This is a tough topic for me to cover because of how vast and
individual and unique each person, and each coming out is. It's going to vary
depending on what state (with what rights) you're in. How old you when you
start coming out you are; will play a role. Plus many other things will come
into play when we talk about coming out.
I think I’ll be splitting this up into a few different entries
because otherwise this large topic will be either far too long, or not properly
covered. So I want to start first with my personal experience with coming out.
I was asked once
which was easier; coming out as lesbian or coming out as trans*. (I've done
both, and that had come up in this conversation.) For *me* it was easier coming
out as trans*, and while difficult, I feel that there are many things that
helped my coming out to be successful when I compare the two experiences.
When I came out as
lesbian I was in church, all my friends, all my music...were church. All my
social events were through the church. So when i came out as lesbian (back in
2000) and was given the choice to "apologize to the whole of the church
for your sins against the church, and move out of the apartment I lived in with
my spouse to save me from "sin" and "temptation. Or, I could
leave. I chose to leave. I felt, and still feel; that I had committed no sin.
Especially against the church. Once I left, all of my Christian music brought
pain of being kicked out of the church. All of my friends who were part of the
church immediately stopped being friends with me. All my social
events were gone. I was alone. I had not sought LGBT support because I didn't
expect to need it...and once I did need it, I didn't know where to turn.
Shortly after, I
lost my job because of the stress of being proselytized at work by my
co-workers, being shunned by co-workers. My father once showed up at work
screaming at me about my "fruity life". My partner showed up at my work
suicidal a few times, and needed me.
My anxiety was
through the roof.
At only 18 years old and in my first apartment; having a strained
relationship with my parents, not able to see my sisters, friendless and
jobless...yea; that was REALLY tough.
After coming out lesbian to my parents our relationship was
severed. For many years after I had no
contact with them. Almost never saw them. We patched things up after I left my
partner of three years but under the patches were some scars left behind. I
have had a very difficult time being open about most personal issues and pieces
of my life.
When I came out as
trans* I chose carefully who I would tell. How I would tell them. I had the
support of my local LGBT center, and trans* support group. I had online support
and read how others had come out, what had worked, what hadn't.
As 28 I had a much
better idea of how people might possibly respond. I knew myself much better; I
knew what I needed in order to give voice to what was going on in my life. Has
it gone well? Not really. My parents haven’t accepted my gender variance
and don’t recognize my new name. I didn’t have that many friends, but those
that I did have I was very very close and honest with, and it was easy to tell
them. Luckily for me, they took it in stride and it wasn’t that big of a deal.
With my parents I sent them an email. That may not work for
everyone, but I was fearful that if I tried to tell them over the phone, or in
person, that I would stutter, or stumble over my words, or not say the hard
things and not tell my full truth. Writing an email allowed me to do all that.
I was able to save it, edit it, think about it, re-word things and include
links that might help them to understand from sources outside myself.
When a person comes out (as anything, trans*, lesbian, bi, or gay)
they often are exposing something they’ve kept secret. Something so integral
about themselves, something they’ve buried and hidden; sometimes for many many
years. To expose that piece of themselves, to bring it into the light when it
has been buried for so long is to show you – the person we’re coming out to; a
core part of ourselves that has no protection around it anymore. We had to tear
that protection away in order to bring it to light. It’s altogether freeing,
scary, amazing, and terrifying.
At the start of coming out, this piece of ourselves (at least, for
me it was this way) it was as a new born baby. It is naked, exposed, and
without much defense. Something that is so important, but has remained a
carefully kept secret.
When someone close to me rejects this about me, they have struck
out at that new born baby who is lacking any defense. That hurts in a huge way.
In the next few blog entries Cyndi and I will be talking more
about coming out. More personal stories, more information for the trans* person
who wishes to come out, and some information for those who might have someone
come out to them. How to behave in that moment, what things you might consider
saying, and how to follow up with that. This is a huge topic as I said at the
top. Hope you’ll stay tuned.
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