HRT(EA)

Over the last 2 months I have added to my diet/HRT regimine 1 quart of very strong spearmint tea, (with black tea added for flavor) on a nearly daily basis. I manage to do so at least 5 days of the week.
The idea is simple Spearmint seems to have a chemical that inhibits the androgen receptors on body hair. Basically the stuff is supposed to seriously slow down hair growth. As this is messing with hormones on the cellular level this is totally a YMMV situation.

I have come to the conclusion that in the case of myself this plant does infact do what it is said to do.
Before I started drinking the stuff I would shave my legs and I would be prickly in hours. Maintenance was impossible so I just let it go and shave once in a blue moon.
Anyways.. I shaved my legs a few days ago and my legs never got to that aggravating prickly stage and it took me less than 5 mins to touch up both legs and be smooth.

My beard has slowed down allot also. Not as much as the body hair but still. Also hair on the abdomen in reduced to about a 1/3 of its old state.

I did notice a slight change in hair growth when I started HRT, but when I started drinking said tea I really noticed a major difference.

Seems that women have used the stuff as an old wives remedy for hirsuteism forever. Look it up, pretty neat stuff.
I call Spearmint tea my HR Tea...

A meeting.

Last night Sevan and I went to a local trans get together. I figured we wouldn't be able to fill the 3 hours we have allotted, yeah right. Gather a room full of trannys and the conversation only stops when someone puts down their foot and reminds everyone of the time. LOL They are trying to get something off the ground on a local level. Regular meetings and social events would be cool for me, I never get out. The LGBT center has offered us space. Only 8 of us there. Just a drop in the bucket when we figure how many transpeople are in the region based on simple statistics. Spokane itself has over 400,000, and it is the medical service hub for surrounding comunities out to about 100 miles or so. I would guess about 700,000 or more people who are in this population pool. So we should have around 23 to 700 trans identified people in my region. My money would go on the higher number.

It was interesting. 3 FTM, 3 MTF, 1 Androgyn, and 1 non-op transman who is on the board of directors for the local LGBT. It was the first time I have met a FTM face to face. They pass completely I am so jealous. 2 of them look so male that I was wondering if they were spouses or questioning when I first saw them. OMG!! One of them was sooooo scrumptious. He looked 18 but he is 29, he has been in transition for 2 years. Buff and lean. Bragged about doing a 10 mile run not too long before the meeting. **panting** So handsome,... he got my blood flowing. (I just have this thing for hot FTM's... )

Anyways...
The evening was nice although we got in late. I was so tired I fell asleep with my makeup on. I looked the mess when I woke up.

Bearded thoughts

So it's been a little while since I've done any kind of updating...been feeling very internal, pubescent and...awkward. lol.

Ok so...I'm on T, it's going well. I'm now doing injections instead of gel and there's something about having to do weekly injections vs. daily gel that just makes this process feel more natural. I don't think about how I'm "transitioning" I feel more like..."I am". However *I am* in puberty at the moment! lol. My voice is dropping and that's cool. My muscle mass is increasing which rocks…I'm starting to get some very faint body hair and increase hair on my arms and face. Now...I suppose I should back up and quantify my point...

My leg hair/body hair has always been very very faint and nearly invisibly blonde. Unless your staring at my arms you wouldn't think I have ANY arm hair. My legs never get shaved and most people can't tell. However my face has very light hair, but it's all across my whole face and under my chin. Not localized on just my upper lip as some women. Again, l nearly invisible...but totally there.

So now..just over two months on T..my cheeks still basically have peach fuzz and it's super soft, though a tad longer than it used to be and pretty noticeable (at least in the florescent lights in my bathroom!!) My lip, chin and under my chin however…the hair has shifted some. It’s courser. (though not by a whole heck of a lot..I am only 2 months in!) I’ve shaved it a few times (which I’m guessing is contributing to it’s coarseness) I’m finding I don’t want to shave. It’s still blonde though it’s got some actual color to it..it’s not invisibly blonde anymore. I find myself with my hand up on my chin A LOT. I like it.

The main “manly” attribute that I’ve always wanted is the beard. I used to dream about being bearded, I’ve lusted men’s beards in the past…So now that it’s growing in some…I’m rather elated. I find myself pouring over my face in the mirror…looking at every last little strand of hair, looking my face over for any color shift…(ya know..just like a teenage boy!)

It’s a little long and I was anxious that maybe it’s time to shave again for fear that people would see my “unsightly woman’s facial hair” but *I* don’t want to shave it! I want to see what it’ll do.

Thoughts about a beard and what sort of facial hair I might like to wear (goatee, full face, ect) drew my attention to my breasts. Every step I take toward androgyny and *my* ideal body brings my thoughts back to “what will *they* think?” I wish I didn’t care. I really really wish that. However I *live* in society. I go grocery shopping. I have to have a job. Thus, I worry. (that…and I’m just a worrier.)

So my thoughts went to “Well…if I wear a beard I’m going to have to bind…right?” and that frustrated me because I don’t see WHY the two have anything to do with each other. I very very much wish that I could fit into the “male or female” box. I do. I feel that this would be SO much easier. Having to blaze my own trail (as it were) is sometimes…well…a pretty darn scary place to be!

Do I need to come out as androgyn to every single person I come across? That may get exhausting. Do I need to just…keep my beard within the confines of my own home? Society expects us to be either male or female. If I present male to the broad society (what..with my beard…) then I feel like I will be forced to bind every day. Which…honestly…I don’t really have any desire to do. If I refuse to bind and present female…then the beard must be covered, and well shaved at all times. (not to mention covered in foundation to make sure the shadow is well covered…as it stands currently I never wear make up. Ever. However I do know how to cover a beard shadow. I often do Cynthia’s make up)

The answer seems easy enough. Lofty enough…”be yourself”. That’s what we tell the small children…right? In theory that sounds perfect! It doesn’t seem to alleviate my fears, and my frets and my concerns over society/work/life. *hmf* I guess I don’t really have answers for myself at the moment…this is a grey spot I’ve not yet figured out. I’m hoping I’ll get it figured out soon because the T keeps doing it’s job!

There is nothing stagnant about life. That’s for sure.

Wow....go figure.

Search monogamy gene. Go ahead I will wait for you to do a bit of reading.

Old news, and I am just now finding out about this?
Seems males are either hard wired for faithful behavior or to cheat.
If one is genetically predisposed to be unfaithful, can his family hold sexual indiscretions against said individual? I would have to say no. We do not hold other conditions of genetic origin against the individual.

Scientists were able to treat unfaithful mice with gene therapy to make them be nice and monogamous. That begs the question, if a drug is developed to predispose a person to be monogamous will it be used on males? With or without their knowledge? Might a woman someday require her husband to submit to such treatment if he is found to be genetically predisposed to infidelity? Is that even ethical?

Perhaps there is a solid genetic reason that some men are faithful and others are not. We do not know what the ramifications of messing with mother nature can be.
Personally I think that we should not go down this road of research. It is going to lead to forced monogamy on entire populations.

Why do I feel like we are living the prologue to a 'Brave new world'?

It's official.... ~Sevan

I am most definitly in my second go 'round of puberty. There's no denying it now. There's also no turning back!

My voice has been deepening for weeks now but the cracks are getting more difficult to control and gosh are they ever embarressing! I can't seem to sing without losing control of my voice, if I get excited, talk too fast or am really animated; my voice makes an ass of me. Every morning (or so it seems) it's dropped more. I had a low voice to start with so I was pretty sure it wouldn't go much further down. HA! Little did I know.

My face has always had hair on it. I used to wax my upper lip and chin but have switched out to shaving. So now my lower lip and chin constantly feel like sand paper. Very very fine grit sand paper...granted..but sand paper none the less! Cynthia keeps catching me running my fingers along my chin. As excited as I am...and for as long as I've wanted a beard...now that it's here it's kinda scary!

My muscles are getting ropier and I'm becoming stronger. I'm finding it easier to work out longer and harder. My stamina is definitly increased; which could be due to my focus on working out!

Some of the changes I'm feeling I can't even put into words. However it wasn't my desire to come here and just make a list of changes; let's just say...EVERYTHING has changed.

The sum of all the parts have left me feeling awkward and unsure of myself. For as much as I want people to notice that I look or sound different; I also dread that! I fear it as much as I want it. Oh how fun. Seems that's par for the course for a person going through puberty.

On the flip side of that awkwardness I'm finding new found confidence. Now if I could just remember to show it more often!

I'm the same me, regardless of extremes~Sevan

I want to talk about...extremes and how it pertains to transition.

If you try to speak with a southern accent, or a British accent...how does that sound? (assuming your not naturally from those places) We go for the most extreme, because it's easier. If you have a low voice and try to talk really high...we go for extremes. (also works in reverse..if you have a high voice and try to go lower) It's much much easier to find those extreme points, rather than sutle nuances.

How does this apply to transgendered persons or transition? Let's start out with a picture:

That's me Feb 2008. For years I never wore pants. No shorts, not even t-shirts! I wore flowy tops and skirts. Always. I even went through a time where I wore head coverings. (as in this picture) not really for religious reasons...but for deep set gender reasons. You see I tried to force myself into the extreme of female gender.

Around our house we have this type of grass. I'm not sure which one, there are many different grasses...but one in particular I'm allergic to. If I go for a hike, or walk around our yard in my skirts...my legs brush up against the grass and I break out in hives. Cynthia urged me to please buy some pants for hiking so I wouldn't break out. I couldn't. I simply could not do that...even expressing to her that "women don't wear pants!"

Obviously, a great number of women DO wear pants. That's ok even! It wasn't for me. It was not ok for me to slip into those nuances because part of myself worried it might be a slippery slope from "just pants for hiking" to "transition".

Not every person who's transitioned has this same story of extremes, but it's a familiar story to many. I have a few MtF friends who used to be body builders! Cynthia herself had many gender rules that she had to operate under back in "man mode" though I'll save that for her to share should she choose to do so...

As I've come out; something I hear alot is "But your such a girly girl!! Your so feminine!" and this brings doubt into their minds about what I'm saying in regard to my gender identity. I may have smiled in pictures...but I was *not* happy. I was depressed, I threw myself into obsessions, never allowed myself quiet time to sit by myself with my own thoughts...I was not happy.

A common thread amidst friends and particularly spouses of trans people is that they feel the trans person lied to them. That once the "cat is out of the bag" the trans person completely changes into someone...who does not sound, look, or seem like their former self. So in my example...that frilly, fem person...was a lie. I would disagree. I wasn't actively lying. Not on purpose anyway.

I can tell you that the person I am now, has changed no more than anyone else going through life. We *all* change and grow. True, we don't all change in this same way...but we are forever learning, growing, and evolving. I like the same shows on TV, do the same crafts (even have more time and interest in those crafts now!) read the same books, listen to the same music...I am still the same *me* that I have always been, and will always be. I feel more authentic, more open, more present and more grounded.

The idea of "you lied about who you are" is a very serious issue. Trans people who are married, come out, and start transition have a %90 chance of divorce. That's...that's STUNNING. That *this* change is such a huge deal, that it can't be lived through. I do understand that sexual orientation plays a roll. That number just shocked me.

I'm sad for those of my brothers and sisters who have lost people in their life because of their need to be authentic, present and open.

A touch of TMI

When I was Peter.

I never perfected being manly or even a man really. I was lousy at every male endeavor save one. Sex and sexuality. Perhaps it is the fact that I am dual wired that provided me with the ability to seduce practically anyone I so chose to. The social insight that being Trans affords can be a great asset, in our pre-transition years. So long as we are closeted and no-one knows all is well. This dual nature affords serious advantage. One merely need look at the computer science field to see this in action.

Back to sex.

Like I said the only thing male I seemed to be able to perfect was male sex. I literally cannot count the amount of women and men….multiply whatever the number of women is, by 2 and that is how many men. That short span of time during the orgasm completely washes away every problem for a few seconds. Dysphoria and angst do not co-exist with an orgasm. Also the moment of orgasm would for that fleeting moment let me feel like a man. My orgasms at the time were of course fueled by T and I would have that intense OMG moment of bliss. (Now on E I get those longer body shaking ones, much nicer.) I could verify in that moment my masculinity, it was as obvious as the male orgasm I was having.

I have always used male and female tricks to seduce. If a woman is into men I would be male, if she was lesbian I would become very femme. For men, gay men got a gay man and strait guys got a dude so femme that they couldn’t say no. [ Sevan has picked up many of my man tricks and has been using them either with intent or from the sub-conscience on me to rather good effect. ]

Sex was the only thing in my life that I could compete with the other men. Of course it would be easier for a bisexual, dual gendered person to get laid than the average guy. Such a person has a lot more potential sex partners.

Of course measuring ones manhood on the amount of sex one has is building a house of cards. Women have sex also. In our modern society women are becoming just as capable of seeking sexual conquest and seduction as the men. As I grow older I see the fallacy of my youth. The flaws in myself, delusion of manhood attained. At least I am no longer in the place of life when one looks back and cringes in shame at the foibles of the past. I see pretty clearly now the assumptions and self imposed false reality.

The big kicker is that all these years it never left my forebrain that I was indeed Trans. Or as I would say to self in parrot mode of society, ‘I am a girl trapped in a boy’s body’. Not exactly it turns out, but close enough that we will go with that. In between the delusion of maleness I would relish the way I could be a secret girl. I would drop hints in my mannerisms and accessories at all turns but very few seemed to pick up on it. A few did over the years. I was even asked point blank a couple times but I would get panicky and say no. I did say yes to my Ex Megan when she asked. It was a sweet moment, when I said yes, suddenly I was in tears. She promised to never betray that part of me. She broke my heart, stole my property, and married my best friend but she never betrayed me in that way. I think that she did do me a great service in that. During the breakup period she very well could have thrown that in my face and the towns. By not betraying me I didn’t get wounded by her in that way and it gave me time to grow and nurse old wounds.

Video blogging and blood work

I try to do video blogging about once a week. I'd slipped a little and hadn't done a video this previous weekend. Lots of processing and frustration over being denied coverage for surgery by my insurance. Plus no real desire to discuss it. The reasons the insurance gave didn't leave any wiggle room for appealing. So...I won't be appealing.

In good news though....I just got the results back from my blood work to check on my hormone levels! They're perfectly in male range!! Woohoo!! (Male range being 350-1050) I'm sitting at 617. Nice. My doctor said he's never seen that high of results in someone who's having to supplement T. Hehehehe. I'm not surprised.

This brings me alot of peace because...people who go on cross sex hormones (meaning a man taking estrogen, or a woman taking testosterone) will usually have some sort of freak out, or not feel right, or become depressed, lethargic ect. Transgender people who truly SHOULD be taking these hormones...don't freak out. They instead feel peace, and a rightness. That's how I feel. I'm definitely not freaking out, I'm definitely not having adverse reactions....I just feel...like me. Nice.

Something else that's curiously cropping up....my desire to craft and sew!! I thought I'd lost that for good. Nope. I'm working on a skirt for Cyndi. (it used to be mine, I just have to shrink it) After that it's back to work on Cyndi's tu-tu...and I just got the fabric I need to make my kilt!! I've been thinking about making myself a more "messanger bag" style...ermm...bag. That way I don't have to carry a "purse"...I've also started thinking about a new style of patchwork skirt!!! ooooooo! Stay tuned ;)

It just feels so good to have transition under control to the point where I can start thinking about OTHER things! It feels really good.