Friday, March 2, 2012

Bigender dysphoria ~Sevan

I'm going to go against my desire to continue on in hibernation and quiet and attempt to write something. (It would appear I haven't written on this blog since Nov!! And Sept before that. Hmm. For someone who journals daily you'd think I'd blog more often. Eh.)

First. What is bigender? (in my personal experience. These terms are still new[ish] and up for interpretation and sculpting) I experience it as being something akin to a yin yang.

There's my male side (Evan) who has that little spot of my female side,(Sara) there's my Sara who has that little spot of Evan; and there's the whole of me: Sevan. An attempt at incorporating them both into the whole...most the time that works, that's a happy space, it's fine and shared...and Sara and Evan bicker and disagree, they love each other and's all in my head...mostly. None of that spills out and is expressed for fear of appearing crazy. For fear of appearing like someone with multiple personalities, for stigma...there's many reasons to just keep this to myself. Cyndi knows of the identities. She knows there's still division of self...that rift never was healed. But it's not bad or painful for me most the time. It's just the way my mind works. It's split in two. That's ok. We work together...most the time. It's when we don't work together that dysphoria kicks in and is nasty.

There seems to be a misconception that non-binary people don't experience dysphoria. While that may be true for some, I know many who do experience dysphoria and depression stemming from their gender identity. I struggle with the idea of "speaking for all non-binary people" because it's a wide expanse of people and experiences and identities. I can only speak for myself, and perhaps some will identify with me and not feel alone.

So my dysphoria seems to come out when one of my two sides feels unseen or "closeted"...(for lack of better term.) Since I live in a world that is binary I have to present in a binary fashion. As such I always present female at work. Working 40hrs a week and having an hour commute per day...this leaves very few hours for any male expression, hobbies or just time. This can lead some pain.

Being on T I do have facial hair now. Still not a whole lot, but enough to need to shave every other day. Due to my work schedule I nearly never get to experience my beard. That can cause alot of dysphoria. Living in a binary world where I can't be me, I can't be flexible, I can't express both sides of myself.

Dysphoria can spring up on me. I can think that I'm doing well, balancing fine and then suddenly there's some issue over clothing for the day, or someone hyper gendering me female (oddly this happens alot. I'm not just assumed to be female..but I'm assumed to be REALLY female. Just because I like unbifurcated clothing? Hmf.)

I don't have an answer for this. The world isn't likely to STOP being binary anytime soon. Understanding is power though. In sharing our experiences we can see our similarities.


Anonymous said...

What an odd one.
Have you thought about that there is a chance that you might just be a transsexual man?

Women can not tolerate testosterone shots. It makes them agressive and hypersexual.

Sevan said...

Yep. I've considered it. Even tried to force myself into that camp and it's just not who I am.
This was proven to me when I had my breast reduction. Shortly after surgery, the first time I saw my breasts I cried and cried in my post surgery medicated daze because I saw a chest. I was sure my breasts were gone and the surgeon had tane it too far and gone to the chest rather than just the reduction.
I'm not a man. Trans or otherwise. I'm non binary. By no means am I the only one. Even within our local trans group there are five (possible six or seven) non binary people. We share similar experiences, we all deal with dysphoria.
Just because I'm different than you doesn't make me an "odd one".