Today I dressed in one of my normal black tops and green pants. My previous goal was to minimize my chest and highlight other areas of my body. Now that my breasts are so much smaller (thanks to reduction surgery) my attire continues minimize my chest which is really not helpful. I need some new tops and I need to figure out how to dress for my new body type. I was googling how to accentuate and dress for smaller chest. Now I just need the finances to go and get new attire! lol. I need to stop wearing black tops. That I do know. It's not helping. It makes me look like I have no breasts at all. Which is fine and awesome when I'm feeling more male but not so helpful at work and when I want to be more fem.
My transition really started around this time two years ago. While I didn't start testosterone until Feb...I found the term androgyn and discovered my name Sevan and really started exploring all things bi-gender and transition and gender in general. So coming up on that anniversary and having this surgery has turned me introspective. Especially now that my mind is cleared thanks to needing less (but not none...yet...) pain medication.
My facial hair has been coming in thicker and blacker...I want to say recently but apparently it's been like this for a little while and I'm only just noticing. *shrugs* either way...having noticed that and having just had surgery...I'm feeling very...settled. I'm feeling really *in my skin* and even as though I need less testosterone. I've been using half tube for many days now and I'm ok with it. Previously I've been using a mix of full daily doses and half doses in a confusing mix that I can't really describe without a calendar and a pointer. lol! Since surgery I've only needed just half dose every day. I think I've had one day in there where I used a full tube. (the tubes are tiny and meant as "daily dosing") I'm feeling...like I'm right where I need to be. For once!!! It's a really nice feeling. My mind hasn't worried at gender since surgery. It's just been...quiet. Any worry or concern has been financial or family or any other "normal" worry. I can't say that I will be able to stay in this mental comfortable place...that's the androgyn struggle...the marker for which to aim for seems to constantly be moving and adjusting but for now...I'm good. I wasn't sure that'd be possible!
It's really just bonkers to think I'm essentially...done transitioning. I'm done. I've done all the active things I want/need. I'm on testosterone, I've had my surgery...the only thing left is to legally change my name. That was a BIG push for me mentally when I found my middle name but logically it just can't really happen right now. I mourned that...and then got over it. It'll happen when it happens. Those that know the real me call me Sevan. Any new person into my life knows me only as Sevan. That's...good enough for now. It's ok. I made it. Cyndi made it. The whole house has just...quieted. When I read back entries from two years ago...all I was talking about was gender, gender, gender. I was in a mental race to learn all I could and dig in to end the dysphoria as fast as I could. Between Cyndi's transition and my own...there was just no real time for anything else. Cyndi has some electrolysis left but...eh. That's it. (In fairness it's probably easier for me to say that..lol!) It feels so good to have gotten here. I couldn't even really envision it before. I have no doubt that dysphoria will come back, rear up at some point in the future...but I've got the tools and knowledge to deal with it now.
I was looking around the room of our trans support meeting on Saturday and I was thinking back to when we started. I think there were...3 people? Somewhere in that range. Now we've got 13+. Not everyone comes every meeting, and that's absolutely ok. I'm just so proud to see it thriving, warm and inviting. (I hope that's how we come across anyway...)
We've come a long long way in two years. It just feels so good to have arrived.