Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Radical honesty ~Sevan

There's something we practice in this house...and that is radical honesty. Let me first define what that means to me. It's never ever intended in any kind of malice or harmful intent. Radical honesty helps us to truly know and trust that what is said, is what is meant. It is a tool we use to get over rough spots or bumps in the road.

That's not to say it's a tool that should just be jumped into dear friends!!! Oh my no. Trust, real REAL trust must first be established between partners. You must KNOW without a doubt that your mate would not say what he/she/ze is saying if it were not meant and true.

Cyndi and I would have had a much rougher time getting through the initial pain of each other's transition without this level of honesty.

As a spouse of someone who is trans there are worries about other things that might be hiding in the closet. Trust is broken to some degree. Worries about what transition will look like, feel like, what changes will come first? Where will it stop? What about family, work? Ect. ect. ect. The "what-ifs" add up QUICKLY for the spouse of a trans person.

These are often not questions that the trans spouse can answer right off the bat. Often...they don't know either! Practicing radical honesty meant that I could trust Cyndi when she said "I don't know" and mean it. Not worry that there was something behind the words, not worry that she was hiding something from me.

Now..."I don't know" isn't that hard to get out. Some of the things that *I* had to say to *her* were far more painful. They were things I had to get out though. I NEEDED her to hear how much of a struggle this was at first, how much I REALLY don't like change. (yea...go figure) I can't think of any specifics to share with you here; but I do remember about a month into Cyndi's transition there were tears, near break ups, fears, hugs and ALOT of pain.

Yep. All that happened even though *I* am trans as well. Yep. All that happened even though I knew she was trans from the get go. I honestly can not imagine what non trans spouses (who never knew until well into their relationship) go through. I can however, understand that it must be very very difficult.

Radical honesty saved us and repaired trust. Yes, sometimes it really hurts to hear the truth. However...knowing that your mate is speaking their heart in hopes to connect with you further and repair any's worth it.

Which hurts worse? Ripping a band aid of quickly....or slowly? What does it feel like to wonder if your mate is telling you the truth vs. KNOWING that they're telling the truth, that they mean it and that they're saying what they're saying from a place of love and honesty.


Anonymous said...

Very very inspiring! You and Cyndi are such wonderful examples of unconditional love and marriage and putting the WORK into creating this relationship and now sharing it with so many. You two rock!