Bearded thoughts

So it's been a little while since I've done any kind of updating...been feeling very internal, pubescent and...awkward. lol.

Ok so...I'm on T, it's going well. I'm now doing injections instead of gel and there's something about having to do weekly injections vs. daily gel that just makes this process feel more natural. I don't think about how I'm "transitioning" I feel more like..."I am". However *I am* in puberty at the moment! lol. My voice is dropping and that's cool. My muscle mass is increasing which rocks…I'm starting to get some very faint body hair and increase hair on my arms and face. Now...I suppose I should back up and quantify my point...

My leg hair/body hair has always been very very faint and nearly invisibly blonde. Unless your staring at my arms you wouldn't think I have ANY arm hair. My legs never get shaved and most people can't tell. However my face has very light hair, but it's all across my whole face and under my chin. Not localized on just my upper lip as some women. Again, l nearly invisible...but totally there.

So now..just over two months on T..my cheeks still basically have peach fuzz and it's super soft, though a tad longer than it used to be and pretty noticeable (at least in the florescent lights in my bathroom!!) My lip, chin and under my chin however…the hair has shifted some. It’s courser. (though not by a whole heck of a lot..I am only 2 months in!) I’ve shaved it a few times (which I’m guessing is contributing to it’s coarseness) I’m finding I don’t want to shave. It’s still blonde though it’s got some actual color to it..it’s not invisibly blonde anymore. I find myself with my hand up on my chin A LOT. I like it.

The main “manly” attribute that I’ve always wanted is the beard. I used to dream about being bearded, I’ve lusted men’s beards in the past…So now that it’s growing in some…I’m rather elated. I find myself pouring over my face in the mirror…looking at every last little strand of hair, looking my face over for any color shift…(ya know..just like a teenage boy!)

It’s a little long and I was anxious that maybe it’s time to shave again for fear that people would see my “unsightly woman’s facial hair” but *I* don’t want to shave it! I want to see what it’ll do.

Thoughts about a beard and what sort of facial hair I might like to wear (goatee, full face, ect) drew my attention to my breasts. Every step I take toward androgyny and *my* ideal body brings my thoughts back to “what will *they* think?” I wish I didn’t care. I really really wish that. However I *live* in society. I go grocery shopping. I have to have a job. Thus, I worry. (that…and I’m just a worrier.)

So my thoughts went to “Well…if I wear a beard I’m going to have to bind…right?” and that frustrated me because I don’t see WHY the two have anything to do with each other. I very very much wish that I could fit into the “male or female” box. I do. I feel that this would be SO much easier. Having to blaze my own trail (as it were) is sometimes…well…a pretty darn scary place to be!

Do I need to come out as androgyn to every single person I come across? That may get exhausting. Do I need to just…keep my beard within the confines of my own home? Society expects us to be either male or female. If I present male to the broad society (what..with my beard…) then I feel like I will be forced to bind every day. Which…honestly…I don’t really have any desire to do. If I refuse to bind and present female…then the beard must be covered, and well shaved at all times. (not to mention covered in foundation to make sure the shadow is well covered…as it stands currently I never wear make up. Ever. However I do know how to cover a beard shadow. I often do Cynthia’s make up)

The answer seems easy enough. Lofty enough…”be yourself”. That’s what we tell the small children…right? In theory that sounds perfect! It doesn’t seem to alleviate my fears, and my frets and my concerns over society/work/life. *hmf* I guess I don’t really have answers for myself at the moment…this is a grey spot I’ve not yet figured out. I’m hoping I’ll get it figured out soon because the T keeps doing it’s job!

There is nothing stagnant about life. That’s for sure.