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Friday, April 16, 2010

Bearded thoughts

So it's been a little while since I've done any kind of updating...been feeling very internal, pubescent and...awkward. lol.

Ok so...I'm on T, it's going well. I'm now doing injections instead of gel and there's something about having to do weekly injections vs. daily gel that just makes this process feel more natural. I don't think about how I'm "transitioning" I feel more like..."I am". However *I am* in puberty at the moment! lol. My voice is dropping and that's cool. My muscle mass is increasing which rocks…I'm starting to get some very faint body hair and increase hair on my arms and face. Now...I suppose I should back up and quantify my point...

My leg hair/body hair has always been very very faint and nearly invisibly blonde. Unless your staring at my arms you wouldn't think I have ANY arm hair. My legs never get shaved and most people can't tell. However my face has very light hair, but it's all across my whole face and under my chin. Not localized on just my upper lip as some women. Again, l nearly invisible...but totally there.

So now..just over two months on T..my cheeks still basically have peach fuzz and it's super soft, though a tad longer than it used to be and pretty noticeable (at least in the florescent lights in my bathroom!!) My lip, chin and under my chin however…the hair has shifted some. It’s courser. (though not by a whole heck of a lot..I am only 2 months in!) I’ve shaved it a few times (which I’m guessing is contributing to it’s coarseness) I’m finding I don’t want to shave. It’s still blonde though it’s got some actual color to it..it’s not invisibly blonde anymore. I find myself with my hand up on my chin A LOT. I like it.

The main “manly” attribute that I’ve always wanted is the beard. I used to dream about being bearded, I’ve lusted men’s beards in the past…So now that it’s growing in some…I’m rather elated. I find myself pouring over my face in the mirror…looking at every last little strand of hair, looking my face over for any color shift…(ya know..just like a teenage boy!)

It’s a little long and I was anxious that maybe it’s time to shave again for fear that people would see my “unsightly woman’s facial hair” but *I* don’t want to shave it! I want to see what it’ll do.

Thoughts about a beard and what sort of facial hair I might like to wear (goatee, full face, ect) drew my attention to my breasts. Every step I take toward androgyny and *my* ideal body brings my thoughts back to “what will *they* think?” I wish I didn’t care. I really really wish that. However I *live* in society. I go grocery shopping. I have to have a job. Thus, I worry. (that…and I’m just a worrier.)

So my thoughts went to “Well…if I wear a beard I’m going to have to bind…right?” and that frustrated me because I don’t see WHY the two have anything to do with each other. I very very much wish that I could fit into the “male or female” box. I do. I feel that this would be SO much easier. Having to blaze my own trail (as it were) is sometimes…well…a pretty darn scary place to be!

Do I need to come out as androgyn to every single person I come across? That may get exhausting. Do I need to just…keep my beard within the confines of my own home? Society expects us to be either male or female. If I present male to the broad society (what..with my beard…) then I feel like I will be forced to bind every day. Which…honestly…I don’t really have any desire to do. If I refuse to bind and present female…then the beard must be covered, and well shaved at all times. (not to mention covered in foundation to make sure the shadow is well covered…as it stands currently I never wear make up. Ever. However I do know how to cover a beard shadow. I often do Cynthia’s make up)

The answer seems easy enough. Lofty enough…”be yourself”. That’s what we tell the small children…right? In theory that sounds perfect! It doesn’t seem to alleviate my fears, and my frets and my concerns over society/work/life. *hmf* I guess I don’t really have answers for myself at the moment…this is a grey spot I’ve not yet figured out. I’m hoping I’ll get it figured out soon because the T keeps doing it’s job!

There is nothing stagnant about life. That’s for sure.

3 comments:

Aylwin said...

Hi Dear, your posts are always so interesting, this about the real vs. the ideal, & not feeling "allowed" to just be YOU! I hope you have community, events or parties or ritual at least, where you can be your real whole self new chin-curlies & all & be respected instead of just stared at. Or having to explain all the time. I have a rockin' young activist friend who does consider herself somewhat naturally intergender & has lotsa face hair & big ole boobs (& 6 ft tall) who just loves to be her own way & if it messes with folks' minds, she just thinks its funny. (Oh yeah a great natural Witch too, runs in her family) But she has a sr8 job now so I wonder if she's plucking/shaving...I love how you thoughtfully explore the ambiguities of your process & not just say yay & that's it. Lots of challenges but so much richness. BB XOX Aylwin

Aaron said...

Pete/Cyn...after having been away for many years and getting a somewhat more...rounded view on things...I would suggest researching other culture views on such things...mabe you have, I'm not sure..and certainly the society you are living in is American/Western...but there are certainly other views out there, and entire societies who view such things as normal or non-issues...not sure if that will make you feel better or different, but at least know that not all societies or people, even those who don't know you as a person at all, as I do, will judge you the same, or at all. Keep the strength my friend.

Cynthia Lee said...

Aaron...
Sara (Sevan) wrote this entry. We are both on cross sex hormones and in transition. Me as you know Male to Female.
Sevan is an Androgyne.
Hope that clears up the confusion.
Hugz and Love bro
Cynthia Lee