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| The bigender girl by Anibunny |
In today's episode, I attempt to explain what motivated me
to start HRT testosterone. We'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes
sense to anyone but me.
Around October of 2009 I discovered the language surrounding
non-binary identities. Before that, I didn't even know that anything outside of
male/female binary existed at all. Cyndi had come out just a month before as
trans feminine and I was looking for spouse support online. What I found
instead was a section for "androgynes". That was such a HUGE
"ah-ha moment" for me. Then came the few months of trying to figure
out what to do with that information. I struggled with concerns about being
accepted, being seen as a "freak" should I choose any transition
action.
I was (and still am) adamant that I am not male and had huge
concerns about being perceived male. Due to that, I was quite sure that testosterone
wasn't going to be for me. I looked for transitional paths to follow, what
worked for other genderqueer/non-binary people but struggled to find much
information at all. I didn't know what I needed, but I was pretty sure that
what I was doing wasn't working. I had a very hour glass shape and large
breasts and ass. These features made it near impossible to dress androgynously.
I also didn't like many of the styles that were considered androgynous. It just
wasn't me. I like skirts and tshirts, and I'm still genderqueer when dressing
that way. I tried to bind but found it extremely uncomfortable and
unsuccessful. Binding seemed to make me more aware of my chest, not less. As a
result, I rarely if ever wore a binder.
I planned to have a breast reduction and knew that it was
gender based for me. I thought I'd be able to bind more once I had a smaller
chest, which may well have been true but I found I just didn't need to bind. I
was ok with my breasts after surgery. (That was a whole process, it wasn't just
waking up from anesthesia and being ok. But I don't want to get into that
tangent.)
My main support network was a group of transsexual women
online. There was a great deal of talk about hormones and how people felt on
them. The great sense of peace they experienced sounded wonderful. I started to
think that maybe testosterone might be what I needed in order to find that
mental peace. My mental state was unraveling from dysphoria. Knowing what was
wrong, but not being able to do anything about it was a pain that was terrible.
I looked everywhere for information about what testosterone might do. I found a
few genderqueer people who had gone on T for short time and had success with it
to get a more masculine appearance, but that wasn't what I wanted or needed. My
search was wholly mental. I didn't hear anyone talk about that aspect of their
transition with T.
Prior to Cyndi starting to transition medically she was
prescribed T. The doctors said she had low T (go figure...) and could do well
and have more energy on testosterone. She had some left over when she went off
T and started estrogen therapy. It was so tempting, just sitting there on the
shelf.
Finally, one day in early February I'd had enough. I was
forming suicide plans and they made too much sense. Testosterone, with
potential side effects were far better than suicide. I went and got the gel and
started T. I thought perhaps it would prove silly, and not be worth it. All
that hype, surly for nothing.
I looked through my journal and found this quote from when I
first started T:
"Finally got dress and out the door headed for work. In the car I felt....almost hyper.
Actually rather happy. I'm rarely happy on my way to work. Time to think means
time to be depressed. But today I just bounced down the road singing along with
my Ipod....having a very peppy drive. Huh.
Does this mean I'm a confirmed FtM now? I don't think so. Still me. Same person I was yesterday.
Though it does seem that my body responds well to testosterone. So far. And
that's all that means."
I had convinced myself that with a low dose of T I wouldn't
see any physical changes, but would only experience the mental peace that I
needed. That, was not true at all! I absolutely experienced physical changes.
My voice lowered quickly, my emotions shifted, my dysphoria lessened
significantly. My face structure shifted in ways I can't really express.
Here is a link to an article that does a wonderful job of
talking about low dose T in more general ways: Click here to see Neutrois Nonsense
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