Body, Social and Mind dysphoria ~Sevan

Chart by @Cassiebebop

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at a picture and instantly felt sad or dysphoric about how you perceive yourself? If you're trans*, of course you have!

I recently discovered this graphic online, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE! However, I believe that some things can't be so easily categorized, and that makes those things so much more powerful because of the potential for it to have an effect on the physical, social and mental self. For example, if you look in the mirror and are hit with negative feelings about yourself. You're seeing how you look physically, which may not line up with what you'd like to see. You may feel social pressure to present or appear differently and mentally because our minds can warp what we see in the mirror and focus on aspects of ourselves that don't give us the full picture.

To illustrate this point, I think back to early in Cyndi's transition. She would come out of the bedroom in the morning and look forlorn. I would ask her what was wrong and she would express feeling as though she looked very masculine, or as if "she was never going to pass". This very rarely lined up with what I saw in my wife, and it left me unsure which of us wasn't seeing the full truth. I suspect both of us honestly. She was seeing all her traits that she didn't like, and I generally focus on far more positive traits because I love her. My responses rarely helped her to feel less dysphoric though, as her feelings were reflecting her inner beliefs.

I know that I can get this way too. Though for me it's more about pictures than mirrors. (likely because I tend to avoid mirrors, mostly because of their dysphoria risk.) I try very hard to look at a picture of myself without judgement. Depending on the day and my mood at the time, I have varying success at being non-judgmental with myself.

So what can be done about this? How does one deal with this issue? I believe that everyone has their own way, and their own coping mechanisms that work for them. One thing that's worked for me is taking the focus off visual cues and focusing more on other senses. I like the way I smell, so I focus on that. I feel validated when I run my fingers across my facial hair stubble, or through my hair. When I am faced with a picture or myself in the mirror, I try to focus on things I do like so that I'm not focusing on negatives. For me that's my ears, shoulders, smile/lips and freckles.

What do you do when you're faced with dysphoria from the mirror or pictures?

Shaving done right!

To get a really close shave: before you shave do a hot moist towel pack over your face for about 3-5 minutes. If the towels are cooling down before you feel a distinctive tingle in the skin then have an extra hot towel ready. After the tingle starts (feels good doesn't it?) then apply your shaving cream/gel/oil or whatever you use and start shaving. Men's facial gel is meant to keep the pores open and "masculine" which certainly is not the look our ladies are going for. I like Aveno because it keeps the redness down and does not open the pores.


After the shave, use some witch hazel. Yes, there is a very mild sting on the places you have nicked yourself. (don't nick yourself, use a good razor)

5 minutes after you have used the witch hazel you should start to feel some dry tightening in the skin. This is the time to apply your moisturizer. Wait until the drying tightening before moisturizing, as this is your pores all closing up, which is good because you do not want to moisturize with the pores open as this leads to zits and black heads.

If you plan to use make up wait 10 minutes after moisturizing before you put on your face.

If you do all this, you will get the closest shave of your life.



Now let us talk your razor blade...it should be a man’s razor as women’s razors are crap, designed to be only good for a couple of shaves and they dull fast. It should be at least a 3 bladed razor. The Gillette Mach 3 is a good disposable that will last a number of times before you throw it away. The Gillette Fusion and the Shick Hydro are both good razors that will provide many uses before they crap out on you.

Spokane Trans* People documents ~Sevan

Hey all!
So I'm the facilitator of my local trans* support/social group. I think I've mentioned that a time or four. ;) So in prep for Pride we've been creating many documents for us to share, as well as our own version of the Trans* flag! I'd love to see our hard work shared and used to educate and bring people together.

Here is a PDF brochure that's aimed at educating allies.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to MtF identity.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to FtM identity.
Here is a PDF brochure that's a 101 introduction to Genderqueer/Non-binary identities.
Here is a PDF hand out that's a glossary of terms for transgender concepts.

Last but most certainly not least...here's our version of the trans* flag.

From top to bottom the colors represent MtF (Blue, to pink) Non binary identities represented by the purple and white stripe, and FtM (pink to blue)

Dr. Oz "Transgender Families" ~Sevan

Today's Dr. Oz show dealt with transgender issues. I was nervous when I first saw the title "Transgender Families: When my husband became a woman" but I have always been of the mind that "any press is good press" if it's presented in even a slightly positive light. This show left me very sad however.

I understand what a vast and huge issue it is to tackle gender and transgender issues in a 101 setting. I just spoke to the youth at a local LGBT center about transgender identities and it's definitely a challenge!

As someone who's not surgically tracked I was very dismayed that they portrayed "the surgery" as the end all/be all. Calling it "the point of no return" and not even MENTIONING all the hard work of therapy, hormones, hair removal and social transition that precedes bottom surgery.

Also there was not a single mention of FtMs or the other vast variety of identities that the Transgender umbrella encompasses. Literally not one sentence about FtMs. Amazing! Based on the title I knew it was going to be trans-female focused. I was prepared for that. I don't even think it's a bad idea to par down the overwhelming topic of transgender identity/life. To not even mention it once though? I was surprised. Even Dr. McGinn; who preforms surgery for transmen didn't mention them.

I am impressed by the three women who bravely shared their lives with us on this show. They answered the questions with grace and kindness. They were well spoke and I really appreciated their stories. I'm so glad that we can see such pillars of our community represented. I just wish Dr. Oz had done a bit more, and stretched a bit further rather than sticking to the "the surgery" line of thinking.
Not everyone can afford surgery. I feel as though his presentation shows the masses that you are a man until the day you enter the surgical suite. That "the surgery" is what makes you a woman. This is false and incorrect! This is bordering on harmful. All three of the women profiled were lucky enough, and had the ability to work hard enough to afford that surgery and healthy enough to go through with bottom surgery. Not every woman is so lucky or able! Are they any less of a woman? No. They are not. Their identity should be just as valid, and in my eyes...*is* just as valid.

Thank you Dr. Oz for tackling such a topic, however you fell short of what I thought you could do with this. I know that many people listen to you who might not hear anything about transgender people at all and so I appreciate the attempt...but I'm sad at all that was missed, avoided, or shuffled under the rug.

Gender Therapists

A good gender therapist will not put you through an inquisition to prove your gender to them. They will be helpful and knowledgeable about Trans issues and be able to provide referrals to services that will help you transition. They will screen you for co morbid psychiatric issues and determine that you demonstrate that you have a firm knowledge of the risks that come with transition.


If you get a gender therapist that tries to critique your wardrobe or deportment, or criticize you for not conforming to all their preconceived notions of femininity, fire that person and find a new therapist.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Bigender dysphoria ~Sevan

I'm going to go against my desire to continue on in hibernation and quiet and attempt to write something. (It would appear I haven't written on this blog since Nov!! And Sept before that. Hmm. For someone who journals daily you'd think I'd blog more often. Eh.)

First. What is bigender? (in my personal experience. These terms are still new[ish] and up for interpretation and sculpting) I experience it as being something akin to a yin yang.

There's my male side (Evan) who has that little spot of my female side,(Sara) there's my Sara who has that little spot of Evan; and there's the whole of me: Sevan. An attempt at incorporating them both into the whole...most the time that works, that's a happy space, it's fine and shared...and Sara and Evan bicker and disagree, they love each other and agree...it's all in my head...mostly. None of that spills out and is expressed for fear of appearing crazy. For fear of appearing like someone with multiple personalities, for stigma...there's many reasons to just keep this to myself. Cyndi knows of the identities. She knows there's still division of self...that rift never was healed. But it's not bad or painful for me most the time. It's just the way my mind works. It's split in two. That's ok. We work together...most the time. It's when we don't work together that dysphoria kicks in and is nasty.

There seems to be a misconception that non-binary people don't experience dysphoria. While that may be true for some, I know many who do experience dysphoria and depression stemming from their gender identity. I struggle with the idea of "speaking for all non-binary people" because it's a wide expanse of people and experiences and identities. I can only speak for myself, and perhaps some will identify with me and not feel alone.

So my dysphoria seems to come out when one of my two sides feels unseen or "closeted"...(for lack of better term.) Since I live in a world that is binary I have to present in a binary fashion. As such I always present female at work. Working 40hrs a week and having an hour commute per day...this leaves very few hours for any male expression, hobbies or just time. This can lead some pain.

Being on T I do have facial hair now. Still not a whole lot, but enough to need to shave every other day. Due to my work schedule I nearly never get to experience my beard. That can cause alot of dysphoria. Living in a binary world where I can't be me, I can't be flexible, I can't express both sides of myself.

Dysphoria can spring up on me. I can think that I'm doing well, balancing fine and then suddenly there's some issue over clothing for the day, or someone hyper gendering me female (oddly this happens alot. I'm not just assumed to be female..but I'm assumed to be REALLY female. Just because I like unbifurcated clothing? Hmf.)

I don't have an answer for this. The world isn't likely to STOP being binary anytime soon. Understanding is power though. In sharing our experiences we can see our similarities.

Sexual Shaming is Nonsense!

So one of the things I had recently thrown in my face, by a transsexual none the less, was that Sevan and I transitioned to put some spice in our sex life, that there must have been boredom in the bedroom.

I wouldn't expect to see the 'transsexuals do it for a sexual thrill' meme coming from a transsexual. But this is the opinion of many people who are not transsexual. Apparently an opinion held by at least one transsexual woman, which leads me to question her motives for transitioning. But I am not her therapist...

I would be a liar to say that there is not a sexual component to my transition, that just goes with the territory of the human experience.
That transsexuals should have sexual desires and needs should come of no surprise to anyone.
What we should be chaste and pure as fresh snow?
Well pardon me for living!

The conversation that lead to the smear is not important, what is important is that society constantly engages in sexual shaming to silence and other. Which is silly when you think about it. Using another persons sexuality as some form of leverage in a conversation is like pointing out that an opponent breathes air and claiming they are wrong for doing so.

My transition is no different than any other person's transition. It is about bringing my body and mind into congruence and being seen by society as the woman I am. Anything else is just gravy.

/end rant

Happy New Year

Sorry we haven't posted in so long.

Life is in that rather boring state of day to day. Not much going on to be honest.

We had a decent Holiday Season.

I hope everyone out there had a good time over the holidays.

2012 is on us. On the 21st of December we will see the reseting of the Mayan long count calander. I highly doubt there will be anything to write home about but on the off chance I am wrong on this, may this be a good year if it is to be our last.
;)

On the transition front there is nothing new to report. Which is good and bad. I seem to have grown into my life as a woman with ease, but I am still stuck pre op.
Saving money for my surgery is nearly impossible in this economy. Unless things turn around for every one we are stuck.
Here is hopeing the economy turns around for all of us!

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Things that do not shame me. And a rant.

I am not shamed when you point out my flaws.
I am not shamed because I am HIV+.
I am not shamed because I am bisexual.
I am not shamed because I am transsexual.

Nothing you say can hurt me.
Nothing you say can silence me.
Nothing you say can make me go away.
Nothing you say can take away my humanity.

News Flash: I am not beholden to anyone to comply with social norms that I do not agree with. There is no law you can invoke that gives you the right to condemn me or anyone else for their transition. There is no law you can invoke to make transsexuals go away.

I really do not understand why it is important to some people that others are transitioning.

One hateful blog comes to mind particularly. We shall call her blog 'unclean caucasian male' because I certainly do not care to add traffic to her site. Why is it so important that she insert herself into the trans dialogue? She is a cisgender female. She does not even have a pony in this race yet she battles against the 'male medical machiene' to stop FTM's from transitioning.
Why?
Certainly there must be some moment in her life that has fueled her passion to fight against FTM transition.
I wonder what it is?

Back on point.
Transsexuals exist. We have existed in some form or another from the gender bending shaman to the Phrygian Priestess to the berdache of the Americas to the modern day transsexual. We have been here since time started. How on earth does anyone think they can make transsexuals go away simply by complaining about us?

Two year anniversary coming up! ~Sevan

Today I dressed in one of my normal black tops and green pants. My previous goal was to minimize my chest and highlight other areas of my body. Now that my breasts are so much smaller (thanks to reduction surgery) my attire continues minimize my chest which is really not helpful. I need some new tops and I need to figure out how to dress for my new body type. I was googling how to accentuate and dress for smaller chest. Now I just need the finances to go and get new attire! lol. I need to stop wearing black tops. That I do know. It's not helping. It makes me look like I have no breasts at all. Which is fine and awesome when I'm feeling more male but not so helpful at work and when I want to be more fem.

My transition really started around this time two years ago. While I didn't start testosterone until Feb...I found the term androgyn and discovered my name Sevan and really started exploring all things bi-gender and transition and gender in general. So coming up on that anniversary and having this surgery has turned me introspective. Especially now that my mind is cleared thanks to needing less (but not none...yet...) pain medication.

My facial hair has been coming in thicker and blacker...I want to say recently but apparently it's been like this for a little while and I'm only just noticing. *shrugs* either way...having noticed that and having just had surgery...I'm feeling very...settled. I'm feeling really *in my skin* and even as though I need less testosterone. I've been using half tube for many days now and I'm ok with it. Previously I've been using a mix of full daily doses and half doses in a confusing mix that I can't really describe without a calendar and a pointer. lol! Since surgery I've only needed just half dose every day. I think I've had one day in there where I used a full tube. (the tubes are tiny and meant as "daily dosing") I'm feeling...like I'm right where I need to be. For once!!! It's a really nice feeling. My mind hasn't worried at gender since surgery. It's just been...quiet. Any worry or concern has been financial or family or any other "normal" worry. I can't say that I will be able to stay in this mental comfortable place...that's the androgyn struggle...the marker for which to aim for seems to constantly be moving and adjusting but for now...I'm good. I wasn't sure that'd be possible!

It's really just bonkers to think I'm essentially...done transitioning. I'm done. I've done all the active things I want/need. I'm on testosterone, I've had my surgery...the only thing left is to legally change my name. That was a BIG push for me mentally when I found my middle name but logically it just can't really happen right now. I mourned that...and then got over it. It'll happen when it happens. Those that know the real me call me Sevan. Any new person into my life knows me only as Sevan. That's...good enough for now. It's ok. I made it. Cyndi made it. The whole house has just...quieted. When I read back entries from two years ago...all I was talking about was gender, gender, gender. I was in a mental race to learn all I could and dig in to end the dysphoria as fast as I could. Between Cyndi's transition and my own...there was just no real time for anything else. Cyndi has some electrolysis left but...eh. That's it. (In fairness it's probably easier for me to say that..lol!) It feels so good to have gotten here. I couldn't even really envision it before. I have no doubt that dysphoria will come back, rear up at some point in the future...but I've got the tools and knowledge to deal with it now.

I was looking around the room of our trans support meeting on Saturday and I was thinking back to when we started. I think there were...3 people? Somewhere in that range. Now we've got 13+. Not everyone comes every meeting, and that's absolutely ok. I'm just so proud to see it thriving, warm and inviting. (I hope that's how we come across anyway...)

We've come a long long way in two years. It just feels so good to have arrived.

Life is normal now.

It would seem that 2 years into transition, life has settled into a new normal.

My book Saga: the Game has come a long way but it needs some more work.
The play test version is available from lulu.com

This is the download.
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/saga-the-game/17345439?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/3

Here is the actual book.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/saga-the-game/17273982?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1

If any one out there gets either...I am aware of the gramatical errors and I really do not need input on that issue. I am working on those issues.
What I really need is a review of the mechanix and usser friendly aspects.

Anyways.
I would like to get this book in a finished format with art work and perhaps a hard cover but my artists have been kinda slow getting me art.

Thank you for reading.

Sorry I have been away...

Sorry I have not posted in so long.

Sevan had a breast reduction last week. Ze is still in rough shape but on the mend.

Things are at a borring normal. This was the goal of my transition. Normal and ho hum. I am not looking for much excitement in life.
I am much happier staying at home and just goofing off.

Hopefully my game group can get back togather and start playing again. It has been too long.

Anyways.
Can't promise a post any time soon but I will try.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

My first go at transition.

I tried to transition at 22. However, I ran into a very bad psychiatrist who told me I was trying to live out a sexual fetish and I was only going to ruin my life. He told me I was sick and that the only way to cure myself was to stop dressing en femme and to get married and have children.


I was 22. I believed every word he told me. After all he was the doctor and there were transsexual women out there who had to go to doctors to transition. Obviously, he could tell the difference between a transsexual and a pervert. He said I was a pervert.

I did not know that not all doctors where not on the same page. I did not know that there are different schools of thought and differing medical opinions on Trans people.

It failed of course.

I eventually transitioned at 41.

Turns out, the doctor was wrong. I was not a pervert or a deviant. I was just a young woman who crossed paths with a very bad doctor.

That doctor ruined my life. I was so young and impressionable. I took what he said to heart.

I am happy to be were I am today, but I can not help to wonder what my life would have been like if I had been able to transition as a young woman.

Testosterone for androgyns/3rd gender/non-binary folk

While I am not some sort of...expert on the topic...I wanted some information to be out there. When I first started looking I did hear whispers about female bodied persons seeking transition to...not entirely male. I heard about people who knew someone who knew someone who one time was on "low dose T" for androgyns. But...that was about all the info I could find and looking back...most of that was wrong information.

I know we can't discuss dosages here, and that's fine. I won't be discussing that. Everyone is different, reacts differently and must seek professional advice from their prescribing doctor. Super duper important.

First thing I'd like to talk about in this is something I only just learned. (though once I learned it...it's kinda one of those..."oh duh." things.) Female born persons don't have testosterone blockers in their body. So...when we take testosterone, our levels appear much higher than those of male bodied persons. (as described to me by my doctor.) This is an ok thing. This actually makes it a little bit difficult to take something one might consider a "low dose".

When I started T (a little less than two years ago) I did so thinking I was taking a "lose dose". When I had my blood levels checked...I was shocked to find that based on my blood work, it was NOT a low dose for me. I was in fact, in full male/FtM range. However...I found the dosage to be very therapeutic. I freaked out about that and had a bit of a "what does this mean!? Am I actually FtM now that I'm in this range of T, and finding it therapeutic!?" and with thearpy and some time, therapy and thinking it through...no. That doesn't make me male. My identity is still as androgyn as ever.

There are many choices in dosage and prescriptions of testosterone. Many new ones have recently come out, which hopefully over time will make them cheaper. (as many are not cheap...) I have personally had experience with a few different types.

The first I was put on was Testim which is an alcohol based gel. It's applied to the chest (not breasts) and upper arms. You rub it in until you feel it's dry, let it set for a few mins and then get dressed as normal. It comes in small "daily application" tubes. The tubes are kind of nice because if you travel you can take just what you need, rather than a whole big bottle or what have you. I put "daily application" in quotes because really...it's between you and your doctor as to what is right for you. I've been given the freedom to play with proper dosage for me. We've experimented with half tube daily, and other combinations of full tube one day, half tube the next, so on and so forth. I did so under careful watch of my doctor.

Just to try the injectable version of T I did go on it for a short term. I thought it would be really nice to not have to think about it for two weeks, rather than daily application. I'm not a huge fan of shots, and my hormones were all over the place while on it so I really didn't like that. I prefer a more steady, even feeling...which the gel gives me. Daily application equals no trough. That's a pretty nice thing.

Recently my dr wanted me to try a new product that's come out. (he's pretty fond of whatever is new..."ooohhh shiny!" Axiron I tried it and...I *personally* don't like it. It's an odd application method. It comes in a large lotion type bottle and it comes with a rubber tipped cup that's shaped like deodorant. It goes in your under arms. You put your deodorant like normal, wait two mins and then pump this alcohol based liquid that's very watery into the cup. Then you apply the contents of the cup to your underarm(s). I couldn't quite get the hang of it somehow...and kept dripping it down my sides and onto the floor. I requested going back to Testim. (as that just works best for me. I'm sure the other types work wonderfully for some.)

The reason I feel that "low dose" is a sort of mirage is that even if you are able to keep your testosterone levels low...it just prolongs the changes that will be taking place. (as I understand it) though having low levels of testosterone limits what your body can do. (masculation wise)

My voice has dropped considerably. I am now a low bass singing voice. (I started at a low alto...for what that's worth.) I do have facial hair and need to shave, though it's still rather invisible...it's finally starting to darken up around my chin. I don't really have much for body hair though I'm starting to get some. My clit has grown as many transmen report. My sex drive amped up considerably. (oh lord did it..) My moods evened out, my GID lessened, my muscles bulk up easier, I seem more "vulcan" in my approach to thinks and insistence that all things should be logic focused (it's actually the running joke in this house) and I can't say that's testosterone based but it's so different from who I used to be (highly emotional to annoying levels...seriously. Annoying.) that I bring it up because changes in hormones can have unexpected consequences...positive or negative. I'm sure I've changed in ways I can't even see or notice about myself.

However...with all that...it's been one of the best things I've done for myself. I didn't hear any experiences from other androgyns (or the like) and so I wanted to put this here so others can hear my experience.

Spearmint for hair reduction.

Spearmint tea is a great addition to the arsenal of the transitioning woman. Spearmint has a chemical in it that has anti androgenic properties. Mainly it acts on the follicles of the facial and body hair, interrupting the androgen receptors in the follicle that would signal the need to produce hair when testosterone is present. It does not interfere with the hair on your head, which is a big bonus to many of us trans women. (me included!)
For centuries women have used spearmint to combat unwanted body hair. Turkish researchers have confirmed that the stuff works.
Trans women can add spearmint to their regimen of HRT without fear of side effects and it is rather effective. I have used spearmint tea to great effect. Prior to drinking the tea I was on estrogen and anti androgens but my body hair had only responded in a minor way. I was rather upset as I would shave 2 times a day and I couldn’t keep up with the hair. Then I read about spearmint and I was intrigued. After procuring a pound of bulk spearmint for about $15 USD I started to drink a quart of tea a day. I would drink half in the morning and half in the evening. It took about a month to notice any results but eventually I started to see it. My body hair grows in allot slower. I can go a week or two before I need to reshave my legs. My face I can go two days before I need a shave, whereas before I needed to shave twice a day to control that hideous shadow. Also the thickness of the individual hairs and the density of hair have substantially reduced. My hair is much more femme than before.
I call spearmint tea my “HRTea”. Spearmint has medicinal properties beyond hair reduction it treats fever, flu, cold or to calm nervous stomach.
The way I like to do it is to make a quart of strong spearmint and black tea in the morning. I drink half and save half for latter in the day as it is best like many medications to do more than one dose daily. Spreading it out 12 hours apart would work best but as I like to add regular tea to my brew for flavor I don’t drink it to late in the evening due to the caffeine.

Here is the recipe I use:

HRTea
I boil a quart of water after it boils reduce the heat to simmer and throw in about 1/6-1/4 of an ounce of tea to the water (a moderate handful). Add a teaspoon of lemon and a small pinch of salt. (the lemon adds acidity to the water and assists the chemicals to release from the plant material) For flavor you can also add a couple of normal tea bags. Cover and let sit for 15 minutes. The brew needs to steep for at least 15 minutes, as this is how long it takes for the majority of the anti androgen to release from the plant material. Then strain. Sugar and lemon make it yummy.

I can't win.

One of the trans support sites I frequent has been loosing members due to the transgender/transsexual word war.
I am not without blame. I have been more than willing to dive into the fray and partake of the gift of battle. (a definate hold over from my man indoctrination) I have opinions and I feel that I should have the right to shoot off my mouth just as much as the average person.
However,it seems that even when I keep it civil those who are not part of the conflict are getting emotionaly hurt and taking great offence to the fact that there is a fight going on in there midst.

I can not be part of this fight anymore. At least for now. I am mainly involved in the trans comunity to help those girls who I conect with and help them come too terms with their gender. Help them transition. I didn't become involved with the trans comunity to be political. This has happened but it was not my original purpose. My main purpose was at first too just survive. I have done that and I stayed in the comunity to pay it forward.

I can't assist anyone transition if I am caught up in a semantics war that is driving those who are more easily hurt away from the comunity I wish too serve.

Had a couple more surgeries.

On March 2nd I had a bifemoral aortic bypass. This was a major surgery that very well could have killed me. I have mostly recovered from the surgery and I am well on my way to healing.

On April 25th I had a bilateral orchidectomy. For those who don't know what that is it is a simple castration. Both of my testicles were removed leaving the penis and scrotum intact for future SRS, should I opt to get it.

I am very happy to be free of them. Now I no longer need to worry about taking anti androgens and I can cut my estrogen intake down. Also I might be one of the lucky girls and get a secondary round of feminization.

Anyways ...
I know I should post more often but I get side tracked alot.

Hello again.

I know I havent posted in a while...Sorry.

So I had a surgery on my arm recently. I had an ulnar translocation I think it was called. Any ways I went in to see the doc the other day. She removed about 1/3 of the stitches in my arm. She wants to remove the rest of them next week. One nice thing that has come of this.... I have plenty of extra opiates saved back. (what can I say....I hoard drugs.)


My body has changed enough over the last 16 months that except for a certain body part it looks like a girls body.

It really struck me the last few days. I have just recently been able to be naked (with underwear on) and I am ok. That's big for me. I haven't been able to stand being naked longer than the time it takes to have sex or to sleep since I was about 13 and the body hair and male muscles started showing up. Now that I have neither and have added the trace of some curve I don't have that problem so much.
If I am awake, I have clothes on. However, I spent a good 2 hours without a shirt or bra on yesterday. I probably would have gone longer but I had a health care worker over yesterday so I had to get properly dressed.

Can't wait for a boob job....

Anyways.
That is where I am with my transition now.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

Q & A about gender

Inspired by how well the AIDS question and answer went, I invited my community to ask any question they might have about gender.

Of course I first must put in the obligatory statement of “This is only my perspective and no one else’s” (though I did get Cyndi’s opinion on a few of these.) I can only speak with confidence for my family…no one else. Quite possible that no one in the world outside of us feels this way, or would answer these questions this way.

Please also know…that the transgender/transsexual brain is INHERENTLY different than standard male/female brain. It just IS. MANY trans people would likely not agree with me on that….and that’s fine. They are entitled to their opinions as well as me. There are so many things that are…seemingly little…or trivial, or not worth mentioning as we go through our day. There’s so much that causes great emotional PAIN in being trans…that those things often aren’t mentioned. Not even in a diary.

Sometimes…I actually hide behind my extreme honesty. If I fill my blog with lots and lots of seemingly intimate things…well, you feel like you know me pretty well…right? Makes it easy to leave out some of the REAL and DEEP pains of life. Don’t we all do that somewhat?

Onto your questions. Which…by the way, I’ve ordered how I want. I really appreciate your questions and the thought you put into them.

~Just what is an androgyn?

An androgyn is a rather loose catch all term for anyone who doesn’t fit into the male/female binary. There are MANY words for this…. Genderqueer, third gender, bi-gender….there’s more and more and more. All people have their preferred term for self.

~Now that I’ve really thought about it and you said ANY question.. well, it just seems that when Cyndi started her desire to become a woman it just kinda seemed like overnight that you wanted to change your sex as well, like you almost felt you had to or something. You always made and wore pretty skirts and you wanted a baby so badly at THE moment Cyndi made her choice. your writing doesn't seem different, I mean you sound like the same person inside... I don't know, I guess what I’m trying to ask is how it all came about, and so quickly.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer this shortly…and I can’t. *sigh* Well…ok. Um…we could take it back as far as childhood but I don’t see the need in that. Just know that I COULD pull from childhood…and am choosing not to. Cyndi and I have know the other was trans for as long as we’ve been together. We named my male side “Kyle” but it quickly became painful. The more I opened up…the more I needed. The further down the rabbit hole I went…the longer I saw it got. It came to a head a few months into my relationship with Cyndi and it was too much. I saw exactly who I wanted to be. I saw exactly who I was. Androgyn. Only…I didn’t have that word yet.

When I’d ask myself “Are you a guy? I mean…are you? Really?” and the answer really was…no. I’m not. As far as I knew…that makes me a girl! It was so so so confusing. I applied the word “freak” to myself quite a bit. I became obsessed with thoughts of surgery so I could have a penis. I was sure and convinced that no doctor would do such a thing, and even if they would…how on earth would I afford it!!! So I closed the door. I shut it aside and did my best to throw myself as FAR into femininity as I could. I wore skirts and refused to wear pants EVER. I became obsessed with pregnancy…just sure that becoming pregnant and having those hormones would clear up any “wayward” thoughts of gender.

When I was seeking support as a spouse of a transperson I stumbled into the word androgyn. It was….the most…momentous…and extremely scary thing I think I’ve felt in recent recollection. The door to the vault I’d stuffed all gender related thoughts into…flung open and DEMANDED I deal with it. RIGHT. THEN. I knew what I was. I was an androgyn. And I wasn’t alone.

I know the timing looked….concerning from a distance. Our therapist even admitted as much. But…if you are a cigarette smoker…and you’ve quit. Can you live with a smoker and NOT smoke? If you’re an trying to avoid something…anything…(perhaps an addiction is a poor analogy but I can’t think of anything else particularly relatable. Forgive me please..) So if you’re trying to avoid something with all of your being…while simultaneously NEEDING that thing…and someone you live with is DOING that thing…there’s just no more running from it. There’s just not. You can’t hide…it’s IN YOUR HOME. I had to face it. There was no waiting.

~Do you believe there are inherently "male" or "female" characteristics? Or, are "male" and "female" merely socially constructed?

Easy answer would be…yes. I think that there are many male/female characteristics that are inherent. There are also equal that are socially constructed. The idea of the “Stoic male” for example…I believe has its roots in truth and nature…but it’s been taken to a place that’s…constructed.

Most of my experience and what’s been really really eye opening for me is the inner working of the male mind. (as I perceive it…obviously.) I really really really honestly thought that men were just…the exact same as women. That we all were *the same* and that men just DIDN’T act like women simply because of society.

That’s SO unfair!!! We are NOT the same. We’re not. Omg. Men and women aren’t at all the same. There are some things that are just…human, rather than gender based… but I think it’s a really huge injustice done by the feminist movement.

I’m not sure I could really express the differences…except for when they come up so…keep reading my journal I suppose ;)

~Could you share your opinions and/or factual differences between some commonly used terms. For example, that cross-dressing compared to being transgender. Or there's another, do you use transgender & transsexual interchangeably- why or why not?

Well…cross dressers are men (or women…though commonly men) who are not trans of any form. They simply like the clothes of the other sex. Which to me…just speaks to a need to break out of “gendered clothes”. I think anyone of any gender should be able to wear whatever color, and whatever fit they want. I do not understand why we have “women’s clothes” and “men’s clothes” aside from fit and shape.

The word Transgender is the huge umbrella that encompasses MtF, FtM, Androgyns and all else. People who choose to take steps and transition and those who don’t. Pre-ops, post-ops, non-ops and everyone else. Transsexuals are people who are actively taking steps to change from one sex to the other.

Which…brings me to a point that I don’t have any better spot for. (lol) Cyndi is often upset when the topic of transgender comes up with non trans people…and conversation immediately goes to genitals. That bothers her because it’s not about bits for us. I’ve had to remind her frequently that…if you’re not trans…your genitals basically ARE your gender. It just doesn’t go beyond that really. Why would it? Where as transgender people talk about their “gender” which differs from their “sex”. Your sex is about what’s between your legs. Your gender is what’s between your ears. What’s in your brain and your heart…who are you *truly*? So when we say transsexual we are talking about someone who is actively changing their sex. Cyndi and I…by definition are transsexuals. The word has “sex” in it…which leads people to think it’s a sexual orientation which is forever frustrating. It’s nothing to do with sexual orientation…that’s about how you use your body and who your attracted to. Being part of the GLBT movement isn’t really doing us any favors in that vain…but I digress.

~I also have a personal question of etiquette. What is the correct way to refer to a trans person when referring back to a time when he or she wasn't out. Not sure if that made sense, so for an example- let's say I was at your wedding & now I was telling someone about it. Should I say "At Sara & Pete's wedding..." or should I say "At Sevan & Cyndi's wedding..."

That one’s deeply personal to the individual and the situation. If you’re talking to someone who knew me as Sara before…well then it makes sense to refer to me as Sara which would denote a time. “Ya know, the wedding they had…long ago, before transition.”

If you’re talking to someone who’s never known me as Sara, never knew there was any such person and didn’t know I’d transitioned or am transgender…well…that’d out me and be considered rude.

The simple answer would be to backdate the name. Most transgender people…if they’ve changed their name they feel they’ve always been “new name”.

I find that I still refer to “Pete” from time to time. Particularly if I’m speaking about when we first got together. As a couple, we’re ok with this. Most aren’t.

~Do you and Cyndi have a better understanding and empathy for each other now that you've both experienced both ends of the 'hormonal' spectrum?

Oh good god yes. Lol. We also have a lot of empathy for the confusion that this transition lends. So many things that as a woman I took for granted and just…knew…because I’d been raised to be a woman…that Cyndi has to actively learn. I will also admit that there were many things in her early months of transitioning that drove me a bit batty. Then I started T and felt quite sheepish because…oh. Yea…no real control over some things. Taking new hormones comes with mood swings. It just does.

~I like [the last questioner’s] question. Plus it (and something you said in the last entry) suggests a follow on, which is having moved around on the gender spectrum, what parts of your personalities have turned out to be gender based (and therefore changing as you've changed) and what parts are fundamental?

For me personally…I found that my depression was gender based (or gender dysphoria based..) I cried REALLY easily, I hated exercise, I multi tasked really well, and I could take or leave sex. All of those things have changed.

My love of crafting and sewing are integral part of myself. I do feel far more rounded. I feel gifted in what I now know about gender and some of the things that motivate us. Cyndi really wants us to write an advice book for couples based on what we know about men and women.
Hormones effect everything..from what smells we like to how food tastes.

I really think everyone should have the chance to cross hormones..just for a month or something. Though that likely wouldn't work so well. Men who have been put on estrogen often get depressed and such. I've only had the experience I've had with T comes from it being *right* for me. Same goes for Cyndi. We would know right away if it were wrong. It would have felt wrong. It is a shame that more people can't experience this though.

I don't know how to fully describe it...it's just been so all encompassing. As painful as it can be to be trans...it's a gift.

~Are there traits that you consider feminine or masculine that you are attracted to in Cyndi?

This is something that I've been just...stuck on. I can't really pick and parse what I'm attracted to about Cyndi and then apply gender! So since these three attraction questions were asked together I'm just going to jump to the last bit...

~Are there other things you are attracted to that transcend gender? How has your attraction to Cyndi shaped and changed as you have both gone through transitions?

Our love has deepened significantly. Our respect and trust of one another has just...bloomed. We thought we were unstoppable before but now...we're unbreakable. When I first started looking into androgyny she was actively skeptical and didn't care for it. She didn't think anyone could live out of the binary. We've grown, we've fought and we've come to a deep place of understanding. I couldn't begin to tell you what I love specifically. There's very little she does that even annoys me. Some things...of course...but they're so small in comparison to our love and commitment.

It was pointed out to me by someone who read this that I use the word "Transgendered" quite a bit when I'm writing. That's true. I do. (though I've corrected that in this entry.) Never really put much thought into it really. At her suggestion I did a bit of reading. There are many things I am aware of when it comes to advocacy. Cyndi spends her whole day reading blogs, articles, studies ect ect ect...and looking at trans forums. I personally....don't. However, gender based conversations are frequent in our home. This happens to be something that's never come up. We've had discussions on how people want to get rid of the word "transsexual" and create some new better discriptor. That seems to come up every few months in our circles. People don't like the word because it has "sex" in it, and thus people who are unfamiliar equate transssexuals with a sexual identity. I digress. I pulled this from an article I found:

"The word transgender never needs the extraneous "ed" at the end of the word. In fact, such a construction is grammatically incorrect. Only verbs can be transformed into participles by adding "-ed" to the end of the word, and transgender is an adjective, not a verb."

I'm not trying to excuse myself from using an inaprpriate word...but anyone who's known me for more than a min knows grammar isn't my strong point. I put this here because many of the questions contained the word "transgendered". (again, I altered this entry..) So clearly, I'm not the only one unaware. Since the point of this entry was education...I figured I'd add this correction as well.

Mirrors and truth

Recently I walked by a mirror and I was so stunned and happy to see how female I am starting to look that I went into tears.
Joy, and sorrow.
Joy that I am finally here and a deep and abiding sorrow that I had not adressed this issue a long time ago.

Before I started to transition when I looked in the mirror every male trait I had stood out like a beacon. I didn't see the less than masculine dude others saw. I saw a face very much ravaged by T poisoning. I saw ubber male, even though that was not the reality of the matter.

Now I hope I am seeing a little more clearly. Honestly I can not know, my eyes have lied to me before and I believed it.
Sad when you can not even trust your own testimony to yourself.
When I look in the mirror now I am seeing a girl most the time. Sometimes I see a guy but nowhere near as often as before.
It is mind blowing how a simple hormone can change everything.

When I see Cynthia in the mirror instead of Pete I see myself as I always should have been. But when I see myself in the mirror I am also reminded of how long it took me to come to terms with being me and that hurts.