World AIDS day

Me.

And my love. And a few of my dear friends.

AIDS is not everything I am. It does not consume me, it is not *me* entirely, but it is part of this whole. There are many many times that I feel overwhelmed, sick and sad....

But then again...my life is also filled with hope, peace and much love. There is still so much stigma and misinformation surrounding AIDS/HIV. Please, educate yourself. Learn more, open your mind.... You don't know how I got it. You don't. You don't know what I've been through to get to this point of advocacy and hope. It touches anyone indescriminatly. If we cover our eyes and pretend we can't see AIDS...we miss out on some powerful opportunities.

Please...please don't put HIV in your bag of denial:

World AIDS day. What a thing to "celebrate". Please go get tested, and then read some about what AIDS REALLY is.

HIV+ women having HIV- babys

HIV stigma and women

No viral load=No transmittion!!

AIDS AIDS AIDS a poem

The end of AIDS: Hope for a cure!!

Please read any or all of these articles. None of them are written by me. All studies are by professionals. This is not a matter of opinion. This is fact now. Thank you for your time. Your own education is a blessing to me. I love that poem "AIDS AIDS AIDS". I met the author. She's amazing.

The thing I want to really discuss today...is something Bono said last night on the Daily Show while discussing his (amazing) work in the field of AIDS advocacy and fundraising. He said that circumsision in males would lead to lower infection rates in men.

When I heard him say that....my mouth hit the floor. I can't believe that someone as knowledable as him would say such a thing!! This is NOT TRUE. So many people watch the daily show, so many people are going to believe him because of who he is...and it's WRONG!!

A study was done (poorly...imo) in Africa back in 2006 (round about then..) and it "showed" that circumsision in men led to less infection. This has since been proven false. There was a slight protection in straight men, but none in gay or bisexual men. This...in Africa...where many still believe that if they have sex with a virgin (read: Rape a young girl!!) that they will be protected from ever contracting AIDS. This is dangerous and false information.

There are great strides being made toward a cure and I can't believe Bono would throw out information about circ instead of talking about gene therapy, or blood cleansing protocols that are coming out. (discussed in the "End of AIDS" article I linked to above) Ugh!! Pisses me off.

If anyone with better google-fu than me can find a (current, recent) article talking about the myth of this circ connection...please share it and I'll link it here. I couldn't find one in the few moments I had to do a search.

Above all...be careful with yourself. Respect yourself enough to demand safety. HIV is easily avoided. Condoms work. Don't touch blood. Have compassion for those who do have this disease. Here's to the end of AIDS. I hope I can see it in my lifetime and...I believe I will.

Happy Holidays!!!

The holiday season is now here.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful day and a better tommorow.

May your favorite team win in overtime and may the dressing come out perfect.

Hugz and luv,

Cynthia Lee

Back to conspiracy...

My take on the NWO, and Illuminati....

Some one has to run the show. You and I certainly can not do the job. We are not trained to do so.
They are.

Yes there are some corrupt asshats out there.
SO?

It comes with the territory. You can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs.

When I think of how they are running the show and how I would run the show, I come to the conclusion that they are allot nicer than I would be. I would be a brutal and absolute tyrant. Simply because I do not know how to politically manipulate my enemies like those who have been doing it all their lives.

Population control and demilitarization of foreign powers would be state policy. Mass manipulation of the proletariate for political purpose? You betcha.
Excecution of disidents and malcontents? In a heart beat.

When I consider how brutal I would be if in charge....these guys are pretty mellow.

Those of you out there who would stage revolution are going to have one of two things happen.
You are going to loose and get killed or placed under the boot heel of the powers that be if you survive.
If the revolution is successful then allot of people not trained in the excercise of power will accend to positions of power after they excecute the old powers that be. Resulting in a greater despotism than we already are in.

/sigh

Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.

Things that do not shame me. And a rant.

I am not shamed when you point out my flaws.
I am not shamed because I am HIV+.
I am not shamed because I am bisexual.
I am not shamed because I am transsexual.

Nothing you say can hurt me.
Nothing you say can silence me.
Nothing you say can make me go away.
Nothing you say can take away my humanity.

News Flash: I am not beholden to anyone to comply with social norms that I do not agree with. There is no law you can invoke that gives you the right to condemn me or anyone else for their transition. There is no law you can invoke to make transsexuals go away.

I really do not understand why it is important to some people that others are transitioning.

One hateful blog comes to mind particularly. We shall call her blog 'unclean caucasian male' because I certainly do not care to add traffic to her site. Why is it so important that she insert herself into the trans dialogue? She is a cisgender female. She does not even have a pony in this race yet she battles against the 'male medical machiene' to stop FTM's from transitioning.
Why?
Certainly there must be some moment in her life that has fueled her passion to fight against FTM transition.
I wonder what it is?

Back on point.
Transsexuals exist. We have existed in some form or another from the gender bending shaman to the Phrygian Priestess to the berdache of the Americas to the modern day transsexual. We have been here since time started. How on earth does anyone think they can make transsexuals go away simply by complaining about us?

Gender neutral pronouns ~Sevan

A person who identifies outside of the male/female binary wants to be identified just as women and men want to be identified. They want to be seen and heard as they are, for the gender they are. There are options out there that are "neutral" (They, One, Person, etc) but for the words I've provided I've never heard of options that are specifically for those outside the binary. I suppose the title "gender neutral" is misleading. Now that I think about it. What I was/am looking to provide is words for those who identify outside the male/female binary. Which actually isn't neutral at all.

A while back...a few years ago I believe...I talked about gender neutral terms. I was only able to tell you about another option in place of he/she which is "ze" (I should mention...there are many sets. There are also a number of folks who don't dig any of the pronouns sets...and that's ok.) and the replacement for his/hers which is "hir" (pronounced "hear")

That's it. That's all we could say. That's all there was. However...looking at language there are so many other gendered words that only having these two words...left MUCH to be desired. Anywhere I've looked I've never seen anyone discuss any words beyond he/she and his/hers. There are SO many more gendered words that we need in order to flesh out our language. Thankfully English is pretty flexible...slang is always coming into "vogue" (and often right back out of vogue....) I feel like...when words can come in, and flow, and click...they can find they're way into our natural speak.

Cyndi and I have set about to find, or create words to open up the language so that it's more function, usable and accessible. So I present the current list to you. After all...it's not really me who uses these words...as I don't talk about myself in third person. It's for others. For you...perhaps. This list is not complete, and as I said...we actually created some of these words...so it's no professional linguist bringing this to you. :)

In searching I found Per which is short for person. It would go in place of he/she. So you could say "Oh yea, that's Sevan. Per's cool." (if you were to use that set. Cyndi and I have been playing with it...it's an option.)

I think the reasons people have strong feeling about it is because it's new. No one ever questions he/she because we learned t at such a young age we didn't question it, or any other words we learned. That's just the words. That's just what those words mean. It just is, and we accept that. These new words are for scrutiny because they're new.

I have no real illusions of changing the world. I've seen blogs, forum posts and many many people trying to discourage me for a number of reasons from creating or seeking words to support and represent those outside male/female binary. I get it. There are MANY reasons these words may never ever take off. I'm ok with that. I just want to add to the conversation. I want to be able to express myself, and have those around me express and talk about me in ways that are supportive and positive...and correct. Labeling me female is not right. That's not what/who I am. I am an androgyn and the language should support that. While I'd love for our language to just not be gender based but....THAT'S not gonna happen. So...even if my circle of peers is the only people who use these words I'm offering...fine. That's fine with me. However...if these words are found by someone else, and gives them language to express themselves in a positive way...that's AWESOME!

The first one I really like is boy/girl/nute. Nute being short for neutral. Cyndi came up with it, and the main reason why we found it important is to fit into boyfriend/girlfriend/nutefriend. Generally you don't find children expressing androgyn or third gender identity. Teens however and young adults in relationships who might desire a word for their significant other...there ya have it!

I've got a friend who really likes to call people Sir/Ma'am and I have stumped her. So we came up with Mir. It's a simple mash of Sir and Ma'am. Many of the words we've come up with are mashes of the male and female words.

Such as Hersband, in place of husband/wife. Hers-band. :)

Still don't have one for the Father/Mother...but I really like Mada in place of Mom/Dad.

Brother/Sister Bro-ster. This one actually came from Cyndi's brother who was struggling with the transition early on and just couldn't make the leap in his mind that Cyndi was now his sister. We hear that and immediately had a word for those in between.

One word I badly want is a word in place of Uncle/Aunt but...I don't have one. Niece/Nephew and Grandma/Grandpa replacements aren't as important to me personally...but I'd like to have them just to complete the set. I'm sure there are words I'm missing but this is the list as it stands so far. :)

Male	Female	Androgyn/3rd gender/Null
He	She	Ze/Per
His	Her(s)	Hir(s)/Pers
Boy	Girl	Nute
Sir	Ma'am	Mir
Mr.	Mrs.	Mir
Husband	Wife	Hersband
Boyfriend	Girlfriend	Nutefriend/Ladydudefriend
Father	Mother	?
Dad	Mom	Mada
Brother	Sister	Broster
Uncle	Aunt	?
Nephew	Niece	?
Grandpa	Grandma	?

Two year anniversary coming up! ~Sevan

Today I dressed in one of my normal black tops and green pants. My previous goal was to minimize my chest and highlight other areas of my body. Now that my breasts are so much smaller (thanks to reduction surgery) my attire continues minimize my chest which is really not helpful. I need some new tops and I need to figure out how to dress for my new body type. I was googling how to accentuate and dress for smaller chest. Now I just need the finances to go and get new attire! lol. I need to stop wearing black tops. That I do know. It's not helping. It makes me look like I have no breasts at all. Which is fine and awesome when I'm feeling more male but not so helpful at work and when I want to be more fem.

My transition really started around this time two years ago. While I didn't start testosterone until Feb...I found the term androgyn and discovered my name Sevan and really started exploring all things bi-gender and transition and gender in general. So coming up on that anniversary and having this surgery has turned me introspective. Especially now that my mind is cleared thanks to needing less (but not none...yet...) pain medication.

My facial hair has been coming in thicker and blacker...I want to say recently but apparently it's been like this for a little while and I'm only just noticing. *shrugs* either way...having noticed that and having just had surgery...I'm feeling very...settled. I'm feeling really *in my skin* and even as though I need less testosterone. I've been using half tube for many days now and I'm ok with it. Previously I've been using a mix of full daily doses and half doses in a confusing mix that I can't really describe without a calendar and a pointer. lol! Since surgery I've only needed just half dose every day. I think I've had one day in there where I used a full tube. (the tubes are tiny and meant as "daily dosing") I'm feeling...like I'm right where I need to be. For once!!! It's a really nice feeling. My mind hasn't worried at gender since surgery. It's just been...quiet. Any worry or concern has been financial or family or any other "normal" worry. I can't say that I will be able to stay in this mental comfortable place...that's the androgyn struggle...the marker for which to aim for seems to constantly be moving and adjusting but for now...I'm good. I wasn't sure that'd be possible!

It's really just bonkers to think I'm essentially...done transitioning. I'm done. I've done all the active things I want/need. I'm on testosterone, I've had my surgery...the only thing left is to legally change my name. That was a BIG push for me mentally when I found my middle name but logically it just can't really happen right now. I mourned that...and then got over it. It'll happen when it happens. Those that know the real me call me Sevan. Any new person into my life knows me only as Sevan. That's...good enough for now. It's ok. I made it. Cyndi made it. The whole house has just...quieted. When I read back entries from two years ago...all I was talking about was gender, gender, gender. I was in a mental race to learn all I could and dig in to end the dysphoria as fast as I could. Between Cyndi's transition and my own...there was just no real time for anything else. Cyndi has some electrolysis left but...eh. That's it. (In fairness it's probably easier for me to say that..lol!) It feels so good to have gotten here. I couldn't even really envision it before. I have no doubt that dysphoria will come back, rear up at some point in the future...but I've got the tools and knowledge to deal with it now.

I was looking around the room of our trans support meeting on Saturday and I was thinking back to when we started. I think there were...3 people? Somewhere in that range. Now we've got 13+. Not everyone comes every meeting, and that's absolutely ok. I'm just so proud to see it thriving, warm and inviting. (I hope that's how we come across anyway...)

We've come a long long way in two years. It just feels so good to have arrived.

Life is normal now.

It would seem that 2 years into transition, life has settled into a new normal.

My book Saga: the Game has come a long way but it needs some more work.
The play test version is available from lulu.com

This is the download.
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/saga-the-game/17345439?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/3

Here is the actual book.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/saga-the-game/17273982?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1

If any one out there gets either...I am aware of the gramatical errors and I really do not need input on that issue. I am working on those issues.
What I really need is a review of the mechanix and usser friendly aspects.

Anyways.
I would like to get this book in a finished format with art work and perhaps a hard cover but my artists have been kinda slow getting me art.

Thank you for reading.

Sorry I have been away...

Sorry I have not posted in so long.

Sevan had a breast reduction last week. Ze is still in rough shape but on the mend.

Things are at a borring normal. This was the goal of my transition. Normal and ho hum. I am not looking for much excitement in life.
I am much happier staying at home and just goofing off.

Hopefully my game group can get back togather and start playing again. It has been too long.

Anyways.
Can't promise a post any time soon but I will try.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Stealth? No thank you!

Had I transitioned at 22 when I first tried, I would have gone deep stealth. It was my plan. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible.


Anyways I did not transition at 22. I crossed paths with the wrong head shrink and I was not mature enough to see past his bullshit and transition in spite of what he said.

However, had I transitioned then, I very well might have never seen my family again. Neither my family nor I would have been mature enough to handle me transitioning. I can see that clearly now.



Now I am too old to properly pull off stealth, so it is not much of an issue for me actually.

But I am happy in a way.

As I matured so did my family.



When I first came out to my loud and proud lesbian mom we discussed allot of things that are part of many trans peoples lives.

One of the topics that came up was stealth. I had to explain to her what it meant. When I explained to her what stealth was she got a concerned look on her face and said 'that's the closet, please tell me that's not what you want?'

I agreed that that was indeed a form of closeting and that I would not be looking to go stealth. I knew right at that moment that my mother would never respect my choice to go stealth if I decided to go that path.

My mother's respect and admiration mean allot to me. When I came out as Trans, I actually regained my mother's respect and admiration. Before I came out there was a wall between us, put up by me; specifically because of this damn GID issue, I was hiding from the world. I hurt allot of my family to put that wall up, it is rather surprising to me that I was able to reconcile with my family to be honest.

My sister in law, who I feared turning on me the worst, has become a sister to me in many ways since I came out.

Everywhere I turn, the people in my life have treated me rather well since my transition. They finally know what was eating me all those years and see that I have done something to fix it. They see I am indeed much happier, and the fact that I had to transition to find that happiness is not lost on them it seems.

They respect me now.

Go figure.



I however have no doubt if I were to have gone stealth I would have lost the respect of my mother and the rest of my family. They would see any attempts at living stealth as a form of closeting.

To keep my families respect all I have to do is be honest and not bullshit. That's easy enough for me.



I am out and open. There is no façade left in me. My entire world has rewarded me in small esoteric ways for being out and open.

My family respects me and I feel like I am living as real as I can.

Yes, I am trans. I am also a woman. Trans is just a qualifier to me. It is no different from white woman, HIV+ woman, or married woman, they are all just qualifiers.

My first go at transition.

I tried to transition at 22. However, I ran into a very bad psychiatrist who told me I was trying to live out a sexual fetish and I was only going to ruin my life. He told me I was sick and that the only way to cure myself was to stop dressing en femme and to get married and have children.


I was 22. I believed every word he told me. After all he was the doctor and there were transsexual women out there who had to go to doctors to transition. Obviously, he could tell the difference between a transsexual and a pervert. He said I was a pervert.

I did not know that not all doctors where not on the same page. I did not know that there are different schools of thought and differing medical opinions on Trans people.

It failed of course.

I eventually transitioned at 41.

Turns out, the doctor was wrong. I was not a pervert or a deviant. I was just a young woman who crossed paths with a very bad doctor.

That doctor ruined my life. I was so young and impressionable. I took what he said to heart.

I am happy to be were I am today, but I can not help to wonder what my life would have been like if I had been able to transition as a young woman.

Testosterone for androgyns/3rd gender/non-binary folk

While I am not some sort of...expert on the topic...I wanted some information to be out there. When I first started looking I did hear whispers about female bodied persons seeking transition to...not entirely male. I heard about people who knew someone who knew someone who one time was on "low dose T" for androgyns. But...that was about all the info I could find and looking back...most of that was wrong information.

I know we can't discuss dosages here, and that's fine. I won't be discussing that. Everyone is different, reacts differently and must seek professional advice from their prescribing doctor. Super duper important.

First thing I'd like to talk about in this is something I only just learned. (though once I learned it...it's kinda one of those..."oh duh." things.) Female born persons don't have testosterone blockers in their body. So...when we take testosterone, our levels appear much higher than those of male bodied persons. (as described to me by my doctor.) This is an ok thing. This actually makes it a little bit difficult to take something one might consider a "low dose".

When I started T (a little less than two years ago) I did so thinking I was taking a "lose dose". When I had my blood levels checked...I was shocked to find that based on my blood work, it was NOT a low dose for me. I was in fact, in full male/FtM range. However...I found the dosage to be very therapeutic. I freaked out about that and had a bit of a "what does this mean!? Am I actually FtM now that I'm in this range of T, and finding it therapeutic!?" and with thearpy and some time, therapy and thinking it through...no. That doesn't make me male. My identity is still as androgyn as ever.

There are many choices in dosage and prescriptions of testosterone. Many new ones have recently come out, which hopefully over time will make them cheaper. (as many are not cheap...) I have personally had experience with a few different types.

The first I was put on was Testim which is an alcohol based gel. It's applied to the chest (not breasts) and upper arms. You rub it in until you feel it's dry, let it set for a few mins and then get dressed as normal. It comes in small "daily application" tubes. The tubes are kind of nice because if you travel you can take just what you need, rather than a whole big bottle or what have you. I put "daily application" in quotes because really...it's between you and your doctor as to what is right for you. I've been given the freedom to play with proper dosage for me. We've experimented with half tube daily, and other combinations of full tube one day, half tube the next, so on and so forth. I did so under careful watch of my doctor.

Just to try the injectable version of T I did go on it for a short term. I thought it would be really nice to not have to think about it for two weeks, rather than daily application. I'm not a huge fan of shots, and my hormones were all over the place while on it so I really didn't like that. I prefer a more steady, even feeling...which the gel gives me. Daily application equals no trough. That's a pretty nice thing.

Recently my dr wanted me to try a new product that's come out. (he's pretty fond of whatever is new..."ooohhh shiny!" Axiron I tried it and...I *personally* don't like it. It's an odd application method. It comes in a large lotion type bottle and it comes with a rubber tipped cup that's shaped like deodorant. It goes in your under arms. You put your deodorant like normal, wait two mins and then pump this alcohol based liquid that's very watery into the cup. Then you apply the contents of the cup to your underarm(s). I couldn't quite get the hang of it somehow...and kept dripping it down my sides and onto the floor. I requested going back to Testim. (as that just works best for me. I'm sure the other types work wonderfully for some.)

The reason I feel that "low dose" is a sort of mirage is that even if you are able to keep your testosterone levels low...it just prolongs the changes that will be taking place. (as I understand it) though having low levels of testosterone limits what your body can do. (masculation wise)

My voice has dropped considerably. I am now a low bass singing voice. (I started at a low alto...for what that's worth.) I do have facial hair and need to shave, though it's still rather invisible...it's finally starting to darken up around my chin. I don't really have much for body hair though I'm starting to get some. My clit has grown as many transmen report. My sex drive amped up considerably. (oh lord did it..) My moods evened out, my GID lessened, my muscles bulk up easier, I seem more "vulcan" in my approach to thinks and insistence that all things should be logic focused (it's actually the running joke in this house) and I can't say that's testosterone based but it's so different from who I used to be (highly emotional to annoying levels...seriously. Annoying.) that I bring it up because changes in hormones can have unexpected consequences...positive or negative. I'm sure I've changed in ways I can't even see or notice about myself.

However...with all that...it's been one of the best things I've done for myself. I didn't hear any experiences from other androgyns (or the like) and so I wanted to put this here so others can hear my experience.

Working on a project.

The one thing I have wanted other than transition was to write a game system and try and market it.
Currently I am working on a Role Playing Game.
I will post updates soon.

A month and a day.

It has been a month and a day since I had my breast augmentation.
I am thrilled and tickled pink.
Having them has helped with my self confidance and comfort.

If you are a trans girl and you are looking for a good surgeon to do a breast augmentation look no further than Dr. Nguyen in Lake Oswego, Oregon.
He is a nice guy and very personable. His work is good and I could not be happier.


I have been on hormone therapy for 2 years, I have been castrated and I have had breast augmentation. I don't know that I will ever be able to get my genitals repaired, but if I am unable to do so... I have gotten to a place where looking at myself nakid no longer freaks me out or turns my stomach.

I might not be 100% female, but I am accepted as a female by my peers and most of society.

I'd call that a win.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Silenced again.

So I went to Dirts blog yesterday. Read one of her hate filled screeds and it turns out I agreed with her point.
So I said as much in a post. I also mentioned in my post that I was MTF.
So my response's were deleted by Dirt.

Dirt wishes to maintain the facade that everyone who is trans hates her and always uses hate filled invective against her.
She can't have a trans 'trender' agreeing with her. No, that somehow threatens to derail her arguments. I guess.... I mean after all, we are just walking talking hate crimes on feet. If we are peaceful and nice that makes her point go by the way of the dinosaur.

Poor Dirt can't stand that we exist. She has made it her life's journey to fight against FTM transsexuality. But the thing is, she can't stop people from transition. The cat is out of the bag. Like she eagerly points out....the medical machine (that is a male thing BTW...) makes a ton of cash off of us. Next point that stands in Dirts way is the fact that she is not professionally qualified in anyway to counsel those with GID, or to argue against medical transition. No PH.D graces her wall, no certificates indicating she has become a competent member of the mental health community. She only has her own opinions and the fact that she is a woman going for her in this argument.

I find myself wondering how long will it be before one of the trans men she convinces to detransition kills himself due to gender angst?

X files and crazy theories!

Let us completely take it in another direction shall we?

Conspiracy theories!

Do you believe any wild theories? Are aliens controlling the government? What really happened in Roswell? Is the lone shooter a believable explanation? These and other ‘crazy’ ideas are part of our culture. Indeed many cultures thrive on crazy theories. The Middle Eastern countries peoples love a good conspiracy theory.

So what are some of the crazy assed fringe things I believe to be true or that I wonder about?

The Earth is Hollow. Not only is it hollow but the inside is populated by the supposed ‘Aliens’. (Which if the aliens come from the inner earth then that makes them indigenous to the planet and not aliens at all but terrestrials.) Not only is the earth hollow but our government is in contact with the ‘aliens’. The Hollow Earth theory can take up days of interesting and wacko reading. Simply type Hollow Earth into a search engine and have fun reading.

Chemtrails are real. This one makes me go hmmmmm. I have been around for decades, watching the skies. I know what a contrail looks like. And I know what a chemtrail looks like. There is a difference. I highly suggest that you read into this one. I am convinced they are spraying us but why I have no clue. It could be for the greater good (which I hope is the case) or it could be for nefarious reasons. Once again a simple search of chemtrail will give you ample reading. YouTube has some good videos of planes defiantly dumping chemtrails.

Buildings on Mars. Buildings on the moon. If it is a crock of crap then why are many maps of both obviously edited with large areas of smudging? Have fun with this one. If there are buildings on the other planets that the space agencies are covering up, then who put them there? Are they Alien buildings or are they our buildings? Do we have lunar and Martian bases that the public is unaware of? Go to YouTube and do a search of said topic. It will provide you plenty of goof off time.

My all time favorite is Planet X. Nibiru. The Twelfth Planet. The return of the Annunaki. There is a planet in our solar system that has a 3,600 year orbit that takes it well inside the inner solar system when closest to the sun and far beyond Pluto at its farthest point of its orbit. This planet is the home of the Annunaki. (which I believe is the cover story the ‘Aliens’ from the inner earth used to bullshit our ancestors. How the hell could a planet that goes so far from the sun and then so close to it sustain life? Unlikely I say.) Once again a search engine will provide you with plenty of reading material for this subject.

Have fun feeding your brain mental junk food. It can be fun and an exercise in mental masturbation that can be very engaging.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY!

The 4th has come again. Let the revelry begin. Backyard BBQ's, pick up ball games, gambling, drinking, sex and of course the all important defining mark of the 4th. FIREWORKS!

Chances are I will decline on the revelry. Not because I am against the holdiday. I am just too beat up to enjoy most of the fun. Age sets in fast for those of my heritage who happen to have the misfortune of having a Y gene.
It just gets too late for me to watch the fireworks then endure an hour+ long drive home.
Anyways...I digress.

We should celebrate the 4th and remember why our forefathers rose up in rebelion. The government was being a pack of totalitarian, corrupt, shitbags. Sound familiar?

Our current government is becoming the monolithic totalitarian evil we need to stand against.
We have a military indutrial complex running the show.
We have a prison industrial complex developing at home that is a convieniant place to make enemies of the state disapear.
We have a corporate indutrial complex in thrall of the military complex that catters to the masters every whim.
For a free nation we incarcerate an aweful lot of people. I won't even bother citing any figures. The figures are out there and already well known by any educated informed person.
For a free nation we spend an aweful lot of money taking the freedom of other nations.

I posit that we are indeed not living in a free nation, but rather we are living under a despot greater than King George of old was.

What can we even hope to do?
Nothing from what I can see.
We are royaly screwed.

The idea of revolution at this point is a ludicrous proposition.
Shall we fight tanks and military aircraft with our rifles and IED's?
LOL
We can see how well that is working over seas. Those who fight our military are ground to a pulp. Even once powerful nations can be brought too their knees in no time with our miliary might. Iraq was a powerhouse in the middle east and how long did it take us to pwn the joint? Yeah, the insurgants are still causeing issues, but that is all. They are just a thorn in the ass. And too be honest I suspect that we allow some 'bad guys' to stay in operation just so as to give us an enemy to maintain the fight.
War is big buisness ya know....

Vote?
LOL
Seriously?
Elections have been being riged since the days of Athens. There is no true democracy. Even when democracy does work and the peoples canidates are voted in it only takes about 3 days on average before the politician gets bought or intimidated into submision by the powers that be.

So today go out and blast those fireworks, eat hotdogs by the dozen and party in celebration of what a bunch of colonials could do that we can not. Secure their freedom.
Maybe by keeping this tradition alive to influence future generations some where in the future the woman or man who is in a position to overthrow our masters does so.

Happy 4th of July. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Soon

On the 8th of July I will get a breast augmentation surgery.
I am very anxious and somewhat scared.
I am not looking forward to the pain, but I know that I will be very happy once the healing process is finished.
:)

I should be silenced.

I hate it when I am attacked and belittled by those who do not agree with me.
I have NEVER made a personal attack on anyone in the TS/TG argument.
I have argued the points and stood my ground but I have never made it personal.
There have been cases where some others have made it personal and have attacked me. I am not going to link anything to demonstrate. The main attaker is in my opinion likely from an abusive family where verbal assualt and social attacks were comon place.

The saddest part to me is that I ussed to really like the person who hates me.

Do I say things that I regret on occasion?
Yes.
I am human, I am prone to sticking my foot in my mouth. I also have been known to change my opinion and modify my beliefs, thereby making something I have said in the past of non consequence.
And sometimes I will talk allot of shit just too simply piss someone off because I know it pushes someones buttons.

I do cringe when someone takes the time to quote me but I own my shit.
However, I do not like it when I get lied about, words put in my mouth and outright lies posted about me and directly quoting me when I said nothing.

Like I said in the past, just wait, I will say something stupid. You do not have too lie about me just to make me look bad.

Spearmint for hair reduction.

Spearmint tea is a great addition to the arsenal of the transitioning woman. Spearmint has a chemical in it that has anti androgenic properties. Mainly it acts on the follicles of the facial and body hair, interrupting the androgen receptors in the follicle that would signal the need to produce hair when testosterone is present. It does not interfere with the hair on your head, which is a big bonus to many of us trans women. (me included!)
For centuries women have used spearmint to combat unwanted body hair. Turkish researchers have confirmed that the stuff works.
Trans women can add spearmint to their regimen of HRT without fear of side effects and it is rather effective. I have used spearmint tea to great effect. Prior to drinking the tea I was on estrogen and anti androgens but my body hair had only responded in a minor way. I was rather upset as I would shave 2 times a day and I couldn’t keep up with the hair. Then I read about spearmint and I was intrigued. After procuring a pound of bulk spearmint for about $15 USD I started to drink a quart of tea a day. I would drink half in the morning and half in the evening. It took about a month to notice any results but eventually I started to see it. My body hair grows in allot slower. I can go a week or two before I need to reshave my legs. My face I can go two days before I need a shave, whereas before I needed to shave twice a day to control that hideous shadow. Also the thickness of the individual hairs and the density of hair have substantially reduced. My hair is much more femme than before.
I call spearmint tea my “HRTea”. Spearmint has medicinal properties beyond hair reduction it treats fever, flu, cold or to calm nervous stomach.
The way I like to do it is to make a quart of strong spearmint and black tea in the morning. I drink half and save half for latter in the day as it is best like many medications to do more than one dose daily. Spreading it out 12 hours apart would work best but as I like to add regular tea to my brew for flavor I don’t drink it to late in the evening due to the caffeine.

Here is the recipe I use:

HRTea
I boil a quart of water after it boils reduce the heat to simmer and throw in about 1/6-1/4 of an ounce of tea to the water (a moderate handful). Add a teaspoon of lemon and a small pinch of salt. (the lemon adds acidity to the water and assists the chemicals to release from the plant material) For flavor you can also add a couple of normal tea bags. Cover and let sit for 15 minutes. The brew needs to steep for at least 15 minutes, as this is how long it takes for the majority of the anti androgen to release from the plant material. Then strain. Sugar and lemon make it yummy.

Silenced and erased.

I just hate it when I make a well thought out counter point to another bloggers post and they refuse to publish it. Especially if I have taken care to be respectable and not use ad homenem attacks and straw man arguments I should not be censored. If I am so wrong as to be censored then perhaps I am right even in the mind of the censor and as such the censor is somehow placed in peril.
I hate it when people moderate comments on their bloggs. They make it look like the world agrees with them without any dissent. They seek to look like purvey ours of sacred dogma and text it seems to me.

Why is it that some people are so insecure in their 'unassailable' opinions that they can not even stand a taste of scrutiny? If your opinions are so rock solid, use them to soundly trounce me for having the audacity to question you on such a lofty subject.

We are living in a time when people will only listen to those who parrot what they believe. Critical thought and scrutiny of that which is supposedly sacred is verboten.

This is a shame. No idea or opinion should be free of scrutiny or in depth analysis.

I hate it when people seek to silence and erase those who do not agree with them.

This space I leave free to anyone to say whatever. As long as you are not coming here and posting national secrets publicly, I could give 2 shits what you say. I believe that those who disagree with me deserve their say.
Wish I got the same respect.

I can't win.

One of the trans support sites I frequent has been loosing members due to the transgender/transsexual word war.
I am not without blame. I have been more than willing to dive into the fray and partake of the gift of battle. (a definate hold over from my man indoctrination) I have opinions and I feel that I should have the right to shoot off my mouth just as much as the average person.
However,it seems that even when I keep it civil those who are not part of the conflict are getting emotionaly hurt and taking great offence to the fact that there is a fight going on in there midst.

I can not be part of this fight anymore. At least for now. I am mainly involved in the trans comunity to help those girls who I conect with and help them come too terms with their gender. Help them transition. I didn't become involved with the trans comunity to be political. This has happened but it was not my original purpose. My main purpose was at first too just survive. I have done that and I stayed in the comunity to pay it forward.

I can't assist anyone transition if I am caught up in a semantics war that is driving those who are more easily hurt away from the comunity I wish too serve.

bathroom tactics

I have said this before a number of times but I think I shall say it again.

First I want to direct your attention the Zoe Brains recent blog entry.

http://aebrain.blogspot.com/2011/05/collect-set.html

If you didn't look it is about how the people who equate trans women to predator men keep recycling the same video of a man going into the women's room right after a little girl does. The old saw that gender variant people are no different than a pedophile keeps coming up time and time again.

Anyways....
I left a response to her post that I shall recycle here....

"The only way I can see defeating the bathroom bills is to show up to the public debates in large groups and use the bathrooms of our births. If a bunch of lawmakers, lobbyists and citizens are subjected to trans women in the men's room and trans men in the women's room they would become very uncomfortable. They have power to make that discomfort go away with laws. (see where this is going?)
If we take up the men's room with girl talk and female primping and communication while these males are there they will be much more likely to pass a law that makes this discomfort go away. The same with the women's room with trans men using the toilets like urinals and smelling up the place with testosterone smells, the female law makers and citizens will be seriously put out by this and will insist that their comfort be addressed.
They want to talk about men in the women's room? Demonstrate too them it doesn't work the way they want it too no matter what they do.
Only by changing tactics can we hope to win the bathroom war."

I do not mean just debates about gender protection laws or closed minded laws of exclusion. I am talking everywhere a congressman goes pee he should have a hoard of trans women using his toilets. Target his aides. Do it in large groups. Stay safe. If they want to portray us as a bathroom menace show them they are not thinking this through. If they wish to make it mandatory for trans women to use the men's room remind them it works both ways. Who really thinks the average man of transsexual history belongs in the ladies toilets? I don't think that a pack of FTM body builders would be truly welcome in a local city hall women's toilet. But by the bigots rules they would legally require it.

Make them think beyond the now. Beyond their narrow prejudice.

On words and their origens

The word Transgender was coined by Victoria (Charles) Prince. He (yes I use he, he used he) coined the term transgender to differentiate himself from transsexuals. He wanted to live the life as a woman as a man and he did not want to get any surgeries. Transgender women by this definition are men.

This definition has not had staying power.
The word has morphed over time to represent all people who go outside societies current social rules in regards to gender. Included are Transsexuals, transgender, cross dressers, androgyns, gender queer, and some others that don't come to mind right now.
The word is used as a political term that seeks to bring allot of different groups together for political purposes.
Yet many of the transsexual community object strenuously against any association with the term transgender. They hold onto the original meaning of the word transgender as Victoria Prince used it. The idea of being equated to men in dresses is abhorrent to many women of transsexual history and I can understand that very much. I am transsexual myself.

However...

Using the term transgender in a political way is not equating men in dresses with transsexuals. It is meerly an acknowledgement that we share common political goals.

Currently the idea of distancing myself from a cross dresser seems to be counter intuitive. I am not a cross dresser. But I understand that a bigot does not see any difference between me and a cross dresser. A bigot only sees someone who must be punished for transgressing social norms. That makes the cross dresser my natural ally. For the enemy of my enemy should be my friend.

So I am a bad person.

Seems that a certain someone won't let it go. She has taken to lieing about me on her blog. Posting things that sound really off the wall and atributing them to me. I know I say wierd shit and I often put my foot in my mouth but damn...Just wait. You don't need to make things up about me to make me look bad. I will invariably step in a pile of shit soon enough. Just sit back and wait. It'll happen.

Word wars and the casualties that result.

Yesterday we had a girl at one of the forums I frequent almost delete her account and facebook.
What triggered this girl?

Seems she stumbled into a hotbed of vipers. Those who participate in the TS/TG word wars.
As one of these vipers who participate in the word wars I felt rather bad and immediately shot her off a private message expressing my sorrow and extending any apologies if it was something I had said.
Turns out it wasn't anything I did or said. It was others who had triggered her.

She is young and very recently out and at the beginning of her transition. She is just still figuring things out and where she fits into this world. Then she stumbles into arguments over gold star transsexuals and men in dress's.
Yeah not good.

I will admit that the factions I see are very polarized over things that we shouldn't be polarized over.

I said it before and i will say it again.
A basher will not differentiate between a gold star (passing privilege does not protect against being outed) or a cross dresser. He will beat you into a pulp if he can. He does not see a woman or a guy having a lark out and about town. He sees a pervert that needs to be made to pay. To the basher, anyone who transgresses what he sees as societies rules, is fair game. Fair game for whatever form of punishment the basher sees fit. Weather it be public ridicule or outright homicide, all of us who are different are fair game.


I understand that there are women who do not want to be equated to men in dress's. That is understandable. But we are equated to men in dress's in the eyes of those who hate us all.
It will take a long time to change society. Especially with so few numbers as we currently have.
Meanwhile we need to band together with as many people as possible. Those who are othered by society are our natural allies. The entire LGBT/T should be treated with difference and respect by anyone who fits into that group. We need each other. Regardless of the differences and personal issue we may have with each other we need each other to get this society to move forward. No one small sliver of society can get the job done on it's own.

Anyways....
If we can somehow band together and stop the infighting maybe we can avoid the casualties. Luckily this time around it was meerly a flesh wound and our young peer seems no worse for the wear. But what if she had deleted her accounts? Without the support group she has reached out too she very well could have detransitoned as a result. I am pretty sure we all know how dangerous detransition is. Detransition often equals death.

Transgender Borg!?

I have been called a member of the transgender borg. Apparently because I will not agree to the opinions of some others in the TS community.

Did you know there is a TS/TG bitch fest going on? Yep. Seems I have stumbled into a hornets nest of TS who hate the idea of men in the women's room. Well it isn't that simple. They are opposed to men in dresses [Cross Dressing Men] using the Lady's room. But who exactly are these men in dresses going to the potty? From what I can tell it is a small tiny percentage of the populace who are male cross dressers. Literally men who like to dress as women. Typically it is a heterosexual male out and about. Often with a wife or girlfriend. Granted the idea of this man in the ladies restroom is kinda odd.
Now if he is in the restroom what is he doing there? I would wager that in the vast majority of cases that he wants to piss in peace and not worry about one of the men in the men's room beating him or raping him.
The women's room is simply safer.
Now I must ask the reader....If this is such a big issue please point out the news reports of men being a constant menace in the ladies room.

Who is the next group of 'men in dresses' going to the ladies room? Gay males who are performers. Drag Queens. The local gay bar I like to frequent has the lady boys use the women's room. It is a matter of presentation. When they are dressed as males they go to the men's and when they are en femme they use the ladies.
What nefarious deeds are those gay men up to in the ladies room anyways?

Next in our men in dresses subsection of the populace are full time transgender women and non/op transsexuals who would take great offense to being called men. It is only the fact that they have a penis that identifies them as male. Indeed they are women who for whatever personal reasons have decided to not opt for genital surgery. These reasons are solely the choices of these women. It is not for anyone to second guess these women on their personal life or what is in their panties.

Next in our list is the pre-op transsexual woman. A woman may be pre-op for years before she has the resources to get surgery. Should we send her to the men's room? She looks like a woman, she talks like a woman, she conducts herself daily as a woman and she even thinks like a typical woman. Should her penis, which I assure you she is dreadfully ashamed of, keep her out of the ladies room?


It is simply not safe for an individual who looks like a female to go to the men's restroom. Men are much more likely to inflict violence or rape than women. Especially if they are dealing with a male they do not respect or makes them feel repressed homoerotic rage.

I understand that the real issue here is uneducated males and male aggression but we can not just throw vulnerable people to the proverbial lions while society gets its shit together.

I also understand that some women are uncomfortable with males in their space. But I ask my fellow females...when is the last time you heard of a man dressed as a woman harming a woman in a public ladies room? How many times in the last 10 years have you heard of this problem?

You haven't. Because it would be a death blow to the fragile ego of most straight males to be caught in a dress, let alone being caught committing a sex offense in a dress. The very few 'straight males' who do cross dress in public do so typically late at night and in select bars and establishments. Or they will be out and about with their wife at the mall 3 towns away. The vast majority of males who are in dress's are not males at all. The few that actually are men have not made an issue of themselves.

So who the hell are we really worried about in the ladies room I am left asking?



Anyways...
Why do I even care?

If the law becomes that a person with a penis must use the men's room then the automatic becomes that people with vagina's will have to use the ladies room.
This will be a bad idea.
This will force allot of MTF into men's rooms and the FTM into the men's room. Women are upset that a man is in their bathroom? Wait until they have FTM's in their restrooms. Now there really are men in the women's loo.

Also the final point and this one is personal.
Sevan is androgyn. Sevan is on testosterone. Sevan has no intentions to fully transition.
A few years from now Sevan is going to look like a mix of male and female. Beard and breasts. If we press this vagina's only in the women's room issue and it becomes law then Sevan is going to get flack from someone somewhere regardless of which bathroom ze uses. If someone thinks Sevan is male and ze is in the female bathroom then is ze going to have to prove to some cop ze has a vagina?
What if ze goes to the men's room and there is a dicks only policy and someone decides to press the issue and call the genital cops. This time not only must ze bare all ze will be getting a citation for using the wrong toilet.

I hope you have a good day and a better tomorrow.

Cynthia Lee

Had a couple more surgeries.

On March 2nd I had a bifemoral aortic bypass. This was a major surgery that very well could have killed me. I have mostly recovered from the surgery and I am well on my way to healing.

On April 25th I had a bilateral orchidectomy. For those who don't know what that is it is a simple castration. Both of my testicles were removed leaving the penis and scrotum intact for future SRS, should I opt to get it.

I am very happy to be free of them. Now I no longer need to worry about taking anti androgens and I can cut my estrogen intake down. Also I might be one of the lucky girls and get a secondary round of feminization.

Anyways ...
I know I should post more often but I get side tracked alot.

Hello again.

I know I havent posted in a while...Sorry.

So I had a surgery on my arm recently. I had an ulnar translocation I think it was called. Any ways I went in to see the doc the other day. She removed about 1/3 of the stitches in my arm. She wants to remove the rest of them next week. One nice thing that has come of this.... I have plenty of extra opiates saved back. (what can I say....I hoard drugs.)


My body has changed enough over the last 16 months that except for a certain body part it looks like a girls body.

It really struck me the last few days. I have just recently been able to be naked (with underwear on) and I am ok. That's big for me. I haven't been able to stand being naked longer than the time it takes to have sex or to sleep since I was about 13 and the body hair and male muscles started showing up. Now that I have neither and have added the trace of some curve I don't have that problem so much.
If I am awake, I have clothes on. However, I spent a good 2 hours without a shirt or bra on yesterday. I probably would have gone longer but I had a health care worker over yesterday so I had to get properly dressed.

Can't wait for a boob job....

Anyways.
That is where I am with my transition now.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee