Monday, May 3, 2010

3 months already!? Holy cow. ~Sevan

Oh my my my. How time flies. I have been on Testosterone for three months now. Wow. I've done a whole heck of alot of growing, thinking, musing, and looking back during these three months.

I've remembered times of strife that didn't make any sense in the moment, and I've been able to piece the puzzle together now that I understand my gender identity. I've remembered painful times of extreme dysphoria and angst, and I know now those times for what they were. Goodness I thought I was beyond bonkers...before I had the word "androgyn" that all important, very powerful word. To know that there are others who experience the world in a similar way as myself; through similar eyes!! It's brought me such a peace that I can't describe to you. Only's like the sun streaming through a large window....bright, and warm...but not hot. That perfect day.

The body and the mind continue to astound me. I had in my logical mind a picture of what it would take to bring this peace. I thought it might take just a small dose of testosterone. Not enough to change my outside, only enough to bring the peace I was so desperate for. I was sure, utterly convinced that i could find just a small, little dose of testosterone. I was in for the shock of my life when I found out....nope. *My* body needs more than just a little bit. A little dab, will NOT do. My doctor gave me the freedom to explore, armed with information and a limit so I didn't over do it, but within his guidelines I was free to find what worked for me. Seems that what works for me is a full on "transition" dose of testosterone. My voice is dropping weekly, my beard is already growing in (though patchy and pathetic...but still firm enough to need shaving weekly.) my mind has become far more logical and less emotional, my sense of smell has changed and become more acute, my sense of taste is sharper, my muscles are growing and are more ropey and firm.

I was talking to Cynthia about all of these changes. Musing...particularly on the point of smell. She'd mentioned that her sense of smell was more acute a few months ago. I wondered how could this be? How can she have a stronger sense of smell on estrogen, and I'm experiencing a stronger sense of smell on testosterone. She expressed that perhaps it wasn't the hormone itself that caused the shift; but the right hormone running the right body. The mind and body working together harmoniously, instead of being at odds.

This week I did the hardest thing I've yet done in all this transitional mess. I came out to my parents. I thought to nothing BUT the email I was going to write them...for about a week straight. Finally on Friday I sat down and wrote it out. When I'm nervous I have a tendency to "over-share" so I wanted to make sure I said the right thing, the truthful thing and not too much blathering. It was by shear force of will that I was even able to hit the "send" button. I physically shook nervously thinking "what have I just done!?" I had done the right thing. That's what.

Last weekend they were up visiting (they live 8 hours away) and they noticed my voice. While I wasn't TRYING to hide it from them, I wasn't trying to lie about who I was...I just wasn't really ready to come out yet either. voice gave me away. I didn't honestly expect my voice to shift that much...I already had a pretty low voice to begin with and naively I thought to myself "'s not going to happen over night! I've got plenty of time to sort this out, and figure out a way to come out." I thought I had close to six months to a full year before any changes would be obvious! Not three months! Ah well. Three months it is.

I haven't gotten a response from them yet. That's ok though. I'd much rather they take their time, gather their thoughts and come to me level headed instead of going with their first thoughts. (whatever that might look like.)

After telling my parents I changed my name on facebook! Now that may not seem like such a huge deal....but seeing as nearly everyone who's online is also on facebook...I feel kind of like I've hung a flag outside my door!! (in a manner of speaking...) It was so freeing!