Saturday, April 3, 2010

A touch of TMI

When I was Peter.

I never perfected being manly or even a man really. I was lousy at every male endeavor save one. Sex and sexuality. Perhaps it is the fact that I am dual wired that provided me with the ability to seduce practically anyone I so chose to. The social insight that being Trans affords can be a great asset, in our pre-transition years. So long as we are closeted and no-one knows all is well. This dual nature affords serious advantage. One merely need look at the computer science field to see this in action.

Back to sex.

Like I said the only thing male I seemed to be able to perfect was male sex. I literally cannot count the amount of women and men….multiply whatever the number of women is, by 2 and that is how many men. That short span of time during the orgasm completely washes away every problem for a few seconds. Dysphoria and angst do not co-exist with an orgasm. Also the moment of orgasm would for that fleeting moment let me feel like a man. My orgasms at the time were of course fueled by T and I would have that intense OMG moment of bliss. (Now on E I get those longer body shaking ones, much nicer.) I could verify in that moment my masculinity, it was as obvious as the male orgasm I was having.

I have always used male and female tricks to seduce. If a woman is into men I would be male, if she was lesbian I would become very femme. For men, gay men got a gay man and strait guys got a dude so femme that they couldn’t say no. [ Sevan has picked up many of my man tricks and has been using them either with intent or from the sub-conscience on me to rather good effect. ]

Sex was the only thing in my life that I could compete with the other men. Of course it would be easier for a bisexual, dual gendered person to get laid than the average guy. Such a person has a lot more potential sex partners.

Of course measuring ones manhood on the amount of sex one has is building a house of cards. Women have sex also. In our modern society women are becoming just as capable of seeking sexual conquest and seduction as the men. As I grow older I see the fallacy of my youth. The flaws in myself, delusion of manhood attained. At least I am no longer in the place of life when one looks back and cringes in shame at the foibles of the past. I see pretty clearly now the assumptions and self imposed false reality.

The big kicker is that all these years it never left my forebrain that I was indeed Trans. Or as I would say to self in parrot mode of society, ‘I am a girl trapped in a boy’s body’. Not exactly it turns out, but close enough that we will go with that. In between the delusion of maleness I would relish the way I could be a secret girl. I would drop hints in my mannerisms and accessories at all turns but very few seemed to pick up on it. A few did over the years. I was even asked point blank a couple times but I would get panicky and say no. I did say yes to my Ex Megan when she asked. It was a sweet moment, when I said yes, suddenly I was in tears. She promised to never betray that part of me. She broke my heart, stole my property, and married my best friend but she never betrayed me in that way. I think that she did do me a great service in that. During the breakup period she very well could have thrown that in my face and the towns. By not betraying me I didn’t get wounded by her in that way and it gave me time to grow and nurse old wounds.