Friday, September 16, 2011

Stealth? No thank you!

Had I transitioned at 22 when I first tried, I would have gone deep stealth. It was my plan. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible.

Anyways I did not transition at 22. I crossed paths with the wrong head shrink and I was not mature enough to see past his bullshit and transition in spite of what he said.

However, had I transitioned then, I very well might have never seen my family again. Neither my family nor I would have been mature enough to handle me transitioning. I can see that clearly now.

Now I am too old to properly pull off stealth, so it is not much of an issue for me actually.

But I am happy in a way.

As I matured so did my family.

When I first came out to my loud and proud lesbian mom we discussed allot of things that are part of many trans peoples lives.

One of the topics that came up was stealth. I had to explain to her what it meant. When I explained to her what stealth was she got a concerned look on her face and said 'that's the closet, please tell me that's not what you want?'

I agreed that that was indeed a form of closeting and that I would not be looking to go stealth. I knew right at that moment that my mother would never respect my choice to go stealth if I decided to go that path.

My mother's respect and admiration mean allot to me. When I came out as Trans, I actually regained my mother's respect and admiration. Before I came out there was a wall between us, put up by me; specifically because of this damn GID issue, I was hiding from the world. I hurt allot of my family to put that wall up, it is rather surprising to me that I was able to reconcile with my family to be honest.

My sister in law, who I feared turning on me the worst, has become a sister to me in many ways since I came out.

Everywhere I turn, the people in my life have treated me rather well since my transition. They finally know what was eating me all those years and see that I have done something to fix it. They see I am indeed much happier, and the fact that I had to transition to find that happiness is not lost on them it seems.

They respect me now.

Go figure.

I however have no doubt if I were to have gone stealth I would have lost the respect of my mother and the rest of my family. They would see any attempts at living stealth as a form of closeting.

To keep my families respect all I have to do is be honest and not bullshit. That's easy enough for me.

I am out and open. There is no fa├žade left in me. My entire world has rewarded me in small esoteric ways for being out and open.

My family respects me and I feel like I am living as real as I can.

Yes, I am trans. I am also a woman. Trans is just a qualifier to me. It is no different from white woman, HIV+ woman, or married woman, they are all just qualifiers.


Anonymous said...

I can understand you not being stealth. It's kind of late for that, after you went out and caught HIV and gave it to your wife. At that point, you may as well let your freak flag fly high and proud.

Unknown said...

Wow, that was completely uncalled for and it is very telling that you choose to post anon.

Yes I contracted HIV and I passed it on to the most precious person in the world to me. I beat myself up for that daily. I do not need an internet coward who posts anon rubing it in my nose.

At least I am open, honest and fothright with the issues impacting my life.

Have a nice day mr internet troll.

Cynthia Lee