Body, Social and Mind dysphoria ~Sevan

Chart by @Cassiebebop

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at a picture and instantly felt sad or dysphoric about how you perceive yourself? If you're trans*, of course you have!

I recently discovered this graphic online, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE! However, I believe that some things can't be so easily categorized, and that makes those things so much more powerful because of the potential for it to have an effect on the physical, social and mental self. For example, if you look in the mirror and are hit with negative feelings about yourself. You're seeing how you look physically, which may not line up with what you'd like to see. You may feel social pressure to present or appear differently and mentally because our minds can warp what we see in the mirror and focus on aspects of ourselves that don't give us the full picture.

To illustrate this point, I think back to early in Cyndi's transition. She would come out of the bedroom in the morning and look forlorn. I would ask her what was wrong and she would express feeling as though she looked very masculine, or as if "she was never going to pass". This very rarely lined up with what I saw in my wife, and it left me unsure which of us wasn't seeing the full truth. I suspect both of us honestly. She was seeing all her traits that she didn't like, and I generally focus on far more positive traits because I love her. My responses rarely helped her to feel less dysphoric though, as her feelings were reflecting her inner beliefs.

I know that I can get this way too. Though for me it's more about pictures than mirrors. (likely because I tend to avoid mirrors, mostly because of their dysphoria risk.) I try very hard to look at a picture of myself without judgement. Depending on the day and my mood at the time, I have varying success at being non-judgmental with myself.

So what can be done about this? How does one deal with this issue? I believe that everyone has their own way, and their own coping mechanisms that work for them. One thing that's worked for me is taking the focus off visual cues and focusing more on other senses. I like the way I smell, so I focus on that. I feel validated when I run my fingers across my facial hair stubble, or through my hair. When I am faced with a picture or myself in the mirror, I try to focus on things I do like so that I'm not focusing on negatives. For me that's my ears, shoulders, smile/lips and freckles.

What do you do when you're faced with dysphoria from the mirror or pictures?

Choosing testosterone ~Sevan

The bigender girl by Anibunny

This post comes with all the normal warnings about this being my experience and only my experience and of course, I don't speak for anyone but myself.

In today's episode, I attempt to explain what motivated me to start HRT testosterone. We'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense to anyone but me.

Around October of 2009 I discovered the language surrounding non-binary identities. Before that, I didn't even know that anything outside of male/female binary existed at all. Cyndi had come out just a month before as trans feminine and I was looking for spouse support online. What I found instead was a section for "androgynes". That was such a HUGE "ah-ha moment" for me. Then came the few months of trying to figure out what to do with that information. I struggled with concerns about being accepted, being seen as a "freak" should I choose any transition action.

I was (and still am) adamant that I am not male and had huge concerns about being perceived male. Due to that, I was quite sure that testosterone wasn't going to be for me. I looked for transitional paths to follow, what worked for other genderqueer/non-binary people but struggled to find much information at all. I didn't know what I needed, but I was pretty sure that what I was doing wasn't working. I had a very hour glass shape and large breasts and ass. These features made it near impossible to dress androgynously. I also didn't like many of the styles that were considered androgynous. It just wasn't me. I like skirts and tshirts, and I'm still genderqueer when dressing that way. I tried to bind but found it extremely uncomfortable and unsuccessful. Binding seemed to make me more aware of my chest, not less. As a result, I rarely if ever wore a binder.

I planned to have a breast reduction and knew that it was gender based for me. I thought I'd be able to bind more once I had a smaller chest, which may well have been true but I found I just didn't need to bind. I was ok with my breasts after surgery. (That was a whole process, it wasn't just waking up from anesthesia and being ok. But I don't want to get into that tangent.)

My main support network was a group of transsexual women online. There was a great deal of talk about hormones and how people felt on them. The great sense of peace they experienced sounded wonderful. I started to think that maybe testosterone might be what I needed in order to find that mental peace. My mental state was unraveling from dysphoria. Knowing what was wrong, but not being able to do anything about it was a pain that was terrible. I looked everywhere for information about what testosterone might do. I found a few genderqueer people who had gone on T for short time and had success with it to get a more masculine appearance, but that wasn't what I wanted or needed. My search was wholly mental. I didn't hear anyone talk about that aspect of their transition with T.

Prior to Cyndi starting to transition medically she was prescribed T. The doctors said she had low T (go figure...) and could do well and have more energy on testosterone. She had some left over when she went off T and started estrogen therapy. It was so tempting, just sitting there on the shelf.

Finally, one day in early February I'd had enough. I was forming suicide plans and they made too much sense. Testosterone, with potential side effects were far better than suicide. I went and got the gel and started T. I thought perhaps it would prove silly, and not be worth it. All that hype, surly for nothing.

I looked through my journal and found this quote from when I first started T:

"Finally got dress and out the door headed for work. In the car I felt....almost hyper. Actually rather happy. I'm rarely happy on my way to work. Time to think means time to be depressed. But today I just bounced down the road singing along with my Ipod....having a very peppy drive. Huh.

Does this mean I'm a confirmed FtM now? I don't think so. Still me. Same person I was yesterday. Though it does seem that my body responds well to testosterone. So far. And that's all that means."

I had convinced myself that with a low dose of T I wouldn't see any physical changes, but would only experience the mental peace that I needed. That, was not true at all! I absolutely experienced physical changes. My voice lowered quickly, my emotions shifted, my dysphoria lessened significantly. My face structure shifted in ways I can't really express.

Here is a link to an article that does a wonderful job of talking about low dose T in more general ways: Click here to see Neutrois Nonsense

An Analogy

When one first starts their transition in some fashion it seems to be like being a shipwreck survivor.
At first the story starts with a woman floating unseen on a tiny lifeboat at sea. {The life boat is the man suit, the sea is life in general.}
She is unseen, drifting along however the currents take her. Eventually she sees a chance at life. Perhaps it is a civilized island, a pocket of humanity, or she sees a ship.
For the TS person the island is the body of knowledge available to humanity regarding transsexuals. The ship is the visible transgender community. Some are on the ship as fellow castaway; others are on the boat looking for castaways.
If she spots land and heads for it, or spots the ship and hails it, she can make her way out of the life raft and to a safer situation.
The ship is headed to the island she needs to get to, so there is something of a bonus for our castaway.

Now the island is full of savages who mean well but have odd customs and rituals. {The savages are the doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, society at large and various other gatekeepers and lore keepers.}
The only thing our castaway wants is to join the islands culture. But to join the culture and become a productive member of society she must follow the protocols and rituals of the gatekeepers. Once she becomes part of society she becomes much more functional as a person and is no longer drifting out to sea.

transition continues

So I seem to have entered a new phase of transition.

I was thinking back to my school days, specifically shop class. As I was remembering those days my first thought was "I was the only girl in many of those classes". When I think back I see a girl in boys space.
The guys always teased me and made my life misserable in those classes. Like they were trying to chase off an interloper. At the time I did not understand why but it becomes clearer to me now. They saw my effeminate manerisms that I was oblivious too.

It is odd but more and more of my memories seem to have been slightly rewritten.

hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee