Monday, July 12, 2010

Growing into my own

Anyone that's known me for more than five mins knows I'm a bit of a control freak. Like..." name is Sevan...and I'm a control freak" kinda thing. It's like that. Or at was.

I don't know if it's transition related, Saturn return related, or just plain growing up. (perhaps a mix of all three?) I just really feel like I'm settling into my stride.

Last weekend was my birthday. I turned 28. I don't feel 28. Heck, sometimes I feel down right in my 70's. Due to only being five months into testosterone I also often feel like a fumbling bumbling teenager. Awkward and unsure.

It's amazing what will happen when you let your true self shine. We keep it in, bottle it up, just sure that no one will accept us. Refuse to come out of the closet, maybe just dress on occasion...hiding in our own shame. For me, I came out of the closet kicking and screaming!! I did. not. want. to. do. this!! Not one bit! I was sure I would be even more ostracized that I already was! I'd have even less friends!!! ( pretty difficult to do when certain you have no friends..) Yet the opposite has really been true. As I've been authentic and's allowed those around me to meet me as their authentic and honest self. And my goodness what a BLESSING!!

This past weekend we did something we never do. (because I never allow it) we took a trip and flew by the seat of our pants. I don't know what stopped me from trying to control the heck out of everything...maybe I was just too darn tired from the culmination of health, work, stress, money, blah, blah, blah...that I just didn't have it in me to control this trip. And THANK GOODNESS I didn't!! We'd planned on leaving home on Saturday morning...but decided last min to leave Friday and spend the night in Seattle. (which is where we were headed)

We packed up, grabbed the dogs and everything they needed and headed off. I text a friend to see if she was available to get together. She was! She even had some floor space we could occupy that night! How awesome!! Previously I would have had a hotel all booked and already paid for...and I would have kicked myself and stewed that someone would offer but I wouldn't have taken it because of money already spent. Not this time though! Cynthia and I hung out and just soaked up the good conversation. Really wonderful. Hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in over a year is just good for the soul.

Cynthia wanted to know what time breakfast would be and when we would leave in the morning to meet up with the person we'd planned this whole trip to see. I blissfully replied that breakfast would be had when everyone was awake, and we'd leave when it was time to leave. How freeing!!

That's exactly what we did too. Lovely. We had lunch with a dear dear friend whom I've never met in person and Cynthia hadn't seen in 12 years! Far too long. We headed back home from there and the energy has just carried me.

There are plenty of things I could stew on, stress about, chew my nails over...but those things will work themselves out whether I stew or not. The funny thing is...I feel more in control than ever! I'm in control of *me*. How I act, and how I react! It wasn't particularly easy to get to this point...and I'm not saying I won't slip back into the "control monster" again...but for now I'm happy to go with the flow and follow bliss.