Sunday, March 21, 2010

Speaking my truth

Cyndi has been trying to encourage me to write here more often as this is “our” family’s tale…I’ve just not really had anything to say from a “spouse” frame of mine.

I suppose that’s because there has been alot going on internally for me. There are many layers involved in what I want to say which makes it difficult. Its very hard to explain something that is 4D with depth and many angles; in a 1D plane. Which is…this typed out retelling.

For as long as I can remember…I’ve been “weird”. I was a shy awkward child. Lanky and tall, very curious, asked a great number of questions no one had the answer to and wasn’t particularly *good* or *great* at anything.

As I entered adulthood at age 18 I didn’t transition very well from living with my parents; to living on my own. I was vastly unprepared and quickly became depressed and anxious. I sought out mental health in order to find direction and relief.

I remember depression being explained to me as a “chemical imbalance” and I clung to that idea. It just had a ringing of truth for me. All I needed to do was figure out which chemical was out of balance…and fix it! Simple…right? Not so much.,

Fast forward a few years to about age 21. Life circumstances had changed quite a bit in a matter of three years. I went to the doctor complaining of fatigue and weight gain. The doctor wanted to check my thyroid. She explained the hormones that the thyroid controls and wondered if it might be off kilter. Hmmm…maybe THIS was the chemical imbalance I’d been wondering about.

It turned out there is nothing wrong with my thyroid though over the years I’ve had each of my doctors want to check it.

In another couple of years I decided I wanted to finally attempt college. I took many classes focused on the body and how it worked. Anatomy, physiology and pathology; each a few times over. I loved the classes. Especially when we’d discuss the chemical level of the body. It fascinated me in a way I couldn’t really understand, though I didn’t really try to understand it…simply thought I’d finally found something that interested me! One day in my physiology class we went over the hormones that control the female menstrual cycle. It was a very enlightening class. Shortly there after I went off my birth control to attempt a more natural “fertility charting” method.

It became clear rather quickly that my body wasn’t going to do anything that resembled a “cycle”. So back to the doctor to try and figure out this NEW hormonal imbalance. I was met with shrugging of shoulders mainly. No one seemed to understand why it was so important to me.

I’m a big believer in everything being interconnected. I just had this feeling that this “hormonal imbalance” that was somewhere within me was the snowball cause of EVERYTHING else. My energy, my on going depression…possible even more effects than I knew.

Last year I hit a really bad spot mentally. My depression increased to near debilitating levels. If I did have as flexible of a job as I had…I would have lost my position, to be sure. I re-entered therapy with the intention of doing some work on issues from childhood and early adulthood. My therapist urged me to go on medication; if only temporarily to alleviate my depression. I just couldn’t agree to that though. It didn’t feel right for me. Not to mention through out the years I’ve tried a great number of anti-depressants with little to no relief. I wasn’t particularly interested in doing that again.

Therapy was…frustrating for me. No matter how much I talked, was open, was honest and expressive I just couldn’t seem to get to the bottom of my depression. I couldn’t lessen the load.

Fast forward finally to this September (09). Cyndi could no longer continue to live life in the “man suit”. She needed to transition. I supported her fully in this endeavor. It was not new to me, we’d discussed *her* transitioning a great number of times through the years of our relationship. There was something holding me back from being fully present and supportive however. There was a frantic feeling and I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was all internal. All I could think about was my own gender. I questioned it. Alot. However after asking a simple question “do you feel like a guy?”

and answering that question “ Not really…”

You would think such an answer to such a question would alleviate questions and fears over one’s gender! It didn’t however. My angst and discomfort in my own skin became unbearable.

I started searching for answers all over the web. I found the gender identity”Androgyn”. Upon finding it…just finding that word…arose such fear, panic, yet also…a rightness.

Androgyn as a gender identity should not be confused with androgynous dress and style. While many people who are androgyns will dress androgynously (stands to not all person’s who dress androgynously have a gender identity of androgyn.

I started dressing in a more androgynous manner and found short lived relief from that. My clothes did not make nor break my inner feeling of self. After more back and forth than I care to recount here…I made the choice to start testosterone.

Finally I feel I have found the piece of the puzzle that’s been missing this whole time. I have found where my “chemical imbalance” lied. I was missing testosterone in a body and mind that needed it.

So that’s why I’ve been so quiet. I’m not only the spouse of someone who’s transitioning. I’m also transitioning myself. My voice has started to drop from the testosterone. My body hasn’t changed otherwise. I feel that peace that I’ve been craving.

I speak more about my transition in this video: Click here

This has gotten quite long already…so I’ll leave it here.


Anonymous said...

yay you did it!!!
Dontcha' feel better now?

Anonymous said...

YAY you did it.
I had a feeling there was something being hiden.

Now that your coming out you should feel alot better and free to be you.

It always makes me feel all fuzzy inside when I see someone come out for the first time.

Take care,

A reader.

Sevan said...

Thank you both!