wanted to make sure you knew about my buisness. I'll make it quick, I promise. It is (of course) trans friendly and we'd love your support. You can see my most recent here: "What is soap?". Please add it to your feed reader! We make skirts, soap, bags and purses. We'd love your support!

Too high...too low...~Sevan

Oh my my my. Ok...so a TON has happened since I last wrote here...however I kinda want to ignore all that and focus on one thing in particular. Getting my hormone levels right.

I first started testosterone via gel applied to my shoulders every morning. The gel had to be applied at the same time every morning or I would start to feel the dip in my hormones and become cranky and lethargic. Putting the gel on required me to shower first and scrub my skin well...and I needed to work out before my shower so I didn't end up sweating my gel off later in the day. I found it to be a pain in the rump...and talked to my doctor about switching to injectables. I'd heard that was a better way to go...and I felt it would free up my mornings and give me more freedom. Well..it did that..but I was SO TIRED!!! Omg so tired. I stayed with it for a little over a month and then I just couldn't take the fatigue. I suppose it's up for debate if the injectable testosterone was to blame for my fatigue or if it was environmental....and my Dr did try to argue that point but I just wasn't liking it. My shots were weekly but I still felt like I'd get a big dip in energy and mood a few days before the shot and I wanted to go back to the energy and steady moods I had on the gel. (Turns out...grass isn't actually greener on the other side! Who knew.)

When I was on injectable T my blood work came back in the 620 range. My doctor was very happy with that level but I felt it was a bit too low for me.
Let me back up and say that a frustrating part of hormones is that there is no *right* for everyone. There is only right for each individual person. That "right" is found based on how you feel and how your body reacts. There's nothing else in medicine like it! You have to listen closely to your body and your mind to find your "sweet spot" as it were. For me...620ish wasn't it.

We put me back on the gel and I felt good. My voice kept dropping, my energy returned and I started feeling pretty good. I was happy, I felt balanced, I started gaining a bit of muscle, my appetite was balanced...I was good. When we checked my T levels I was up in the 800s! Holy cow!! I didn't think that was possible with the gel...but there I was. That was a fine place to be for a person in hir 20's and I had no issue with that. My Dr did however. He thought it was WAY too high and accused me of taking too much T! Oh heck no. I was taking it as prescribed. I had an appt with him to discuss this and I brought three different articles which all said that 800's was a fine place for a person of my age to be at. He apparently had done a bit of research himself and was fine with me being in that level.

A few months went by and last week I went in for my normal three month check up. We drew blood to check my hormones and I just got the results back yesterday. Now my T is up in the low 1,000s! Now THAT...is too high. That may be just right for some people, but for me...after I checked in with myself about that, and looked at my moods, my behavior, ect..nope. This is too high. Well crap. Now I've got to go back in to discuss this with my doctor. Again. The odd part is...I'm doing as I've always done. The correct amount of T I've been prescribed. The gel is measured out in daily dose sachets so I can't screw it up. I've never ever heard of anyone having such high T on the dose I'm on. I've been feeling very...aggressive, anxious, jumpy, I've not been sleeping well and my appetite has been nil.

I'm not sure what we're going to do about that as I felt it was too low on the injectable and the trough (the time when T is low before the next shot) was difficult for me...but clearly my T keeps rising on gel. I seem to really be holding onto it!! You'd think my body really really likes it or something ;) lol.

I wish there was an easier way to find just the right hormone level...but it appears that's not to be. Here's hoping my Dr. feels like being creative!

Poly people~ Cynthia Lee

My wife and I are polyamourous. Problem is we are living in a monogamous relationship. We would be 1000% willing and ready to accept another lover but alas it is not to be it would seem. (there are some serious complications involved)
Last night I received wonderful news that is somewhat of a bitter pill.
One of the couples my wife and I hold very close and dear have entered into a poly relationship. The wonderful part is that they are in a poly relationship the bitter part is that the woman in this relationship has spent years denigrating and casting doubt on the validity and stability of polyamoury. Suddenly she has what I have always wanted and what she has always talked poorly of. In a way I feel like I am owed an apology for all the times poly was down talked and dismissed, I highly doubt I will get it. For all her wonderfulness I have never seen this woman say sorry or admit she was wrong for any reason.

So I am sad and bummed out. I see friends having poly relationships and I want that also but it will never happen.

I am so bitter I could just die.

A bit of funny in an otherwise sucky day

Today while I was at work Cyndi texted me to say that she thought she might be having a heart attack (don't worry...that's not the funny part). Now...she had a heart attack and actually CODED before my very eyes only just a few weeks ago so this is no laughing matter. None at all.

I was stuck at work until I found out where the ambulance would be taking her. (we live between two small towns and both towns have their own hospital. I work in the more northern of the two towns) The ambulance came to our house and she was to be taken to the souther town. They called me and I was off.

I rushed the 25mins to get to the southern town's hospital. I got there just moments before Cyndi did in the ambulance. I walked in and was greeted by a very kind female nurse. She introduced herself and then as she was pointing me in the direction of the check in counter. As she did she apparently got a whiff of me and just....took a step back! She breathed in again and said with a flourish "Oh my!! You smell GOOD! Yummy!!" and she bounded off cheerfully.

Now...that's the funny part....but why. Well...if you saw me today you'd see...a girl. Nothing more, nothing less. Today I'm in a white poofy blouse and a long simple purple skirt. Yes, my hair is short and my voice is deep but...out here in the country...I appear all woman! So...again...why is this funny?

It's funny because I don't apply anything to my body....except...testosterone!!! That's it. I didn't even use body wash today. I used water and a loofa scrubby. I didn't wash my hair today because it didn't need it, didn't apply any lotion, no perfumes and...I'll admit..I think I even forgot my deoderant. The only thing I applied to my body today was my testosterone gel. hehehehehe. I find this quite humorous because this isn't the first time that's happened. Women will comment on how I smell at least once every couple of weeks. Often they want to press me as to what they're smelling because they never can put their finger on it..

"Is it your shampoo maybe? I bet it's your shampoo!! Wait...what laundry detergent do you use? I bet that's it. Must be. Yep. That's it."

Endlessly funny to me. Women know the smell of men...but on my body and apparence it throws them. They don't realize they're smelling...*man*. Thankfully today the nurse just complimented me on my smell and was off to care for my ill mate...it's always uncomfortable when they get stuck on it and try to figure out JUST what it MUST be...

So in a rough day that's otherwise sucked....that was my highlight.

Sorry for not writing more often.- Cynthia

I know it has been a long time since I wrote here. Mostly nothing had changed until the last 2 weeks.
Recently I had a pair of heart attacks and as a result my doctor has substantialy reduced my E.
I feel like I am at a stand still in my transition although this is not true in reality. I am still on spiro and I am still on estrogen just not a high enough dose to maintain my sanity. I am emotionaly a wreck.
As a result of lowered E I am becoming depressed.
I have been trying to talk my doc into an orchidectomy. That would solve some of my medication issues and assit in my transition big time.

Have a good day folks.
Cynthia Lee